van nasty

winter wonderland

2008-12-22T09:36:00.006-05:00

yes, mr. bigglesworth, it is freaking freezing outside. i know that because, like you, i had to walk outside to get into the office today. we therefore need not discuss (over and over again) that yes, it is cold outside. it is winter in d.c.; cold weather is neither unexpected nor a mystery. and on that note, when you only wear leggings with a short jacket and say things like, "i wish i wore warmer clothes" you open yourself up to my response of, "you mean like PANTS?" you are running around outside wearing what amounts to longjohns but thinner. and, if i can see not only your pantyline but the print on your thong, you might want to rethink what you consider "professional" and "office approrpiate" wear.

i had no idea i lived in the hotel california

2008-08-31T17:29:00.004-05:00

you can check out from the sundeck any time you want, but you can never leave (under any circumstances).

seriously, youre real name is "win"?

2008-08-31T17:13:00.003-05:00

to the incredibly long-winded and pretentious douchbag who just wasted 10 minutes of my time: is me telling you how many cars would fit in 500 sq ft, really helpful? are you looking for an apartment or taking the logic portion of the SAT? and, how specific would you like me to be? are the cars vertical or horizontal? are they vw bugs, or cadillacs?

and really, youre surprised our leasing office is closed at 6pm on the sunday of a holiday weekend? or that we wont extend our hours for you because you work? everyone works; some of us everyday.

p.s. you didnt need to make special mention of the fact that your going back to "the city;" it was a given that you were from nyc.

interesting that youre concerned about MY communication skills

2008-08-17T14:03:00.003-05:00

Dear Haley,

Here is your horoscope for Sunday, August 17:

"Your communication style isn't serving you all that well today, so just try to keep it shirt and simple -- people will thank you later! Misunderstandings are too common and too hazardous right now. "

but youre right: keeping my shirt on will prevent hazardous misunderstandings, and people do usually thank me for it...

i had to look up the word "shomit" for this post.

2008-08-16T16:09:00.005-05:00

anyone will be your friend when its 2 a.m. on a friday and youre buying shots at the bar; it takes a-whole-nother type of person to pack you in her car and drive you 30 minutes out of her way while your head is in a bag, and your threatening to shomit in her car.* not to mention the friends who rode shotgun, just because listening to someone dry heave is such a fun experience. thanks ladies, and thanks baltimore (whose response to my threats of vomiting was "eh. my car has seen worse.")

* let the record show this was not actually a drinking related illness, but rather some sort of mutant flesh-eating-stomach-virus-dehydration-bacteria brought on by bellydancing.

dear douchbags

2008-06-27T11:55:00.002-05:00

to the guys walking on k and 15th debating where they fall on the "douchbag-o-meter," i can safely say, that merely having that conversation ratchets you up a few notches. you, sir, are no three. i would guess you are at least a seven; given your meticulously groomed stubble, im going to guess its more like an eight or nine.

xoxo
v/n

strangely, our company manual says nothing about keeping porn at the office

2008-06-16T10:37:00.005-05:00

which should i be more embarrassed by:

a) i am a woman who keeps porn in her desk at her office, or

b) i am a woman who was thanked by a client with a three dvd porno featuring the person who gifted me with it?

from now on, i plan to thank people by presenting them with videotapes of me having sex.

smurfday

2008-06-15T20:58:00.004-05:00

as i sat, hunched in my bathroom (willing myself not to vomit while scrubbing away the several and varied hand-stamps from the night before), i realized this is the fourth day in a row i had woken up hungover. or, in this case, still drunk.

and, it was only saturday, meaning i had spent 3/5 of a normal person's work week hungover (i spent 4/7 of my work week hungover).

things that have contributed to my recent binge drinking:

1) my smurfday (which i remember calling it over and over and over again tuesday at dc 9). that we havent been kicked out of there yet is nothing short of a miracle. the staff there are saints.
2) sparks.
3) my friend liz who i have nicknamed baltimore, because like the city, she is charm personified. ahem. a dainty duo we are not.
4) cupcakes; im not sure how its their fault, but im positive they are a contributing factor.
5) sparks. (in case youre wondering: anything that looks [and is] that unnatural going in, is just as unnatural going out).
6) champs: really, what better way to kick off a night of shots, sparks and cupcakes than with two bottles of champagne?
7) sparks: seriously people, why does such a fun and happy drunk leave you with such a disgustingly nasty hangover. WHY!?!

and finally i would like to take this opportunity to complain about bar hand-stamps; i appreciate that they dont contribute to the debauchery, but, is there any reason they have to be so big and so difficult to get off? why must they be a music venue's version of the scarlet letter? yes, i went out on school night, and yes, if you must know, i drank too much and probably got home somewhere north of 2 a.m.

in the morning when i go to work, i will do everything i can to combat the smoky hair, the bloodshot eyes and the ravenous look of a zombie desperate for brains; why must you and your smudgy, public stamp of shame give me away?

portion control: YOURE DOING IT WRONG!

2008-06-15T20:34:00.005-05:00

dear weightwatchers:

tonight for dinner i ate your smart ones chicken and cheese quesadilla; it was delicious. in fact, it was a little too delicious.

based on the picture i did not have high hopes; i assume you employ people whose job it is to make your food look better in the advertisement than it will on my plate. if this is the best those valiant professionals can do, well, let's just say: it leaves a lot to be desired. (if your wondering why i purchased it, allow me to explain in one word: sale).

however, it turns out, i was wrong, and the quesadilla was a handful of crisp, melty, cheesy goodness. so much so that i ate both. however, upon further inspection i realized i wasnt supposed to (okay, i kind of knew that and i was cheating).

i understand that you are the weight loss professionals, but, allow me to share with you something i have learned: fat people arent good at portion control. if we were, we wouldnt be fat. and, since we're fat, assume we're also single. if youre going to sell two servings of quesadilla, maybe you should, i dont know, individually wrap them instead of wrapping them together in one non-resealable pack? just. a. thought.

xoxo

nasty

what's making me feel old today

2008-05-07T15:49:00.002-05:00

happy birthday traci lords. i dont know how its possible, but, apparently you turned forty today. which means i was about seven when the whole lolita porn-star scandal broke, which, is hard to believe considering how vividly i remember it.

mother's day fun

2008-05-05T12:43:00.003-05:00

the set up: an email trail between my sister and her friends about making mothers day plans. really, this email trail speaks for it's self.

my gay-husband calls me a delicate flower in reference to my inability to behave in a lady-like way; seriously people, im not even involved in this email chain, but i think it speaks volumns about my childhood. all i'll have to do is print it out and bring it to my (fictional) therapist and she will be like, "um, why are you wasting money on me, when clearly we know the root of all your many, many, MANY problems right here?"

friend #1: OK, I'm already 4 emails behind on this, so in order ....
1) YES. Sounds like great fun!
2) YES. The change to Saturday is even better for less crowded conditions.
3) I don't plan a hangover, but if it should happen, will you come take care of me?
4) WATCH OUT WINOS, HERE WE COME!

friend #2: Goody! It's a date. I guess it's safe to tell you guys now that m.j., her sister nasty, and their mom will be there as well. (mom-in-law, I know how you feel about m.j. but you can't back out now)

friend #2's mother-in-law: I get to meet m.j’s Mom? Oh this is going to be WAY more fun than I thought.

friend #2: okay, but she's a paraplegic mongoloid so please - DO NOT make fun of her!

sister (a.k.a. m.j.): Just because she's only a torso, doesn't make her a mongoloid. Youre just jealous because she gets to ride in a wagon pulled by dogs.

friend #2: Well, you're right - being just a torso does NOT make her a mongoloid...it's her GIGANTIC head that makes her a mongoloid. And yes, I am jealous because I have to walk around in these 3 inch heels all day and she gets to sit and ride AND she probably has a handicapped sticker in her car so she doesn't have to ROLL far. Puulease! Try walking more than 30 paces in my sandals - when she starts crawling, then we'll talk.

sister: She can't even crawl dumb ass- she's a torso!!!! she has to roll, or flop around like a fish.

friend #2's m-i-l: OMG this is going to be more fun than I thought. What does she do better, flop or roll? I wouldn’t want to embarrass her.

friend #2 (to her mom-in-law): well, at least you'll know that someone there will be eye-level with you!

m.j. (to friend #2's mom-in-law): I dont' know, when she really concentrates on standing on her left butt cheek- she may be taller.....

friend #2's m-i-l: Hey, hey, hey……be nice! Back to your Mom, so if standing on her left butt cheek makes her taller than she also has a weight problem? And can we ask her to try and stand on her left butt cheek after a couple drinks?

m.j.: Hell yeah!!!! What's the fun in having a torso for a Mom if she won't do tricks. It's kind of like having your own pet seal.... but I warn you- don't ask for the right cheek..... just trust me on this.

my mom: WELL, I hope your not disappointed when I tell you that the DR. told me to stay off my left butt cheek. AND, I have learned to do the soldier crawl!!!!!

"sightings" (that i myself didnt actually see)

2008-05-05T12:12:00.002-05:00

kate moss at the black cat, friday may 2nd to see her maybe-finance jamie hince from the kills. i was at the show, but didnt see cokate myself. my friends, however, did.

doors for dummies

2008-05-05T10:48:00.007-05:00

dear guest:

do not be confused by my magically see-thru door; it is made of a futuristic material known as "glass," but holds no magical powers, nor was it forged by wizards.

as you will learn, attempts to enter through the front door are successful only when accompanied by pulling the door open; merely ringing the doorbell will not cause the door to open. again, allow me to reinforce that my door works exactly like yours: it has no supernatural powers and opens only when force is exerted upon it. unless, of course, you have profound telekinetic powers, in which case you are free to skip manual attempts to open the door and go directly to dematerializing and passing through the door into the lobby, where you may sign my guest book.

i appreciate your time and attention to this matter,

xoxo
v/n

i never watched the show, so i have no witty titular reference (expect for slipping the word "titular" into a posting about anna nicole smith)

2008-05-04T21:02:00.006-05:00

a chinese-food-delivery-man just told me i look like the actress, nico, who died of an o.d. i spent several confused minutes thinking he thought i looked like the depressing, scary german chick from the velvet underground, before it dawned on me that he meant anna nicole smith.

i hope he means this anna nicole:

and not, y'know, this one:

ugh. whatever. this shit ALWAYS happens when i wear my trimspa necklace.

because if they walked, people couldnt make the "pull the horn" motion

2008-04-28T10:26:00.005-05:00

dear truckers:

did anyone ever think that walking might be a better way to protest the high cost of diesel than, say, spending hundreds of dollars on gasoline per truck (in a four mile motorcade) to drive slowly around the capital? because it would seem that if you have the money to waste on a scenic drive around the monuments, then maybe the cost of gas isnt as prohibitively high as you would like to make it seem. just a thought.

