van nasty

Sunday, December 03, 2006

he was talking about you when he said to bring the sexy back

in honor of her 25th birthday, i'd like to offer brit-brit some suggestions to help her bring back the hot.

25. stop hanging out with paris. you get enough press on your own.
24. disinfect any clothes you may have lent her.
23. cut off the hand you use to hold hers while you parade around like drunken whores at parties; no amount of lysol is going to get rid of the flesh-eating bacteria you caught from her.
22. learn to exit a car without showing your lady bits to the world.
21. realize that the kids living in your house are your children and act appropriately.
20. hire a stylist (just not rachel zoe), and some p.r. people. and some handlers. and a new makeup artist. and someone whose job in life it is to ensure that you are always wearing shoes (much like mariahs straw supervisor).
19. buy some bras and panties; lets follow victoria's lead and keep some things a secret.
18. start hanging out with madonna again; i think she may actually be a good influence on you (as counter-intuitive as that may sound).
17. reach out to xtina; she seems to have found a way to grow up, wash the slut off, get married, and stay musically relevant (or as relevant as pop music can be).
16. recognize that back up dancers are for screwing, not marrying.
15. remember that pre-nups are your friend.
14. no more vegas. ever. much like me and target, you simply cannot go and act responsibly.
13. no more trucker hats.
12. no more vintage or ironic message tees. they havent been cute since 2001. (though i will confess to being amused by your "im a virgin but this is an old shirt" wife beater).
11. while we're on the topic of wife beaters, lets get something straight, those are appropriate for: sleeping in, lounging-on-the-couch-watching-the-golden-girls-and-eating-raw-cookie-dough in, and sneaking out to grab the paper while praying no one sees you. they are not, however, appropriate for: work, clubs, or public appearances.
10. if you are going to become the unofficial spokewoman for cheetos, get an endorsement deal.
9. no more red bull (that shit cant be good for you).
8. wigs: just say no!
7. two words: gym membership (a joke coming from me, but im not britney effing spears).
6. continue to refuse to star in cross roads: the jessica simpson biography, the harrowing tale of a pop starlet trying to cross the street.
5. remember that youre supposed to be a singer, so try and record an album or something.
4. look into meeting that nice kelly clarkson girl. you never hear about her flashing photographers or screwing someone in the bathroom during her 25th birthday party (didnt think i had heard about that did you?).
3. check in with j.t. just to see if he and cameron really are happy.
2. interviews are not your friend.
1. when you are about to drop your child or your drink and you can only choose one, choose your child.

and one to grow on: never, ever, say youre "country" again.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm loving #4.

3:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yup, she should learn a thing or 10,000 from Kelly.

9:47 AM  

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van nasty

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Location: van nasty, washington, dc

i have better taste in music than you and more makeup than a drag queen.

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