van nasty

Wednesday, February 21, 2007


"TalkingRain Twist... an all-natural flavored ultra premium water with no sweeteners or preservatives. Simply water with a Twist of juice. It's unique 30oz square bottle is a great addition to any party beverage line-up or just sitting on your desk. It's like squeezing fresh fruit into your water. Twist comes in four great flavors: Lemon, Mandarin, Peach, and Marionberry."

what do you think marionberry water tastes like? im guessing a hint of crack with a dash of "the bitch set me up!"


post mardi-gras, pre-chocolate easter bunnies

i feel an inexplicable, and overwhelming, urge to go to mass today and im not even catholic. apparently catholic guilt is THAT strong.

i havent thought about what im giving up for lent this year. all the obvious things (coffee, diet coke, elevators) are out of the question. i dont see the point in giving up things that will make my life less convenient. however, i will, as always, give up abstinence. slutting it up for jesus is an annual sacrifice i make to demonstrate the strength of the covenant between god and myself.


Sunday, February 18, 2007

hitting my head against a wall: less painful

following a long standing tradition, valentines day, or as i like to think of it, "singles awareness day," came and went without much fuss at van nasty. last year i took myself to see brokeback mountain; at one point, i was the only person in the theater not giving or receiving a handjob.

this year's plan was bellydance class followed by the sex workers art show. unfortunately, sex workers, like sugar and witches, melt in the snow so the show was canceled. ditto with dance class. instead, hellyeah, a-lee-see-a, and i indulged the twelve year old girls we are on the inside and watched benny and june and ate chocolate and drank wine between fits of hysterical laughter. not to mention, i am now the proud owner of a snap bracelet made from a real baseball. which, for anyone keeping track, is the closest ive come to a ball (athletic or otherwise) in a very, very long time.

valentines also came and went with no word from dewey decimal, not that i had expected it (even if i secretly hoped for it a little. or a lot). i called him last night so we could engage in the most awkward conversation ever, and because he's him, and im me, things are even more confusing now than they were before. normally when someone says they theyre surprised to hear from you, its not a good thing so i have to assume thats the case here too. we talked about doing something monday but no plans were made. we agreed to check in today, but im not sure if im calling him or he's calling me.

the a.s. once called me socially awkward. doesnt even begin to cover it.


class of '97

last week i got my high school reunion letter in the mail. i mentioned that to someone at headquarters and, bless his heart, he said "you're already at your five year reunion?!" to which i have to ask, do people really have those?!?

i dont have any strong feelings on the reunion front. honestly, it doesnt get my panties wet, but i have no reason not to go either. at least not that i can think of right now. maybe between now and july i can come up with something. i went to school with many of the same people for 10 years, and while there are some people i would love to see, i also have no desire to have the same awkward "oh... uh-huh. and what do you do now?" conversation over and over again, for hours on end like my own private groundhogs day.

high school fucked me up no more than any other fat girl who doesnt have a prom date, stayed home friday nights doing extra credit work, and was really, really into student government. i think its safe to say my sister (who was definitely the cool one) is still shocked when she finds out that i have a life, and go out at night to things like "concerts" and places like "bars". so, yeah, i was a loser, but, i was mostly a happy loser. sure, i never felt like i fit in, but, its high school; everyone is at their physically most awkward and emotionally least competent. besides, fitting in is overrated. when i went away to college i realized everyone who isnt a sociopath or a megalomaniac feels that way one on the inside.

in a land called "not in this lifetime"

poor girl. you know its a sad day when youre envious of mariah carey's straw supervisor.

do you think she gets hazard pay for that, or is she just paid in bleach?

"out, damned spot. out i say!"

will no one think of the rats britney? where are they supposed to live now?!?


random, irrational fear #141

"i suddenly realized that unless some thing changed soon i was going to live a life where my major relationship was with a bottle of wine and i'd finally die fat and alone and be found three weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs. or i was about to turn into glenn close in 'fatal attraction'."

i realize that quoting bridget jones is only slightly less cliche than quoting sex in the city, but, the above quote has never felt more true.

when i was living alone in syracuse during grad school, gvw and i came to the mutual realization that we were both living alone, far from our families in towns were we knew few people, and had no real connections. we were also living in dry, cold weather climates where, should we have died, our bodies would have mummified and no one would have found us for a very long time. possibly this long.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

this message brought to you by my enlarged liver

those of you who know me know, i am a bad patient. i am a firm believer that ignoring a situation will make it go away. so strongly do i believe this that i once got an email from gvw, who works in a hospital, telling me that a woman came into the e.r. with foot problems, and her doctors told her she had to have her foot amputated. the woman refused to believe there was nothing they could do to save her foot, to which the doctor responded "ma'am. there are maggots in your foot." gvw's email to me was: "please. dont let this be you."