xoxo
v/n

sometimes the voices in your head help you

2008-04-26T20:15:00.004-05:00

dear blog:

allow me to fill you in on my life: i still work seven days a week, and i still work my shitty part-time job (which was only supposed to last, at most, a year, not say, FIVE!). after many months of completely ignoring you, you would think i would ease into this; shower you with attention and soothing words about how i havent forgotten you, or about how i think about you, even when i dont have the time visit you, but, like an atheist praying to a god she doesnt believe in during a time of crisis, that isnt the case. we arent easing in with cute stories and drunken anecdotes, we're leaping in head first with an after-school style psa.

i will admit that i often make ill-advised decisions when it comes to my own personal safety. i will brazenly walk through neighborhoods i know to be unsafe, alone and late at night (by which i mean walking from petworth to adams morgan, alone, tipsy and at 1 a.m.); i could give a variety of reasons from feminist proclamations of "take-back the night" to the more common, "im-invincible-and-bad-things-only-happen-to-other-people," but, the real reason is far less brave or interesting. im cheap dammit and i dont want to give taxis my $15, thank you very much.

but the truth is, bad things can happen to anyone at anytime, including while youre working at your shitty part-time job on a saturday evening at 7:00 p.m.

tonight a man came into the building, and asked to use the bathroom while he waited for a resident. he asked if the bathroom was locked, and if i could show him where it was. i responded with a "yes" not because the bathroom is locked, but, because its unmarked and hard to describe to someone unfamiliar with the building. after escorting him downstairs, he asked me to wait because he would only be a moment. there are two doors to the bathroom; an interior door that leads to the toilet, and an exterior door from the hallway. he opened the exterior door then stepped out and asked if i could come in because the interior door was locked. automatically, i took a step toward the bathroom (i was standing a good 6-8 feet away from him at the time), but, as i began to process what he was saying, and the generally odd experience i was having with him, i instead listened to the small but nagging voice in my head that was telling me something wasnt right. i told him if the door was locked, i couldnt help him, and that he would need to leave. we both then got on to the elevator, where luckily a resident was also going to the lobby. the man then walked out of the building and off the property making it clear he hadnt been waiting for a resident at all.

after a few minutes, i went back downstairs to the bathroom and opened the exterior door; the door to the bathroom was not only unlocked, it was propped wide-open. having stepped into the bathroom, he would have known this already. i dont know what his intentions were, nor do i think that my asking him to leave would have prevented him for hurting me if that was his intention; but, i do know lying to me to try and get me to enter that room with him. it might make me sound dramatic or paranoid to think this person intended to hurt me, but, bad things can and do happen, and i'd rather be overly-cautious than not cautious enough (and if he really just needed a bathroom, there is one in the mcdonalds and chipotle across the street).

better safe than sorry,

v/n

sweating like a whore in... well, you know

2008-02-06T13:18:00.000-05:00

i dont think of myself as a particularily religous person. or, y'know, a religious person at all. however, living in new orleans and partaking in more than my fair share of mardi gras debauchory, i recognize that there is more to the gras than getting a week off of classes to get drunk in the middle of the day and an excuse for drunk girls to show their tits; there is also, apparently, a religious aspect to the drunken celebrations. i believe (in theory) that if im going to celebrate the gras, i should also get my heathen and godless self into a church, which, i did today for the first time.

the catholics were a surprisingly aggressive bunch. i had assumed that by standing in the nose bleed section of the back i wouldnt have to worry about receiving ashes or communion, but no! they send their flying monkey's into the crowd to dispense with the crosses and the snacks. i was able to fight off the ashes, but, somehow ended up being given a communion wafer; since i dont know how to politely refuse the body of someone's diety, i politely accepted it and stashed it in my purse. i figure if people will spend tens of thousands of dollars on toast that looks like jesus, then someone will pay seriously big money for the actual body of jesus (although im unclear as to what part of the body looks like a ritz cracker). if not, i guess i can dip it in hummous and have a snack for later?

not surprisingly, the catholics were a flashy bunch. is it wrong that i couldnt stop staring at the priest in his purple robes and everchanging red hat and thinking about the red hat society women? im sure he would do them proud.

so rare, it warrants front page news

2007-12-11T13:50:00.000-05:00

D.C. Has Weekend Free of Shootings
Violent Crime Falls As 3,500 Officers Deploy During Blitz

Tuesday, December 11, 2007; Page B01

i have one of those too; it straps on

2007-10-04T12:17:00.000-05:00

during a senate hearing today, a senator referred to the prison system as the "penal apparatus." i commend the staffer who managed to sneak that in to the senator's statements. it gives me hope that i hide the word "smoshortion" in a report im submitting.

on your mark, get ready, GO!

2007-09-27T17:23:00.000-05:00

would it be wrong to post a craigslist ad saying:

"i will have unenthusiastically efficient sex with anyone who can bring me an iced coffee in the next five minutes. GO!"

this just in: the navy hates jews; prayed we wouldnt notice

2007-09-27T09:57:00.000-05:00

and they would have gotten away with it if it werent for that meddling google earth!

image of 1960s naval base coronado, near san diego in southern california.

strangely, im not nearly as bothered about the flower as i am the shoes

2007-09-26T15:29:00.000-05:00

when you stand posed, with your feet together, are your knees supposed to be that far apart?

complete this fug

2007-09-26T15:28:00.001-05:00

looking at the furry lapel of paris hiltons dress brings to mind:

why i love new orleans

2007-09-26T09:03:00.000-05:00

a friend forwarded this to me - im not sure what im more bothered by: that this may not be a joke, or that i already knew what ab/dl means (adult baby/diaper lover). damned you savage love!

Interpol beauty, I think we were wearing the same thing... - m4w
2007-09-24, 12:54PM

I was happy to see you at the Interpol show last night because I've seen you around before and I think you're really hot. You have dark hair with bangs and sublime porcelain skin. What caught my eye and intensified my attraction last night, however, was that your normally full and fine ass seemed to have a little more padding back there. Am I deluding myself because I want this to be true so bad, or am I correct in believing that you had a diaper on? Are you a fellow AB/DL? I feel that my suspicions (desires/hopes/yearnings for this to be true) are correct because I saw you tossing back with style and grace those alcoholic beverages all night, yet I never once saw you use the bathroom. Perhaps, if you had been paying half as much attention to me as I was to you, you might have noticed the same thing...And one more thing, love: is it still damp from last night?

Location: my crib
http://neworleans.craigslist.org/mis/430842479.html

local color: 17th and L street, nw

2007-09-25T15:37:00.000-05:00

in case you cant read this sign (which appeared outside a take-away place by my office) it says:

"now we serving hotdog with proper sanitizing."

begging the question, how were they serving (and sanitizing) the hotdog i ate there yesterday?

email from my grandma

2007-09-23T21:48:00.000-05:00

"anyone special in your life?"

would "no, grams, but, there is a series of well-hung, but otherwise un-special people in my life" be an inappropriate response? i just cant tell anymore.

party like its 1994

2007-09-18T09:41:00.000-05:00

email from tocssbito (the only cute single straight boy in the office): with hillary rodham clinton unveiling her health care plan and o.j. getting arrested, all that's left is for "friends" to debut and kurt cobain to die.

things that annoy me about you

2007-08-25T12:29:00.001-05:00

3) mystic tan: not only did it turn me into a human creamsicle - orange in some places and maggoty white in others - but i am also apparently allergic to it, and am itchy in some very private and uncomfortable places.

2) mail: a resident just came down to find out if the mail had come in and became irritated that i wasnt at the desk and didnt respond fast enough. im sorry that im human and i have to pee; maybe next time you can walk the extra foot further and check. your. mail. yourself!

1) people i work with: much the same way i dont want to go to the movies and narrate to you what happens (who is that? ... wait, what just happened?! ... oh! is that his wife?!?), i dont need you to tell me how my book ends. yes, i do know its a good book; ive already read 333 pages of it. you however have only read one, and just because it was the final page doesnt mean i want you to recap me on what happens.

the fifty hottest revisited

2007-07-28T17:58:00.000-05:00

ive said it before, and i'll say it again: d.c. is hollywood for ugly people. there is nothing shameful about that. its okay to say "im smart and thats sexy." the funniest thing about the hill's top 50 list is that it so clearly displays d.c.'s vulnerable underbelly, proclaiming to the world: "we were losers in high school, and yeah, we belonged to model u.n., and student government, but look at us now!" it's a sad but true fact: no one cared then, just like no one cares now. and apparently to us insecure d.c. wonks, its not enough to be working in politics, drafting legislation and making the decisions that impact the country, and in some cases the world, you have to also have been a cheerleader!

as far as i know, the hill doesnt publish a commensurate a "fifty smartest" or "most influential" list on the hill. you have to shake your head and chuckle (and try not to vomit).

let's start with the highlight, the cop:

every year the hill list includes one u.s. capitol police officer. why? because they need at least one person on the list who fits within the traditionally defined parameters of the word "hot."

the cheerleader: the cheerleader states that its her job is to "preserve and enhance benefits and quality-of-life programs for members of the Navy, Marine Corps and Coast Guard," thats code for "i can suck a golf ball through a hose," right?

speaking of, lets move on to the token asian: the word "suck" is used twice in her bio. why doesnt the hill just come right out and say what they're so obviously thinking: me sucky sucky, me love you long time!

the-entitled-child-of-well-connected-parents: "i know everyone in this town!" wow. why not just wear a shirt that says "i used to be a madison girl; now i belong to late-night-shots. i love smith point, and hate adams morgan (ethiopians scare me!)."

the-twenty-two-year-old-flip-flop-wearing-staffer: gwen stefani and fergie are supposed to be your guilty pleasure; if thats the music you confess to listening to, i fear for your ipod. i bet you listen to c&c music factory and ace of base, dont you?

the-staffer-who-left-her-car-running-in-the-garage-overnight: are you also the reason hairdryers have warning labels instructing you not to use them in the shower?

the cheerleader-gymnast-beauty-pageant-winner: its a good thing you kept your head girl; ruptured tendons heal, but a scar is forever.

honestly, when the writing is this awkward its almost not even worth mocking. its like picking on the boy who wore a cape and monocle to class in high school and sat home on saturday playing dungeons and dragons.

you have to feel bad for the hill writing staff because clearly it doesnt pay well; as best i can figure, they are all forced to free lance writing copy for lava life commercials ("the fit, full lipped aquarius...is just as comfortable in a dive bar drinking beer as he is enjoying a super-expensive bottle of champagne. one of his favorite dates, in fact, was a day of rock climbing, followed by a ballet presentation at the kennedy center and dessert at morton’s.").

annual abuse of the words "hot" and "beautiful"

2007-07-25T10:33:00.000-05:00

they say that politics is like hollywood for ugly people. i think its more like high school with bank accounts and ugly suits - proof of my theory arrived today via the 50 hottest people on the hill, which is like the superlatives of congress.

unfortunately, my duties at headquarters are getting in the way of my mocking this list of the hottest people on capitol hill (which, by the way, i look forward to all year). commentary to come, or, leave your own (any guest bloggers?!).

look for the girl in the cheerleading costume, and let the mocking of the LNS-georgetown-douchery begin!

fun with mugshots!

