this message brought to you by my enlarged liver

those of you who know me know, i am a bad patient. i am a firm believer that ignoring a situation will make it go away. so strongly do i believe this that i once got an email from gvw, who works in a hospital, telling me that a woman came into the e.r. with foot problems, and her doctors told her she had to have her foot amputated. the woman refused to believe there was nothing they could do to save her foot, to which the doctor responded "ma'am. there are maggots in your foot." gvw's email to me was: "please. dont let this be you."

clearly i am not known for my ability to make big girl decisions about basic health maintenance and preventative care. three years ago i was rushed to the e.r. with breathing problems and admitted to the hospital because the doctors thought i was experiencing a pulmonary embolism. thankfully that wasnt the case. however, that bit of good news was followed by this "we can feel your liver in your ribcage, which isnt normal for someone who isnt a 70 years old with a 65 year drinking problem."

today, however, i took the first baby step toward adulthood and scheduled my first doctors appointment in over 2 years. i thought the entire appointment would consist of me shame-facedly apologizing for being a bad person, while being scalded by my doctor, but it turns out, they are more proactive than me. this afternoon im having the echo test, ekg and the liver tests that my doctors told me three years ago were necessary for me to go to africa with the peace corps. a lifelong dream of mine that almost became a reality, held back only by my inability to follow through and take responsibility for my health.

right now, they are performing my first std and hiv test, and took seven vials of my blood to do god knows what else with. while im not scared about the tests, i cant lie and say im not worried about the results. mostly my liver tests. is living without alcohol really living? (my mormon family need not opine on that, thanks.)