clearly i am not known for my ability to make big girl decisions about basic health maintenance and preventative care. three years ago i was rushed to the e.r. with breathing problems and admitted to the hospital because the doctors thought i was experiencing a pulmonary embolism. thankfully that wasnt the case. however, that bit of good news was followed by this "we can feel your liver in your ribcage, which isnt normal for someone who isnt a 70 years old with a 65 year drinking problem."

today, however, i took the first baby step toward adulthood and scheduled my first doctors appointment in over 2 years. i thought the entire appointment would consist of me shame-facedly apologizing for being a bad person, while being scalded by my doctor, but it turns out, they are more proactive than me. this afternoon im having the echo test, ekg and the liver tests that my doctors told me three years ago were necessary for me to go to africa with the peace corps. a lifelong dream of mine that almost became a reality, held back only by my inability to follow through and take responsibility for my health.

right now, they are performing my first std and hiv test, and took seven vials of my blood to do god knows what else with. while im not scared about the tests, i cant lie and say im not worried about the results. mostly my liver tests. is living without alcohol really living? (my mormon family need not opine on that, thanks.)

its like a high school student government election

thanks to everyone who posted a comment about the blog! i appreciate the show of support from friends who read the blog and from other d.c. bloggers. for those (like me) who missed the click to vote button you can go here and vote. CLICK HERE TO VOTE NOW FOR THIS WEEK'S BEST DC BLOG! there is some fun commentroversry going on over there.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

blogging and shit

there hasnt been much blogging lately, i know. the new job is keeping me busy, and, frankly, most of my blogging was previously done at my low-down, miserable old job.

today, however, i added a few general rants, and noticed that my blog has been seeing more action than i would expect considering the lack of updates. it was then that i noticed it had been nominated by best dc blog for blog of the week. i have no idea how, or who, or why (though im flattered -- its about time my ass sucking skills got the notice they deserve), but it is strange and funny to hear people who dont know me commenting about my blog and how much it sucks (i am however used to hearing that from my friends). my friend and colleague at van nasty world headquarters courtney (who reads my blog) was with me when we discovered it and added a nice comment about the blog, to which someone else responded:

"As heart-felt as courtney’s comment was, uh, um, I thought Van Nasty was a dude. And,uh, um, if he seems like a guy, then I don’t know how much of a “must-read” he can be for single chicks."

i love that she thinks im a dude. and for the record, van nasty is never capitalized.

as previously stated, i started blogging to keep up with my huge crazy family, and to this day i assume my blog is read exclusively by my mormon cousins in utah, even though that obviously isnt the case.

if you read the blog and have a thought good or bad, or just want to express your feelings about my ass sucking skills, go here: and leave a comment.

there will be more ranting later. and it will probably be drunker.

today has proven itself to be the total waste of a good hair day. this morning was supposed to be the first in a series of policy breakfasts that van nasty was launching; the topic of today's breakfast: "venereal disease: it doesnt mean he loves you." unfortunately, due to weather it had to be called off. but, since i was dressed, made up and blown out by 7:30 a.m. there was no sense in going back to bed, so, i trudged off to headquarters so i could join the one other person to come in to the office today.

tonight's plans of dance class and sex worker art show have also been ruined by the weather.

valentines day doesnt normally depress me, or make me feel in some way inadequate because im single, FEMALE, in my late twenties and the oldest unmarried woman in the history of my family (although rereading that sentence isnt doing much for office morale), but when i cant even find out if the federal government is closed because all the news outlets are reporting about valentines day proposals and every commercial is for diamond earrings, it is slightly sickening. and dont even get me started on anna nicole smith. let the poor dead woman rest in peace.


happy fucking valentines day

Sunday, February 11, 2007


Wednesday, February 07, 2007

more stuff you really dont need to know about me

omg. i need to get my eyebrows and lip done so badly; my eyebrows have completely grown together in a muppetesque way, and 13 year old boys are stopping me on the street to give me props for my awesome 'stache. im starting to look like the dude from le tigre who is actually a woman.

Monday, February 05, 2007

guess the (former) celebrity

hint: this is not actually an old picture of kathleen turner.

are rats building a nest in her hair?

it does my heart good to see that im not the only one who leaves the tags on my clothes, even though i wear them out, because i might still decide to febreze and return them.

but lets me clear, there isnt enough febreze, or for that matter bleach, to wash the smell of cheetos, slim jim and red bull off of that forever 21 cast off of a dress. and i wouldnt want to be the unlucky girl who sloppy seconds that hot mess and receives paris hilton's herpes and k-fed's sperm deposits as her consolation prize. the benefit of her dress being two sizes too small is that at least we can be sure she's wearing undies.

van nasty

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Location: van nasty, washington, dc

i have better taste in music than you and more makeup than a drag queen.

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