2007-07-24T09:27:00.000-05:00

is it wrong that i think the coked out look is kinda hot on her? it is, right? i should be ashamed, huh?

things that confuse, annoy, disgust and scare me (in that order)

2007-07-22T18:20:00.001-05:00

4) fantasy congress: for those who arent lobbyists, and want to play along at home.

3) last night i left a gallon of water in the fridge; someone obviously drank it and refilled it with tap water. remember how in high school you would break into your parents liquor cabinet and drink their vodka, then fill the bottle back up with water to hide the evidence? remember how you never really got away with it? it's kinda like that. unlike when you switched my coffee with folgers crystals, i did notice. how did i notice? well, the taste of chlorinated river water kind of gave it away.

2) late night shots. my memory is a little fuzzy, and i dont remember if i blogged about this "exclusive" d.c. based social network before or if a.h., d.l. and i just exchanged snarky and disgusted emails about it, but they have finally lived up to the full weight of their asshat potential. look no further than groups (and people) like this for reasons why i hate d.c.

is the article unprofessional and over-the-top? yes. but, that doesnt make it untrue. read the comments if you need proof.

which brings us to this question: people in d.c., are they bigger douches than people in other cities? discuss. (having grown up in the area, its hard for me to gauge, since sadly, this is what i know and use as my basis for comparison). its all a little too patrick bateman for me.

1) "president dick cheney"

with practice, and some guided instruction, you will find the door to my building operates just like yours.

2007-07-22T17:23:00.001-05:00

the front door to my apartment building is glass. it adds to the "curb appeal" of the building by creating an open, inviting space where upon arrival you think to yourself, "i could live here!" making the leasing offices job that. much. easier.

however, just as you do not expect to walk up to a house on connecticut avenue in washington d.c. and discover the door wide open, you similarly should not expect to find the door to my building to be unlocked. after pulling on the door and discovering it to be locked, you will notice a box with a button located against the wall to your left; do not push it. and whatever you do, do not push it and hold it down. the button is not an intercom, but a doorbell. holding the bell down will irritate the girl behind the desk (in this case me) making it unlikely that i will assist you in opening the door when you need to leave.

assume that i have both seen you approach the glass door that i am positioned directly in front of, and heard you tug violently on it, and will proceed to unlock the door allowing you to enter. after making eye contact and smiling at you, giving you every indication that i have seen you and am aware of the situation, do not proceed to ring the doorbell; i simply cannot stress this enough.

when you hear the click, you will know that the lock has been released, and it is now safe to open the door. the door does not open on its own, making it necessary that you pull open the door again. please feel free to do so; please do not wait for me to pantomime opening the door before you attempt again as it will make us both feel stupid.

on your way out, remember that you pushed the door to enter, and will have to pull the door to get out. forgetting this will again embarrass us both by forcing me to explain how doors operate.

xoxo
van nasty

things that currently live in my purse

2007-07-22T16:42:00.000-05:00

i like big purses. and since its silly to cart around a huge purse with only your keys, wallet and phone in it, i tend to load up. in my purse right now im dragging around:

1) a black long sleeved sweater (in case brunch was cold).
2) a black short sleeved sweater i bought in may and need to return to the mall (in case brunch ended early and i had time to go to pentagon city mall [which it didnt (which was fine!)]).
3) my blackberry
4) my house keys
5) my spare house keys (and yes i appreciate that carrying them both together is a disaster waiting to happen).
6) my wallet
7) my cell phone
8) a bottle of balsamic vinegar. yes, you read the right. a bottle of balsamic vinegar. (its for the salad i brought for dinner - which is in the fridge, not my purse).
9) fluke: or, i know why the winged whale sings by christopher moore.
10) coyote blue also by christopher moore. i finished it on the metro, so i had to bring a spare, and since im in a christopher moore phase, i have to read everything he's written. im about halfway through the list.
11) a diet coke (one can never predict when there will be a diet coke emergency).
12) a full size bag of pretzels.
13) a pound bag of peanut m&ms (see #11).

cspan: the watched pot of cable channels

2007-07-17T15:35:00.000-05:00

nothing interesting ever happens on cspan during the 18 hours a day im actually watching it.

is that why people on the hill always think im an intern?

2007-07-11T12:57:00.000-05:00

recently my office installed cable in our offices. those of you who know me know i dont have cable at home. i choose not to have cable not as any sort of statement, but rather because if i had it, i would never sleep choosing instead to watch infomercials until 5 a.m. eating take out and drinking red bull to stay awake long enough for bare essentials to go on sale at qvc. in other words, i would weight 900 lbs and when i died, i wouldnt fit out my door, rather someone would have to knock out a wall and use a crane to lift me out.

it therefore goes without saying that putting cable in my office was a bad decision and my productivity has gone from 20% to zero.

admittedly, headquarters put cable in our offices so we could watch cnn and cspan (which by the way, is like watching the security camera at the men's warehouse store). this was pointed out to me when i was caught watching "what not to wear" on the style network (in my defense, it was during recess!).

i have since been tuned into cspan all day every day (except at 4pm when i watch the daily show and the colbert report, natch) leading me to ask: is there some sort of time warp in the house of representatives that slows down time whereby a "minute" in the house is equal to five minutes everywhere else on the planet? and if so, do congressmen age more slowly? i demand an investigation!

in parts of the country, this is considered news

2007-07-11T11:23:00.000-05:00

last month bill o'reilly "reported" that there are over 150 lesbian gangs in the metropolitan dc area. if thats true, then i ask "why is there only one home depot in d.c.?"

shockingly, bill o'reilly and his "investigative reporter" didnt have their facts right.

according to rod wheeler: "During the O’Reilly Factor segment on June 21st, while engaged in a discussion on Lesbian gangs, I inadvertently stated that gang members carry pistols that are painted pink and call themselves the “Pink Pistol Packing Group.” I was not referring to the gay rights group “Pink Pistols” who advocates for the lawful rights of gays to carry weapons for protection. Further, I mentioned that there are “over 150 of these gangs” in the greater Washington DC area. What I actually meant is that there are over 150 gangs in the Washington DC area, some of which are in fact lesbian gangs. Lastly, I mentioned in the segment that there is this “national epidemic” of lesbian gangs. A better choice of words would have been to say that there is a growing concern nationally, and especially in major urban areas, of increased gang activity, which includes some lesbian gang activity. I apologize for any misunderstanding this may have caused."

bellydancing otter

2007-07-11T11:01:00.000-05:00

paris hilton effect

2007-07-09T16:56:00.001-05:00

question: if a butterfly flapping its wings can create atmospheric changes that result in tornados halfway around the world, what is the result of paris hilton's recent hawaiian vacation?

photo: just jared

answer: the number one killer of coral reefs: herpes. i think the reason is pretty obvious.

p.s. i love that someone is quoted in this article as saying "[coral reefs] they’re screwed no matter what we do to them.”

what you missed last night: modernist relaunch

2007-06-29T14:56:00.001-05:00

the smurfettes, and a few of the smurfs, live and in color. some of us did a better job of avoiding the camera than others.

for more, check caught in the flash.

you could cut the sexual tension with a plastic spork.

m.m.c. givin the shift eye; dj neville chamberlain in a suit?!

papa smurf and his smurfette.

d-mac.

pretty pretty princess.

girl crush: new and old.

right this moment

2007-06-29T14:34:00.000-05:00

all that stands between me and death by hypothermia is sleeves. well, sleeves and an insulating layer of fat, but, mostly sleeves.

getting dressed for muggy-june-in-d.c. weather when your apartment is hot as magma and your office is so cold that penguins would wear sweaters, isnt easy.

celebrity reveal

2007-06-27T12:15:00.000-05:00

ben affleck is a dick.

cokate has really creepy legs, but thats what airbrushing is for.

i saw you

2007-06-27T08:54:00.000-05:00

dear suit:

i saw you walking from the farragut north metro to your office. i can only assume from your carefully cultivated quirky image, that you dislike being labeled a suit; i appreciate that. i dont like being a suit either, but it doesnt change the fact that i, like you, am indeed a suit (on the outside). but listen up tiny tim: unless you are going to play me some tip toe through the tulips, pack the ukulele away for a special occasion, like playing tiny bubbles at at the retirement homes monthly bingo extravaganza.

xoxo
vn

it shrinks? like a frightened turtle.

2007-06-25T11:39:00.000-05:00

guess the celebrity part 2: who wants you to say hello to his little friend?

i could pick my teeth with those

2007-06-25T11:22:00.000-05:00

guess the owner of these sexy legs:

stolen from xposure and dlisted.

the difference between drag queens and bellydancers

2007-06-25T11:03:00.000-05:00

fake eyelashes? check.
fire engine red lipstick? check.
sequin bra? check.
wig? check.
penis tucked and taped? DING DING DING DING DING!

that said, i can only hope that my solo will be this hot.

a disturbing trend

2007-06-24T21:09:00.000-05:00

most recent google searches:

18) triple dry
17) miniskirt without undies
16) loule hair
15) dave grohl's tattoos on both his arms pictures
14) hot bitches using bed pans
13) craigslist mens clothing austin texas
12) nasty pelvic exams
11) nasty tits
10) nasty tits
9) nasty boys and girls
8) douchery
7) ucla undies run
6) men pissing on men
5) men pissing
4) salon loule
3) neighborhood assitance corporation of america
2) nasty panty
1) men pissing

the two people searching for "nasty tits" within minutes of each other? not the same person. nor are the three people looking for men pissing (on men), unless of course they have invented a plane that travels from spain to greece to virginia in minutes. i actually noticed that "men pissing" has become a very popular way to find my blog (for reasons i dont even want to know).

her name is my name too

2007-06-24T20:10:00.001-05:00

[editors note: the its a small world theme song should be playing in your head while you read this]

my friend just told me a "isnt that crazy?!" small world story that we took from "huh. coincidence" to "thats just downright freaky" in the span of two minutes.

it started out with her saying that she recently had a med student sit in on her exam and discovered that they both had a friend in common. apparently like everyone else, they made chit chat by playing the "what school are you at? oh! do you know, such and such?" game, and it turns out she did, making the get naked part of the exam a little awkward for all involved.

as she relayed the story to me, i of course ask the med student's name, because she is in the same class and year as the a.s.s. if it is who i think it is, not only have i met her several times, but she and the a.s.s. are good friends. the coincidences, however, dont stop there. it turns out that through the a.s.s. i have also met the girl they had in common; i only know this because we share a name, and while my name isnt unusual, its also not common (how many van nasty's do you know?). in fact, because we have the same name, the a.s.s. has wrongly emailed or texted us more than once, sending her information about a show at the black cat, and me notes from physiology class. i have more than once pretended to be very offended by the fact that he confuses us, and have not at all subtly let him know that i am van nasty #1, and she is van nasty #2 and that i dont appreciate being confused with someone else.

oddly enough the coincidence doesnt end there. after hearing her story, i mention that i am in the market for a new doctor and my friend offers to recommend hers to me, which i decline because ive already been recommended a good doctor. turns out (of course) its the same doctor. see? its a small world after all.

