all hail: the king and queen of my van nasty kingdom

lets be honest, american celebrities are pretty boring. sure, nicole richie rocks what may or may not be an ana pride bracelet, but, does she carry her coke around in a faberge egg? and while we have a few celebrities that i suspect probably dont or cant read (anna nicole im looking at you), do we have any who are published authors who go on record as "never having read a book" (and no, fantasia doesnt count. why? because i said so!). so, for our king and queen i had to turn to the brits who undoubtedly knew that the english would eventually rule america again.

THE KING:
those of you who have been reading this blog since the beginning (which for anyone keeping track [hi mom] would be six days ago), have probably begun to supsect that i prefer my men a little on the dirty side (see "kevin federline"). however that alone does not explain my love of pete doherty. i love him for being famous even though no one anywhere has ever actually heard baby shambles or could name one of their songs, though in all fairness, im assuming this is because pete is never out of jail long enough for them to perform. look at him - the simultaneously pale and jaundice skin, the meth mouth, the appearance of having no familiarity whatsoever with soap. this is a man who looks like he just walked out of an opium den, and this is AFTER being released from prison for drug possession for what, by my count, is the 234th time this year.

p.s. god i wish he were related to shannen doherty. only in my wet dreams.



THE QUEEN:
jordan is a role model for talent-less woman everywhere. much like paris hilton, jordan has managed to become famous for doing nothing, however, unlike that lazy paris, she earned hers the hard way armed with nothing but a willingness to exploit her blind child and become a human weeble.