im such an ass, i accidentally posted this from work last night...
so, for those of you who dont know me, im about one job away from starring in the "in living color" skit about the jamaicans with 82000 jobs. one of my jobs is working as a "concierge" at a fancy apartment building. the level of stupidity that i have to deal with at that job is ass-tounding. people simultaneously think you are a moron/in possession of all arcane knowledge in the world! among the stupid questions i've had today:
"is metro center open"? what?!? what the shit does that mean? i dont even know how to process that. when i followed up with "the metro is open until 3 a.m. on weekends" the guy looks at me like im the idiot, and says "i know that! but is metro CENTER open?" oh. well. THATS different. i didnt realize you meant metro CENTER. that clears up everything. turns out this genius wants to know if the ticket issuing booth is open on a sunday at 7 p.m. because he needs to get a smart pass. im gonna go out on a limb here and say no, its not. and no, i dont care that that’s inconvenient to you. you know why? cause i dont work there so none of this should be my problem.
"how much is a cab from here to 13th and clifton street?" lets start with "where the holy hell is clifton street?" asshat. for those of you not living in d.c., the cab system here charges by the zone, instead of by the meter, which is our big "fuck you" to gullible tourists. basically, you're never going to be charged the same thing twice regardless of how many times you take a cab from point a to point b. so really, there’s no telling. it depends entirely on how good your blowjob is, and that’s not an answer im privy to.
i even had a corporate review this weekend where i got judged on things like how well i "stand, greet and deliver" and the "curb appeal" of my building. i shit you not, they use phrases like that. i actually lost points because the pillows in my lobby weren't "fluffy" enough prompting me to straight-facedly reply that i didnt know my job entailed "fluffing." frankly, that almost made the whole thing worth it.
however, the cherry on my idiot sundae was a phone call from a person inquiring about apartments, except not really, because he is clearly a secret shopper calling to make sure im doing my job (no, im not paranoid, they actually do this about 10 times a day!):
me: "thank you for calling. my name is ms. nasty. how may i assist you?"
him: "uhhh, yeah. i need, like, a super-cheap two bedroom apartment."
me: "unfortunately, we dont have any apartments currently available..."
him: "(interrupts) you dont have ANY apartments?"
me: "im sorry, but we rented our only vacant apartment this afternoon, which was actually a one bedroom. but when are you interested in moving?"
him: "what do you mean? when am i interested in moving?"
me: "in. what. month. would you need to move?"
him: "i dont know. im flexible."
me: "if you would like to leave your contact information i would be happy to have someone in the leasing office contact you."
him: "(interrupts. AGAIN) why?"
me: "in case something becomes available within your time frame."
him: "what building is this? oh. you're on the east coast, huh. never mind." hangs up.
okay, here is the thing about corporate calls: i appreciate that you want to make sure that im doing my job; i fully understand that. however, it is not realistic to have someone calling who expects to speak to a leasing agent at 9:45pm on a sunday night. and you cannot tell how well i can do my job when you give me a man who cant follow a script and who im guessing cant count to 21 without taking off his shoes and pants. telling me that he needs a "super cheap apartment" is ridiculous; not even a college frat boy who has toasted every brain cell he ever had huffing paint fumes and eating paste would admit that to a leasing agent. especially if they are calling a fancy schmancy building in a sought out neighborhood. admittedly, i dont know what his definition of "super cheap" is because he gave me no guidelines or parameters, but, unless he is brandon davis, im guessing $3500 for a two bedroom/one bath, 1100 sqft apartment isnt "super cheap." i dont even know where to start with that whole "east coast" comment. i can tell between your having no time frame for moving except maybe that its happens sometime between 2006 - 2007, and not knowing what half of the country your supposed to be moving to, that your very serious about this. how is this not a waste of my time? hopefully they judge these calls based on my ability to not laugh directly in the face of the idiot secret shopper because that’s all the interaction that could possibly take place with that moron.