(as if on cue, someone in the building just stopped by the desk asking for help logging into their email account. turns out, they are a professor at the same university from which the a.s.s. matriculated, which, since he went to school 3000 miles away, is more of a coincidence than it sounds!).

five things about me right now

2007-06-23T11:13:00.000-05:00

5) my hair is both longer and curlier than yesterday. how is that possible? shouldnt it be that if my hair is curlier it would be shorter? and while i can understand that its curly (hello hot, humid weather!) should it also look a foot longer? thankfully, im getting a pre-cut on tuesday. as previously noted, my haircuts are irregular events. im planning to donate my hair later this year and want to test drive a new hairdresser for a new, edgier look.

4) that cannot actually be how "edgier" is spelled, can it? does it look completely bizarre and foreign to anyone else?

3) there is someone pacing, and looming over me, as we speak. allow me to explain: looming over me will not cause someone else to do their job faster. sorry. it just doesnt work that way.

2) the dewey decimals band recently played fort reno, a free concert 10 minutes from my house, and possibly my absolute favorite dc summer activity. while in the past i have had to (mostly unsuccessfully) beg people to go with me to see dewey's band (and therefore hopefully avoid the awkward, not sure what my role is or what im supposed to be doing, after show encounter) this time, every person i have ever met came out of the wood work to ask if i was going to the show (as though my history of bad decision making needed encouragement). hilariously, people were equally motivated to discourage my going to fort reno. apparently the haters know me well enough to know that my decision making skills, especially when clouded with alcohol, cannot be trusted, and actually organized to prevent me from going (not that i would have gone... at least i dont think). they plied me away with food, booze and a belated birthday dinner; god, i am such a birthday slut! (for the record, i havent seen him since the crying episode. i was however, once tempted to stop by his work [where i met him], which i miss as much if not more than him. literally, the only thing that stopped me was that i was wearing the same outfit i wore the last time i saw him, and while im apparently not too ashamed to see him again after crying hysterically in his bed, i am too embarrassed to do it in the same outfit. female logic, it boggles the mind).

1) i stepped on one of my hard contacts and have been wearing my glasses for the past three weeks. im vaguely shocked that after 10 years of hard contacts, this is the first time that thats ever happened - especially considering that they literally go flying out of my eye on a semi-regular basis. thank god i have cute glasses.

NACA update

2007-06-23T09:57:00.000-05:00

as i have previously discussed, i am hoping to soon be among the landed gentry. granted, my land will most likely be a 500 sq ft condo that brings me no closer to achieving my twin goals of one day having an in unit washer-dryer and a dish washer than i currently am, but that is not the point. the point will be that when i sit around my second hand furnished apartment, hand washing my dishes and running down to the silverfish infested basement to do laundry, i will at least be able to say i own and not rent. i will be the queen of my own little fiefdom where i can impose ridiculous rules as i see fit.

i blogged last week about my dissatisfaction with NACA, the neighborhood assistance corporation of america, a.k.a. the program i have been trying to use to buy my "house". their response was swift and appropriate. i was surprised (but not really seeing as i spent half my time monitoring blogs to see what they say about my clients) that they stumbled onto my blog; it honestly hadnt been my intention. not only did they leave me a comment on the blog entry, but they contacted me by email (which by the way is hilarious to have a conversation with someone where you are trying to convey that you are a responsible adult and are using the email address of vannastea at gmail dot com). they assured me that they had contacted to woman i met with and that she would be getting in touch with me. im sure no one will be surprised to hear that she in fact did not get back to me. nor am i sure that i would want to continue the process with her; if someone blogged about you which caused your corporate office to contact you, how excited would you be to then help this person buy a home?

side note: my account is a gmail account. as you may know, emails sent to a gmail account are scanned electronically for key words and advertisements are then targeted specifically to what they assume your interests are based on your email content. i get lots of targeted ads trying to sell me coffee which, though i dont feel like i email about, is indeed very important to my daily function, so brava gmail. this time, the targeted ad: 100% confidential whistleblowing. seriously. i had to print it out and show it to everyone in the office. hilarity ensued.

other things that happened this month

2007-06-23T08:51:00.000-05:00

more specifically, things that happened on the 11th.

much the way otherwise sane women go all bridzilla while planning their wedding - suddenly realizing they have passionate, if otherwise latent, convictions about whether the china they register for is ivory, cream or off white - i suddenly become completely insane about my birthday. i blame my father, not just because its convenient, but because im fairly certain its his fault. its been at least 20 years since ive spent a birthday with my dad, and 28 years since he's remembered my birth. granted, i often forget his birthday, but, since i had no part in his conception, wasnt present at his delivery, was not responsible for the selection and spelling of his name, and have never lived with him in any meaningful way, i think i can be granted a two day wiggle room. in years past, our birthday tango has gone something like this: he forgets. i fume silently. i wait until fathers day to call him and remind him that he forgot my birthday, at which point he laughs, and says "look at that. you werent even on the calendar!" bartering begins. finally last year i told him, "if you are going to otherwise be absent from my life, attempts at buying my affection (or toleration) are going to have to come with more zeros." i was only 20% joking.

this year, though i didnt hear from my dad on my birthday (or at all until i called him on fathers day which caught him completely off guard as he had forgotten that too), i did receive a gift certificate from him prior to the actual day. so while there is no proof that he actually knows my birthday, he does seem to be aware that he has two daughters, one of whom is still somewhere in her 20s and born sometime early in june. progress!

my mother however went all out as mothers tend to do. she sang me happy birthday no less than five times, and at least once at my office while on speaker phone. she and i spent sunday morning together having brunch (more booze than brunch) then did some light shopping in georgetown which consisted of me shopping for books and music. my sister and her family sent me a gift certificate which ive had already spent (which is so very unlike me. i normally horde those like a squirrel storing up for winter. in fact, at this very moment i have two gift certificates i was given for christmas, one from my first day at work, and one from last years birthday). so thanks m.j.; in case youre wondering, you bought me the mother mother c.d. i couldnt find anywhere else (and by anywhere i mean barnes and noble because i really wasnt trying that hard), the newish voxtrot, miranda july's new book that i will probably find, like her movies, too precious, and an ugly doll (because for a minute i was confused and thought that i was eight).

as for the actual birthday, it was spent among great friends who went out of their way to celebrate with me. i truly and sincerely feel blessed to have friends who will come out with me on a monday night and make sure that i never, not even for a second, stand around without a drink in both my hands. not only that, but apparently 28 is the year of jewelry (who knew?!) and i now sport handmade earrings, a toe ring, and a six-legged spider necklace (which i actually believe to be a dung beetle, an appropriate gift seeing as we're both full of shit!).

i am not, as you will see, a morning person

2007-06-23T08:21:00.000-05:00

its 9:30 on a saturday morning and ive been awake and quasi-functional for three and a half hours, two and a half of those at work. i actually got up earlier this morning than i do during the week which is completely unnecessary. however, its for a good cause: papa smurf is taking some of the smurfettes and i to a show at merriweather this afternoon. so, while it sucks to be at work at 7 a.m. on a saturday, its a little easier knowing that by 5pm i will be drinking gin and tonics, picnicking, listening to thievery corporation and manu chao, and generally smurfing it up.

on a smurf related topic: one of the principals at van nasty world head quarters actually said "excellent smurfing" to me on friday. im glad to hear that my one woman mission to bring "smurf" back is starting to catch on.

on a music related topic: pink martini played wolftrap on monday. shows at wolftrap are one of my favorite summer activities. who doesnt love packing a picnic and sitting on a nice summer night (i seriously almost wrote summers eve prompting me to think "who talks like that?" followed quickly by "ewwwww!")? unfortunately for me, i miss pink martini every time they come to town, and monday was no exception. last summer they played the lisner and the a.s.s. was supposed to get us tickets; granted, i should have known better than to put him in charge of ticket buying for a show i, and not he, wanted to see. as you would expect, that little endeavor went pear shaped. this year i was determined to go! however, my desire and determination was in direct opposition to the wilting summer heat and the inaugural night of fort reno. somehow, in spite of a plethora of other options, i ended up once again spending the night bonding with the couch and watching me without you, which for what its worth, is a great movie.

*update: hah! its obviously way too early for me because i totally forgot the purpose of this little trip down memory lane which was: i went in to work on tuesday and c.s. (my sister from another mother) asked the boss: how was pink martini? which prompted me to go apoplectic because, omg, not only could i have had someone to go to the show with, but it could have been the boss man to whom i have an entire wall dedicated as an alter (complete with photos, always burning incense, and hugo boss shoes).

this should be titled: me and boys

2007-06-20T15:32:00.000-05:00

because you dont always learn from your own mistakes.

google chat is too advanced for me

2007-06-18T11:43:00.000-05:00

her: what the shit are you doing??

(response to my having disappeared by closing gmail.)

me: sorry, i am constantly being outsmarted by google chat
her: it's not a good sign
me: please. im constantly outsmarted by capri suns. google should be too pleased with itself

other things that are iffy, but not yet boycotted

2007-06-17T20:45:00.000-05:00

about six weeks ago i had my first appointment with naca, the neighborhood assistance corporation of america, a national non-profit/community advocacy/home buying assistance program. my first meeting took more than two months to get and was cancelled twice. they tell you that they need two years of tax information and three months of bank statements, credit card statements and pay stubs. they use this information to perform some basic credit counseling to determine how financially able you are to buy, and what your current savings patterns are.

when i provided them with my information i said (to the low-talking-gum-popping girl at the front desk) you arent going to make copies of my information are you? her response: no. what she didnt mention was that they were going to scan my documents into the computer system. though my counselor was a perfectly lovely girl, i have no idea who else has access to that information or how long they keep it on file. they know my bank account number (savings and checking), my credit card information, my social security number, my mother's maident name, my shoe size and how much i weigh; i am essentially waiting for the day that my credit cards are maxed out and my bank account empty. not only that, but its been six weeks and there has been no follow-up, and my multiple emails and voicemails have all gone un-returned.

i am hopeful that i will still buy a place; i am doubtful it will be with naca's assistance.

p.s. please, please, please, dont empty my already anemic bank account.

p.p.s. please, please, please, feel free to pay off my student loans.

things that i am boycotting

2007-06-17T20:03:00.000-05:00

i like to keep my hair long. it has nothing to do with vanity, and everything to do with being cheap and lazy; i would much rather sleep than spend precious snooze-hitting-slash-coffee-drinking minutes styling or blowing out (or washing, or brushing) my hair (which is why im always a minute away from forming white girl dreadlocks). in fact, hair cuts (like birthdays)are annual events, or at most, bi-annual events (like sex!). and, like tattoos, are always an emergency- must-get-it-now!, sort of thing for me. ive clearly never been one for delayed gratification.

recently, after discovering a family of squirrels trying to nest in my hair, i thought, "it may be time for my 2007 haircut." and then i decided to do something stupid. i decided instead of going to my normal hairdresser who i love, i would try someone new. ive seen john from salon loule cut hair at the red and the black for the tuesday night, "i know a girl who has big feet" $12 for a haircut and a shot event. he does a fantastic job and i even have friends who see him on the regular. not only that, ive recommended him multiple multiple times. ive heard stories that he is unreliable, however, after talking to him and seeing how much time and effort he puts into his work (and finding out he's $40 cheaper) i thought it would be worth a try.

i called (and called and called and called) to make an appointment. each time i reached a voicemail, left my name and number, but, never heard back. finally, i reached john himself, and we made an appointment for friday. unfortunately, minutes later i found out i had to be in a meeting at the same time, so, i called and cancelled (leaving, of course, a voicemail). worried that no one would receive it, i called again thursday leaving another voicemail. friday rolls around and wouldnt you know it, an hour and half before my scheduled-but-twice-attempted-to-cancel appointment, john calls to cancel due to a personal emergency. because he offers to squeeze me in on monday (my birfday and real reason for getting said haircut) i dont mention my multiple, failed attempts at canceling my appointment.

monday rolls around and minutes before i try and quietly sneak out to get my hair cut, i notice a gathering in the kitchen... surprise office birthday party!! (that'll teach me to try and leave unnoticed). running late, i grab a cab and head to my haircut, getting there exactly on time only to find a sticky note posted to the door that read "be back at 4:30" which was interesting in that it was 45 minutes AFTER our appointment. annoyed that i a) missed out on my own birthday cake, and b) wasted $12 on a cab, i called the salon and, wait for it, left yet another message. three days later and no one had gotten back to me, so i sent john an email. a week later, and still no word.

had i known i was going to be stood up, i would have at least washed my hair seeing as i was going directly from work to my birthday party.

boycott!!!

disgusting, or disgustingly good?

2007-06-14T15:42:00.000-05:00

five things about me right now:

5) i am eating a pear. a pear thats lived a hard, hard life. a pear so beaten and abused that it could apply for funding under the violence against women act. that said, the pear is still mighty tasty.

4) someone sent me a power point presentation for a briefing that contained this picture which prompted the title of "disgusting or disgustingly good?"

it was titled "butter burger" and is literally a burger smothered in butter. and is that bacon i see? this is the picture the encyclopedia will use to illustrate the phrase "heart attack on a plate." is anyone else hungry?

3) the following assignment was handed out to me at my birthday festivus: find out if the hot guy in my office, a partner no less, is a top or bottom. inquiring gays want to know!

2) and on that note, i am now engaged in a conversation with cocoa puff, maker of excellent mixed tapes, debating if he were to go gay, would he be a top or bottom all because i am incapable of accepting flip remarks at face value.

1) and finally, i am going to see an interpretation of "romeo and juliet" as performed by "tiny ninja theater" before being a silent rendition of hamlet. you say whaaat? exaaaactly!

the 7th anniversary of my 21st birthday will be celebrated tonight

2007-06-11T14:57:00.000-05:00

so, today is my birthday. i have a very conflicted relationship with my birthday. it always feels awkward to ask people to help you celebrate a day that is really only important to you, and maybe, your mom (although past a certain point [say, once she no longer counts your age in months] even she doesnt care much).

last year was a particularly difficult birthday for me (though i vaguely remember celebrating for three days straight and having an awesomely drunk time). but, i was in a job i hated and working every day with people who i didnt respect and who made me miserable. its amazing the difference a year can make. i loff my job (still) and and am thankful for the opportunities it's presented me with. and, more than that, i am overwhelmed and grateful to be surrounded by such amazing people. i took yesterday off work and hung out shopping and brunching with my moms, then i went to a friends for a cook out. we had planned to go to the architecture in helsinki show, but never quite made it. instead we drank white sangria, ate b(r)ugers, coca-cola chocolate buttercream cupcakes, laughed and took hideously greasy pictures. so, all in all, a great day and an awesome way to close out my 27th year.

the lonely planet guide to my apartment

2007-06-11T14:50:00.000-05:00

FAST FACTS

Full Name: The Peoples Republic of My Apartment, A Subdivision of Greater Van Nasty

Capitol City: My Bed, My Apartment

Area: 450 sq ft

Population: 1 (Sometimes as many as 2)

Religion: The sole inhabitant worships often at the altar of Sephora, however My Apartment is a polytheistic country and also recognizes DSW, MAC, Target, Starbucks and Barnes and Noble as well as several lesser god-like deities.

AT A GLACE

My Apartment is a poor country with a skittish and infrequently seen population. Recent recessions have forced the population to take desperate measures and rations have taken a toll on the population physically and more importantly sartorially. During the summer months My Apartment is frequently hot and desolate. However, it is precisely its underdeveloped and somewhat dangerous atmosphere - combined with the opportunity to party with the local - that attracts adventurous, and sometimes desperate, visitors.

ORIENTATION

My Apartment's limited horizon of second hand furniture can be intimidating at first glance, and its population of one difficult to locate and make meaningful communications with, particularly if it is early and the population has been deprived of coffee. Unfortunately, My Apartment has rigorous customs requirements and it is often most expedient to bribe your way into My Apartment. Upon entering you will see a large couch where most of the “Gilmore Girls” watching takes place and the occasional making out with boys (see “Festivals)”. Directly across the vast expanse of My Apartment is the bed, where nothing exciting ever takes place. To the east is the food district, which is currently unoccupied except by a sole bar. The current inhabitant of My Apartment believes in the “model diet” which consists exclusively of coffee, cigarettes, and diet coke. However, to the southeast is the shopping and garment district, which is far more lively and filled with colorful shoes and handbags.

WHAT TO BRING

My Apartment strictly enforces a BYO policy that extends beyond food and beer and to what other countries consider “necessities” such as water, toilet paper, and cable. However, it is possible to purchase some of these items at a highly inflated price.

WHEN TO GO

The best time to travel to My Apartment is when the population has returned from a visit to one of the local watering holes with people from neighboring villages. Visits during daylight hours are highly discouraged as the resident will likely not be in My Apartment, and, My Apartment is best appreciated in the dark.

LOCAL CUSTOMS

The population of My Apartment has a daily ritual of complaining, cursing and redirecting blame, which occurs at various times during the course of a day but most frequently in the morning, prior to coffee, but after sleeping through the snooze button upwards of ten times. Meals are usually taken outside of My Apartment. Do not be deterred by an unwillingness to talk about emotions, or habits of repressiveness. These are traits that have been passed down through generations of WASPS who are My Apartments ancestral people.

HEALTH

Polio and hepatitis have been completely eradicated from My Apartment, due in large part to intervention from the My Apartment Department of Health and Human Services. However, My Apartment does caution travelers about the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases; while abstinence is the only 100% effective preventative, it is strenuously not endorsed by the My Apartment dictatorship. However, the My Apartment free clinic does provide condoms and antibiotics (see "Medical Services").

MODERN HISTORY

My Apartment is approaching its 10 year anniversary of quasi-independence, and “independent-like” status. This will be celebrated at the annual Birthday Meltdown (see “Festivals”), which according to Jonathan Stern, a visitor to My Apartment “is a tour de force of recrimination and self-loathing, highlighted by fanciful stilt-walkers and dancers wearing hand-sewn headdresses.”

WOMEN TRAVELERS

Solo female travelers are not welcomed in My Apartment, nor are females traveling with male guides, unless the guide is physically attractive, with significant stamina and is willing to leave said female at the border. Solo male travelers, however, are welcome and encouraged.

DANGERS & ANNOYANCES

The population of My Apartment while aggressive and often combative, is mostly considered to be neither dangerous nor violent. However, the inhabitant is annoyed greatly by people who say “anyways” even though the word is “anyway” and such instances can sometimes put travelers safety at risk.

NIGHT LIFE

There was once a cockfight in My Apartment, though it was unplanned and will likely never happen again (see "Law Enforcement").

WILDLIFE

The cockroaches are domesticated and no longer qualify as “wild.”

and in other news...

2007-06-09T20:05:00.000-05:00

last week our dance company, u street caravan, had a photo shoot... at 11 p.m. on a friday night as though i have no social life whatsoever (which may be true, but do you need to rub it in?).

as a general state of being, i am anti-photo. after having seen these particular photos, i feel completely justified. some of the pictures are gorgeous, however, none that i am in. if i were smarter, or had paid attention during logic classes, i would find a way to prove that my being in a photo and it being flattering are mutual exclusive events.

let me also say, that saying you have a "photo shoot" is far more glamorous than actually having one. cramming 14 people in a small studio with more lights than people is rarely a pleasant experience. add to that the anxiety of being half-naked and the fact that it's 1 a.m., and virtually no one, save maybe anne rice, is going to be at their best.

i spent a good 40 minutes that night posing exactly like this:

seriously though, from the princess di eyes (head tilted down, eyes looking up), to the amy winehouse egyptian eyeliner, the pup has it down. it could teach master classes in giving good face.

post photo shoot jojo and i rode the metro home together. that's right, the metro. in full drag-queenesque makeup (ridiculous fake eyelashes and blow job red lipstick included) on a friday night at 2:30 a.m. we, and by we and i mean i, looked like a tranny hooker. crossing the street from chinatown to the metro, i half expected eddie murphy to pull over and offer me a ride. i have never been so thankful to get home in my life.

though i did pull $60 between chinatown and van ness, but thats just between you and me.

long time no blog

2007-06-09T19:18:00.000-05:00

this week has basically kicked my ass in every way imaginable. work has been insane, and ive been working 13 hour days to try and keep on top of it. sadly, i think im still falling massively behind, but at 9:30 p.m. on any given weekday, there isnt much more that can be done about it.

thankfully, much of the insanity has passed. and even more thankfully, seven months in and i still love my job. its intense and sometimes crazy, but for the first time it feels worth it. most part, im not working for clients im working for causes, which makes the late nights, gray hairs and stress induced ulcers seem worth it. well, that and discovering a 12 pack of beer in the office fridge. thank god we have interns i can blame that shit on.

in other news, i got to meet amani toomer who is even more beautiful in person, and i now have tiki barber's home email to auction off the the highest bidder. commence with the bidding!!

really though, he is seriously pretty. his picture does NOT do him justice. le sigh.

panty-creamer of the day

2007-06-01T15:13:00.001-05:00

caption this:

mystery flowers

2007-05-29T13:10:00.000-05:00

i have great friends.

conclusive proof: boys and booze dont mix

2007-05-26T21:02:00.000-05:00

last night, i went to a show. i must have taken a wrong turn in albuquerque and gone to a play, cause all i got was drama. admittedly, it was my fault; tipsy girls and the boys they want but cant have are never a good combination. it was the sort of night you knew was going to end badly, though even cynical me could have never predicted how badly it would end.

things with dewey decimal have never run smoothly. starting in november it went from dinners and movies and phone calls and emails to crickets. there was never a fight or a specific incident i can point to, but suddenly i was lucky if he returned a phone call and we averaged seeing each other more than once every six weeks. last night, i saw him on the street outside black cat. his band was playing and he asked if i was coming inside. mistake number one.

we talked and we talk-talked and then we left to talk some more at his house. the night ended in tears (mine) and with one of us making a spectacle out of themself (i'll let you guess which one...). sadly, this was not the ladylike type of crying which would qualify as delicate or dainty. nope. this was hysterical, sobbing, body-shaking, convulsive crying. this was a year of pent up anger, sadness, frustration and misguided hope coming out all at once with an unstoppable force.

after walking me out of his room, he turned and walked back into his apartment. its 2 am, and dewey has many times told me his neighborhood is marginal and cabs are scarce. does he offer to walk me through columbia heights to the metro, or help me flag a cab? no. he left me crying on his front stoop and went back to bed. my cabbie pitied me enough to offer me a cigarette and offer to come upstairs with me, because he "could make me feel better."

once home, i proceeded to call several people who had been involved in various parts of the night. apparently i left a message for a.h. where i was so distraught it lead her to believe i was the victim of or witness to a violent crime.

that said, heartbreak doesnt feel like i remember it. in place of the sharp pains of insecurity and unrequited adoration that plagued the last 9 months, im left feeling dull and empty.

thankfully, i have great friends. friends who call me worried at 5 a.m. telling me to call them at any hour. friends who bring me mcdonalds picnics complete with 4 different sundaes so i dont have to choose between caramel or chocolate. friends who bring me books since i cant go back to the library. friends who call to share exciting news about having something published or call to invite me to celebrate their "weekend of love" commemorating their first anniversary as a married couple, who switch immediately into support mode as soon as they hear my voice.

things that feel like the end of the world but in fact are not

2007-05-26T18:17:00.000-05:00

10) lemon juice in paper cuts
9) having to buy books because you cant go to the library ever again
8) running out of diet coke after cvs has closed
7) eight non-stop hours of muzak
6) hitting "reply all" on an email where you call your client a douche
5) having your heart broken by someone you love who doesnt love you
4) crying in front of someone you love who doesnt love you
3) crying in front of the roommates of someone you love who doesnt love you
2) crying on the street corner in front of the neighbors of someone you love who doesnt love you
1) non-fatal cardiac arrest

nothing like cornering the market on perverts

2007-05-20T15:19:00.000-05:00

10 most recent google searches:

10) do cats have knees
9) phrase "wound up tighter than a virgin"
8) menstral (sic) pictures [editors note: why can people searching my blog not spell the word menstrual]
7) pantyhose
6) condom knocked up
5) father daughter nasty
4) "cute-girl" rape, sweatpants, t-shirt
3) printed adult diaper
2) pelvic exam fetish
1) van myspace comments with vans in them

10 most recent blogsearches:

10) tits
9) tits
8) tits
7) tits
6) tits
5) pantyhose
4) scat
3) scat
2) best breakfast in jerusalem
1) homoerotic art

to whom do i expense my triple, dry, half-caf, extra hot, sugar free vanilla soy latte?

2007-05-18T11:33:00.000-05:00

there was a water main break at headquarters overnight causing our building to close and giving everyone an unexpected three day weekend.

except us.

our office is open.

we just dont have water or a functioning bathroom, which means more bathroom trips to coffee shops, where of course you have to be a customer to get a key to use the bathroom, which means more coffee, which leads to more trips to the bathroom creating both an expensive and vicious circle.

tits and shows

2007-05-18T11:01:00.000-05:00

email from art the loser:

"while reading DCist's 'overheard'...

outside the 9:30 club after a !!! show during which about 60 fans took the stage with the band during the last song:

young woman: 'i have two rules...i don't show my tits in public and i don't get on stage.'

i was all like, OMG, that's van nasty! but then i thought, no, i bet she shows her tits."

xoxo
art

dont make me take my free concert going business elsewhere

2007-05-15T18:30:00.000-05:00

dear fort reno:

please post your schedule already so i can stop "checking back" four times a day, every day.

xoxo
v/n

holy fuck !!!

2007-05-15T18:04:00.001-05:00

ive seen !!! (chk chk chk) twice before, and theyve been both the best, and the worst, concert ive seen. the first time i saw them a few years ago, i literally stumbled onto the show, and it was one of the most fun and intense concerts ive been to in dc. gasp! people were actually dancing! after the show i became mildly obsessed; in fact their song "pardon my freedom" became my theme song during the 2004 elections when i was volunteering in florida. i would play it (specifically the line "you can tell the president to fucking suck my dick") every morning to psyche myself up to knock on strangers doors all day praying they didnt open the door holding a gun.

so, you can imagine how excited i was last year when they played the black cat on my birthday. i drug friends who have never been to u street before, let alone the black cat (or, you know, ever heard of !!!), out to the show which they ruined by sucking. after waiting for them for hours, they finally took stage for three songs. awesome.

understandably, i was hesitant to go to the show last night, but decided to give them another chance (mainly because i had nothing better to do on a monday night). once again, they were on their "a" game and gave a great show. i dont normally need to be close to the stage to enjoy a show, but we pushed ourselves up to front row center which was awesome because it gave me somewhere to stash the big heavy work bag i was dragging around with me. we were so close that not only was my face basically in the lead singers crotch the whole time, but we got tangled up in the mic cord more than once; i would say we were close enough to smell the band, but, trust me, that isnt saying much. there were scalpers outside complaining about the smell of dirty hippies wafting out from inside.

the best thing about !!! is the lead singer. not only did he once stop a show i was at to yell to the crowd "scream if you love cocaine!" but he prances and dances like a gayer version of mick jagger. i heart him beyond what i can tell you. i want to fold him up in my purse and bring him around with me everywhere i go. although there are two people who trade off vocals; one is energy personified, and the other is this intense, zombie-esque person who im sure survives on a meal of brains and virgin's blood.

i mention the aside about my bag because, once up front, we stashed our bags under the stage and proceeded to defend our territory like mama bears with a den full of cubs. normally, im not so territorial (okay, fine, i am), but this morning i had a meeting with someone about being approved for a mortgage (eek!) and, since the meeting was at 830 this morning, and im not a morning person, i had brought all my paperwork with me, in my bag, to the concert. well, that and because im stupid. so basically, my entire financial history (credit card statement, student loans, savings and checking accounts) were all in that bag. its the sort of thing that if it had been stolen, it would have kind of sucked. there was one drunk, drugged out girl who tried to push her way to the stage, unfortunately for her, she underestimated both our wingspan and our willingness to use our elbows as weapons. and while it was cute when she used her headbanger hair toss to compete for space, it was also ineffective seeing as her ear length hair was no match for the four foot circumference of my porno head thrash hair toss. nice effort though and good luck next time.

and, thank you !!! for not playing an encore.

happy mothers day

2007-05-13T18:25:00.000-05:00

its nice to see that someone still buys american.

cnn for president in 2008!

2007-05-13T17:38:00.000-05:00

on may 11, for 12 seconds, america was a better place than its been in (at least) six years.

call me a prude, but i just dont find rape and nazi humor funny anymore

2007-05-12T19:00:00.000-05:00

it was a week ago today that i went to rnr hotel for the relaunch of a local website (because apparently dc is so strapped for glamour that "re-launching" a website constitutes a party-worthy event). the show featured 10 local bands performing all cover songs. i went with the smurfettes and told myself i was going despite the fact that dewey decimal would be there. of course i was lying seeing as ive now held on to the projected relationship three times longer than there was anything even resembling a real one (note: im not a very good liar and managed to only convince myself).

the show was loud; much louder than i would have thought (i dont know why in my mind i equated "cover songs" with soft, yanniesque music but i did, and therefore failed [again!] to bring earplugs). we pushed our way up to the front but the sound system wasnt great and it was still hard to hear some of the vocals. each band did three songs, and during one of the requisite "chat with the audience pauses" my friend and i hear the singer of a band say "painted proud rapist on our van... had to cover the swastika that was there... another reason to hate us." we looked at each other and thought audibly "did he really just say that?" we decided to take it as a sign to go upstairs and investigate the rest of the party.

if i may interupt my own story, the comment was obviously meant as a joke. i didnt think he, or anyone else on stage, meant it. i had no intentions of burning my copy of their c.d.s or going to their myspace and leaving a bile filled comment. i thought it was in bad taste, particularly in a crowd where half your audience is female, but our communal reaction was more "meh" than rage. ironically, the comment followed a different band's cover of sabotage; the beastie boys forever endeared themselves to me during the 1999 mtv music awards when they made an impassioned plea to other artists that they have a responsibility to protect female concert goers from rape and sexual assault. the comment was made in reference to woodstock '99 where several women reported being pulled into mosh pits and raped repeatedly.

on my way home in a cab with 8 perfect strangers, people were discussing the swastika comment and i mentioned that i left right after it. a girl next to me rather dramatically rolled her eyes and told me i was too politically correct and that they were being irreverent (which makes me think one of us misunderstands the meaning of that word). according to her, i didnt hear the comment correctly, and the guy actually said someone in their neighborhood had painted proud rapist on their van, which he followed up with the lame joke about covering the swastika (which actually makes much more sense). i found the whole exchange more unnerving that the original comment that sparked it. self-satisfied-holier-than-thou hipster girl patronizes car full of women by telling them that they cant be offended by a casual, off-hand joke about rape and nazis. i could have understood her response if we were talking about boycotts or intervention from the anti-defamation league or storming their next show with signs from the national organization for women while chanting "this is what a feminist look like," but literally all that was said was, "yea. that was weird." assuming this girl wasnt their sister, girlfriend, cousin, aunt or mother, i find it odd to go out of your way to (vehemently) defend that comment.

there were 9 women in our giant, 15 person van/cab . currently in america - where every 2.5 minutes someone is sexually assaulted - one in six women has been the victim of sexual assault, meaning 1.5 people in that car represent victims of rape, attempted rape or other sexual violence.

youre right. i totally see the humor in that comment now.

happy freakin' mothers day

2007-05-12T18:44:00.000-05:00

the non-status of comprehensive sex education in america allows people say idiotic things like "arent you lucky you dont have kids?" no. im not. my not having children is only 2% luck, and 98% birth control and keeping my legs crossed. and if you dont know that, then that explains why you have three children who you dont appear to like.

boys against girls

2007-05-10T13:28:00.002-05:00

it seems that a few boys from the past have unionized, and on tuesday executed a coordinated attack of douchery and idiocity (yea, i made up a word. what?). it was unfortunate for many reasons not the least of which was a significant depletion of the available "men on reserve" stockpile. its the mormon in me; we like to stockpile a years supply. and lets face it, when the world ends and we're forced to live off of the canned peaches and homemade pickles, we're gonna also need some recreational activities to keep from going insane.

velveeta has in his head that i am some sort of vagina delivery service that makes house calls 24 hours a day. or more appropriately, who gets him off mentally so his girlfriend can get him off physically. i cannot stress strongly enough how very, very (very very very) wrong this assumption is. velveeta and i havent seen each other since october, and it was perhaps the first completely amicable and mutual faze-out, break-up in history. he started getting serious with someone just as things between dewey decimal and i were getting good which allowed for us both to quietly walk away with no awkward scene or conversation. i can safely say the relationship died a completely pain free and natural death. until tuesday that is, when he fell under the impression it could be revived as some sort of online flirtation/possible booty call. he resurrected it only so it could die a painful, sloppy death guaranteed to generate absolutely no goodwill whatsoever. how do you end something with a guy so submissive that you cant express to him what a selfish assface he is, without him getting aroused? it isnt easy folks. eventually diplomacy failed me entirely and i was forced to put the relationship out of its misery after a long and intense battle of wills (or rather my will v. his persistence). ultimately his passport to van nasty was revoked and his name added to the list of enemy combatants.

you would think that was the end, but due to fat fingers and a small keyboard, it wasnt. i sent my friend a message saying the cheeseman and i had had a fight and officially declared it asshole day. unfortunately, she lives next to him in my phone and i sent the message to him. thats right. i sent him a text message calling him velveeta. i tried to explain it away but, you know what, fuck it, maybe now he'll get the message.

from what i can tell, dewey decimal abstained from joining the union. he's never struck me as a "joiner" though my guess is he just didnt want to pay the dues. although who knows. maybe there is another, future attack planned and they're just trying to keep me on my toes.

that said, things are looking much better lately. my three year old niece has apparently named her in utero brother-to-be "cocky;" "fairytopia" if its a girl (naturally). not to mention diet coke plus was on sale at cvs for $.77 - is it my birthday and i forgot? or van nasty appreciation day? i dont know but its a sad state of affairs when an entire person can be replaced by the thirst quenching refreshment of a zero-calorie, vitamin fortified 20 oz bottle of caramel colored goodness.

p.s. sorry if that whole knocked up thing was a secret sis. but lets face, people are gonna start noticing eventually.

today has officially been asshole day

2007-05-08T18:25:00.000-05:00

and its going to take a whole lot more than this to take the taste out of my mouth.

greatest cover art ever

2007-05-07T10:22:00.000-05:00

coco rosie

everyone i know is creaming themselves over this show tomorrow night at the rock n roll hotel. if they are half as good as their art work, it will be awesome indeed.

foiled again

2007-05-07T09:48:00.001-05:00

dear georgie:

once again, you stood me up this weekend; i am actually starting to question your commitment to this relationship. i was willing to excuse the time you cancelled our picnic plans due to the pouring rain, after all, the rain is horrible on a girls hair (not to mention a bands equipment). and, missing you on thursday night: totally my fault. i had to reschedule dinner plans, trust me, baby, i would have rather been with you. it was a family thing, you understand. or at least, i thought you did. but then, saturday night - which i really thought we had both been looking forward to for a long time - the final consummation of our longtime courtship, and you pulled out.

sigh.

im beginning to think this is one sided infatuation. the other bands were good, but they werent you, georgie james.

xoxo
v/n

apparently i can get more bitter

2007-05-05T16:51:00.000-05:00

dear cohabiting-but-non-rent-paying resident:

was i rude just now?

im sorry, its just that i didnt realize you were serious when you asked me to stop cleaning because the "fumes" from my windex were too noxious for your delicate sense of smell. i bet my typing is also disruptive to you too. im so sorry i cant provide a more serene environment for you to enjoy while you sit at our computers for hours on end, whistling, which by the way is my number one pet peeve. why dont you just stand over me crunching ice in my ear while whispering the most cringe inducing words in the english language: supper, anyways and panties.

allow me to again say how sorry i am that my doing my job gets in the way of your reading your emails and searching the no-strings-attached postings on craigslist. is my breathing bothering you? maybe my very existence (seeing as only low-class people do jobs involving polyester suits and cleaning products)? why dont i just sit here and hold my breath until you leave? or would that bother you too, seeing as your probably too delicate to have to see my dead body behind the desk.

xoxo
v/n

there are no unwanted babies, only unwilling pandas

2007-05-04T16:07:00.000-05:00

Panda Demands Abortion

as seen in my inbox

2007-05-04T15:39:00.000-05:00

"may the fourth be with you."

*snort*

my life: now totally and utterly complete

2007-05-04T14:54:00.000-05:00

someone has found my blog by searching the phrase "drinking menstral [sic] blood pictures." (b.t.y., is "phrase" the right description? lord knows its not an expression, or maybe it is, just not in the u.s. maybe somewhere... probably transylvania?).

naturally, i also had to search this term thinking "man! someone must have plowed through a lot of pages to find my blog with that search!" wrong. i was the sixth. this search also led me to "fecalface.com."

i can officially retire now. nothing will ever top this moment. okay, maybe if it had been minstrel blood, now THATS something i can get behind; damned medieval hippies.

wow. that looks, ... well, ... it looks...

2007-05-03T11:52:00.000-05:00

god damned painful.

probably not interesting to anyone but me but im sharing anyway

2007-05-03T09:15:00.000-05:00

last night at the sunset rubdown show, i saw someone i know from work. they obviously thought i looked familiar but didnt recognize me without my ill-fitting polyester uniform; i waved and smiling, acknowledging that we do, indeed, know each other. however, someone else thought i was waving at him and proceeded to engage me in a very bizarre conversation. turns out, he grew up in the town near me, and showed me what turned out to be the most awesome tattoo i have ever seen. he used to work where my mom has worked for over 10 years, and apparently loved it so much, he had the logo tattooed on his arm. my mother doesnt work for a large chain or a place with a dirty and interesting name; no, my mom does leasing for a mall, and he had the mall's logo tattooed on his arm. simply. awesome.

more things that annoy me about you (at a concert)

2007-05-03T08:44:00.000-05:00

so the past couple weeks have been rather show heavy: wolfmother, dismemberment plan, peter bjorn and john, sunset rubdown, hopefully konono no.1 friday, and the byt cover band salute on saturday. either i am becoming more curmudgeonly, or, people are increasingly annoying. i give a pass to the young who have not been initiated into the show etiquette but you hipsters should know better; for fuck sake youre in your thirties!

9) people who talk during the entire show, but who insist on standing next to the stage. if you dont know or care about the band, are here to see and be seen only, or just want the music to be ambient to your conversation, thats fine. stay your ass in the back, where you can loudly and freely talk without disrupting everyone else who is, and i know that this is a crazy concept, at the show for the music! some of us like seeing live music, and a major part of that is being able to both see and hear the musicians, not your conversation about which of you can "dork out more," which, by the way, is an argument i can settle by saying youre both losers.

10) encores. there was a day when the encore had meaning; when a band was so amazing that people refused to leave until they heard one last song. now, the encore is a scheduled part of the set list for every show (no matter how shite the band), where after three minutes of standing and clapping, they come back to the stage to play another twenty minutes. you arent fooling anyone by not playing your only radio hit during your set; we all know youre coming back. just play the extra five songs during your set and let the audience decide if we want more or not.

just because i own all six seasons on dvd doesnt mean anything

2007-05-02T17:47:00.000-05:00

what does it say about me that i got multiple email and text messages about the fact that the gilmore girls gave shout outs to both the 930 club and the black cat last night? that my friends know me well, i guess?

annuals of douchery

2007-05-01T08:27:00.000-05:00

apparently, d.c., youve read the blog and you want to turn this concert going bitchery into a series. either that or im a cat and a bathrobe away from becoming the old lady on the porch who chases kids off her lawn talking about how in my day, kids had some respect for their elders.

now dont get me wrong, im all for people having a good time. much like im completely flexible - so long as everything is exactly how i want it - im completely in favor of people enjoying themselves (so long as they do it in the way i want them to and it doesnt in any way annoy or inconvenience me).

ive already enumerated my top two annoyances (people who wait till the last minute, then push through the crowd and stand directly in front of you obscuring your view and people with cameras held high in the air directly in front of you obscuring your view) so let's start with number three:

3. people who loudly and inappropriately sing; this is not a sing along and no one here paid to listen to you.

4. people. who. clap. but. cannot. find. a. beat. see above.

5. people who dance but have no appreciation of the room their body occupies in space. this is not a thrash jazz class and your right to express the music through you body ends when your elbow connects with my gin and tonic.

6. people who put their beer bottles on the floor instead of in the garbage ensuring that it will be knocked over spilling backwash beer and glass all over your feet.

7. the people outside the club distributing flyers who act as though they are doing you a favor by hoisting their shit on you that you a) dont want, b) will never look at, c) never listen to, d) and only turn around and throw away. and to those who cannot even bother to seem friendly or enthused: you are promoting yourself. if you find yourself that boring, i can only imagine how much i'll hate you. and, if youre going to be selective in your distribution process, maybe standing outside the 930 club at a sold out show, isnt for you; if you want your party to be exclusive then why are you advertising? either you want youre event to sell out, or you don't. if you do then this is no longer a party for just you and your friends; you're going to have to let other people play too, even the not so cool ones.

8. the 6'5 guy and his girlfriend who pushed their way into a space where there was no room for them, and proceeded to stand directly in front of my friends and i (average height, 5'5). you clearly had no idea who the band was, yet, needed to be in the front row and when i said something to you (i dont remember what i said, but im sure it was nothing short of sweetness and light), you're response was "shove it up your ass." check back tomorrow and this spot will simply be labeled "douche" with your picture accompanying it. oh yea, d.c., its on.

is this a coincidence?

2007-04-30T11:23:00.000-05:00

or does the new yorker promotion department know something about me?!? i knew that google/doubleclick merger was trouble.

you, however, are not invited. not now, not ever, not by anyone.

2007-04-29T16:19:00.000-05:00

i go to a lot of shows. and, like people who tend to regularly do things, i have a list of pet peeves, mostly about newbies who are oblivious to the existence of show etiquette, or, y'know, common courtesy.

two stand out in my mind. the first is people who get to a sold out, packed house show after the headliner is already on stage and insist on pushing their way up to the front. we are already wound up tighter than a virgin at the prison rodeo; there is no room for you and your gaggle of drunken friends. if it was that important to you that you get a good spot, you should have gotten to the show earlier. i appreciate that standing in the audience at a show isnt the same as standing in line, but, well, it actually sort of is; if you plan to stand directly in front of someone who has been standing in that spot for 2 hours already and block their view, then expect to find some gum matted in your hair or my beer all over your pants.

the second is people who spend the entire show with their camera over their head video taping the stage. i dont really understand this concept myself; i dont know who goes back and watches this footage or who looks at their 50 pictures of tiny people on stage thiry feet away and obscured by a million blurry heads, but, whoever they are, there are a lot of them, and they are ruining it for the rest of the audience behind them. when i saw death cab a year or so ago the audience was a sea of cameras; so much so that it obscured my view completely and i had to watch the entire show on lcd.

it remind me of this weeks new yorker:

the couple, standing inches away from a stunning piece of art opt to look at it through the 2.5 inch screen of their camera instead of living in the moment and seeing what is directly in front of them in wide screen. this phenomenon is fascinating. its like people who go out to dinner and ignore their company in favor of talking on the phone or text messaging all night. i guess eventually none of us will leave the house at all; we'll just spend all night hanging with our friends from myspace watching youtube videos and playing internet poker.

you are invited

2007-04-28T21:43:00.000-05:00

despite having grown up in d.c., the dismemberment plan's "final" show at fort reno was both my first fort reno show, and my first time hearing the band (my teen years were punctuated by horrible choices in music -- my first c.d. was c&c music factory if that tells you anything). last nights sold out reunion show reminded me how much i love them; something i havent thought about since seeing their actual final show at the 9:30 club.

my plan for last night had been: dance rehearsal and laundry. at 10:30 am i received an email from a friend offering up a ticket to the nights sold out show to the fastest responder. i believe my exact response was "me! memememememe! pick me!" fortunately, i was not only the most enthusiastic but also the fastest.

i arrived at black cat at 930 to meet m.m. who was running a little late. the music in the club was deafening; somehow despite owning hundreds of pairs of ear plugs i, once again, found myself without any (hence why i own literally hundreds of them). since they vend in the machine for 50 cents, i needed to buy something that would give me quarters (or at least this was my logic and the only acceptable reason to ever order a pbr). i dont drink beer and it took me a good hour to knock it back - only half way through did i notice they sell earplugs upstairs at the bar meaning i could have ordered a drink that was actually drinkable. it was around the same time that i remembered m.m., l.w. and i's mutual lust for the bass player which gave me new cause for excitement.

something about dismemberment plan makes me feel like im in middle school; something more than the fact that the average age of concertgoers in the room was 17. their lyrics are dramatic, and wistful, passionate and intense. they remind me of the days when you would spend hours dissecting every word a boy said to you, interpreting every glance and feeling like the fate of your future happiness relied entirely on how he responded to your "do you like me? check yes, no or maybe" note. which for me was just last week.

m.m. and i had an amazing time dancing, laughing, singing loudly and out of tune, and watching the tweensters rush the stage before the set was even over. plus, the passing around of an R rated cake made it feel like fort reno's annual "night of a 1000 cupcakes."

in the car on the way home, m.m. reminded me that we actually have dismemberment plan to thank for our friendship. l.w. met m.m. through a "mutual friend" (a.k.a. a boy who picked them both up separately at bars) at a dismemberment plan show. it was love. the three of us (and the boy) have been friends ever since.

so to them, and to you, i say:

you are invited
by anyone to do anything
you are invited for all time
and you are so needed
by everyone to do everything
you are invited for all time

besides, how do you not love a band that does a punk cover of beyonce's irreplaceable?!

the second one is, like, totally the best

2007-04-27T15:00:00.000-05:00

this makes me almost think i want kids.

do cats have knees?

2007-04-27T14:22:00.000-05:00

revolutionizing your life in new ways

2007-04-27T09:47:00.000-05:00

the fact that im a music dork is well documented. months ago i saw an awesome plug-in for macs that runs through your itunes and creates a calendar of upcoming concerts for any band in your itunes. i tried to outsmart the system and make it run on my pc with no luck. a few weeks ago, i saw iconcert which does the same thing for your pc; yes, its possible that i just diseased my computer, but honestly, thats a risk im willing to take. not only does it create an awesome calendar, but it allows you to add shows not included on your itunes. unlike other "i" products which boggle the mind.

salute the vagina

2007-04-24T12:00:00.001-05:00

oh, youve already seen this?

you saw it on that one blog? and your high school friend sent it to you? the slutty one, who still sends you emails written like this "oMg!?! LOL! U haVE 2 C THIS!" and your friend from college? AND the girl in the cube next to you? the one who always reeks like stale cigarette and who spend half her day calling bars trying to figure out where she left her cell phone and credit card.

okay, so you know how good dick'll make you slap somebody, and how it can be soothing to the vagina, but, have you seen the remix?

and just to be clear, the woman next to her is her mother.

bul-gay-rian never nudes

2007-04-24T11:54:00.001-05:00

and yes, i only posted this so i would have an excuse to use that title.

a note to the 18 year old girls across the alley

2007-04-24T08:53:00.000-05:00

dear students living in the university of california building:

spring like totally rocks, right? its like awesome when the sun is out and the air is warm and theres not a cloud in the sky. and, i can like totally see where youre coming from wanting to take advantage of the nice weather, but, as your neighbor, i thought id let you know: when you sit outside in your bikini (or as one frisky gal did, topless) on the sundeck everyone in my building gathers in the kitchen and rates you. yep, its immature and juvenile, but, its the price you (knowingly?) pay for baring all in a city, on a sundeck where all the surrounding buildings are taller than you.

xoxo
v/n

p.s. do me a favor? can you get some young shirtless dudes to join you next time? why is all the fun reserved for the straight dudes and the lesbians?

sassy but (not) classy

2007-04-23T16:57:00.000-05:00

i received this line in an email from someone recapping our conversation in a bar a few weeks ago: "any girl who makes a joke about having a cock in her ear is worth talking to as far as i'm concerned." i have no recollection of said comment, and i was sober at the time.

"plan b"

2007-04-21T21:04:00.000-05:00

last night, j.k. and i went to the justin jones and the driving rain show at the continuing my recent trend of seeing singer-song writers yummy enough to eat (after reading his press clips, i realized he doesnt just bare a striking resemblance to the cute boy who served me a drink at 930 club on wednesday, but in fact is the cute boy who served me a gin and tonic on wednesday).

we arrived to the show late and were fed misinformation leading us to believe that we had actually missed j.j.a.t.d.r.; thankfully that wasnt the case. this was confirmed by a guy sitting at the bar who asked us if the band current band was up, and if j.j. had started yet; turns out, he was the drummer.

after the show while trying to decide where to move our party of two to, we settled in at the bar for one drink. there were exactly two empty seats at the bar, but they werent together. we asked the man in the middle to move so we could sit together, and he graciously did. he moved back forming a triangle with him in the middle. not really what we had in mind, however, after boyfriend started buying us shots of jameson, it stopped mattering.

the bartender, who ive met before with dewey, was fun, friendly and took great care of us. at one point he sat with j.k. and i and said "the bars closing, and im gonna say some rude shit to clear this place out. none of it applies to you two. you stay as long as you would like." and we did. i rolled home sometime north of 4 a.m.

ive recently realized that while i love to drink, and i love alcohol, i really, really dont like being drunk. and even more embarrassing, i heart fruity, girly drinks. i like drinks that taste good and fresh with interesting flavors like pineapple basil, cucumber vanilla or lemon rosemary martinis. i know this is going to sound crazy, but, i actually want to enjoy what im drinking, and want it to taste good. i celebrated this big girl realization by doing five shots of jameson washed down by pink shooters that tasted like tequila, and rail gin and tonics.

the X2: its more than just homeless men pissing on you

2007-04-21T20:21:00.000-05:00

overheard on the X2:

"god blessed me with the skill of makin' babies." -- the pungent smelling man next to me with his hand on my thigh. he is apparently the father of 18 kids, and was more than willing to do his part to help me in my non-existent quest to become a mother.

"look [touches my neck]: youre turning black!" -- in reference to the (somewhat large) birthmark on my neck.

when heathens travel

2007-04-21T18:55:00.000-05:00

last friday i flew to birmingham for my first trip to the 'bam and the 'ham. i spent the entire two hour flight convinced i was going to die. as ive gotten older, ive become less and less comfortable flying; not only is it unnatural to be suspended 35,000 feet above ground, but, it seems unnecessary to have to sit so close to a complete stranger that i can smell what she ate for lunch. thankfully, i did not die. however my aisle-mate was kind enough to point out that in her experience the pilots who fly the route "arent very good. and these small planes make you feel everything. and they arent good in weather [of which, we were in the middle of having]."

big red picked me up in the 'ham for my first ever in airport, waiting by the gate pick-up. it was all very exciting. the only thing that would have made it better was if dave grohl were picking me up, but, big red is a close second.

between my trip to austin and my trip to alabama, ive eaten more bbq than i thought i would consume in my entire life. apparently there is a huge southern rivalry about what qualifies as bbq. according to a friend from memphis, what they serve in austin is "grilled beef" and sure its good, but it aint bbq. after having experienced the heaven that is dreamland bbq, im inclined to agree.

our bellies full to the point of sickness, big red and i continued to the griffin house show at workplay. not only was the show great, but griffin house is quite a muffin.

after our trip to dreamland, i never thought i would need to eat again. thankfully i was wrong, and we had the best breakfast imaginable though i resisted trying the "yeasty" buckwheat pancakes (im not sure how, sounds so appetizing, doesnt it)?

i was in bama for an engagement party in gurley about an hour and half from the 'ham and the real fun was the drive up. its hard to say what was more fun: 1) figuring out that my cell phone will read me my text messages and the subsequent sending of perverted messages to my cell phone for our enjoyment ("i wa-nt to kees your sweeeet creamy teets"), or 2) the ave maria grotto. the grotto has given my life meaning; it is literally a monument - a shrine - to crap. the grotto calls itself "jerusalem in miniature" and is four acres of miniature reproductions of religious sites. nothing prepared me for the joy that the grotto has brought into my life.

i still havent found the words to talk about the grotto so instead im going to let these pictures speak for themselves. without them, you may think i was too harsh.

if there is a god, i think the fact that big red and i werent struck down after taking this picture, proves he has a sense of humor. though had we managed to get the birth control pills into baby jesus' manger, im sure all bets would have been off.

the actual engagement party was also mind blowing. we arrived at the house where we five men were hired to direct parking, and where golf carts drove you to the door. while we were in the limo driving to the party one of the party guests asked what was manufactured in gurley; i resisted my natural urge to say "blonds." though i did chortle when my friend said she was taking bible study.

the party was literally awesome. i guess if you grow up in a house that looks like southfork ranch, you wouldnt think much of this place, but it looked more like versailles than versailles does. and, out of 250 people, there were only two brunettes, and *gasp* we were also both democrats.

unfortunately, i had to leave early on sunday to get back to dc for work. whereas on the flight to birmingham i was afraid i was going to die, on my way back from huntsville i decided crash landing would actually be preferable to listening to the men seated behind me continue to debate abortion and praise dubya bush as the smartest man alive.

overheard at the engagement party:

"my favorite evangelist is from your town!"