van nasty

Monday, June 11, 2007

the lonely planet guide to my apartment


Full Name: The Peoples Republic of My Apartment, A Subdivision of Greater Van Nasty

Capitol City: My Bed, My Apartment

Area: 450 sq ft

Population: 1 (Sometimes as many as 2)

Religion: The sole inhabitant worships often at the altar of Sephora, however My Apartment is a polytheistic country and also recognizes DSW, MAC, Target, Starbucks and Barnes and Noble as well as several lesser god-like deities.


My Apartment is a poor country with a skittish and infrequently seen population. Recent recessions have forced the population to take desperate measures and rations have taken a toll on the population physically and more importantly sartorially. During the summer months My Apartment is frequently hot and desolate. However, it is precisely its underdeveloped and somewhat dangerous atmosphere - combined with the opportunity to party with the local - that attracts adventurous, and sometimes desperate, visitors.


My Apartment's limited horizon of second hand furniture can be intimidating at first glance, and its population of one difficult to locate and make meaningful communications with, particularly if it is early and the population has been deprived of coffee. Unfortunately, My Apartment has rigorous customs requirements and it is often most expedient to bribe your way into My Apartment. Upon entering you will see a large couch where most of the “Gilmore Girls” watching takes place and the occasional making out with boys (see “Festivals)”. Directly across the vast expanse of My Apartment is the bed, where nothing exciting ever takes place. To the east is the food district, which is currently unoccupied except by a sole bar. The current inhabitant of My Apartment believes in the “model diet” which consists exclusively of coffee, cigarettes, and diet coke. However, to the southeast is the shopping and garment district, which is far more lively and filled with colorful shoes and handbags.


My Apartment strictly enforces a BYO policy that extends beyond food and beer and to what other countries consider “necessities” such as water, toilet paper, and cable. However, it is possible to purchase some of these items at a highly inflated price.


The best time to travel to My Apartment is when the population has returned from a visit to one of the local watering holes with people from neighboring villages. Visits during daylight hours are highly discouraged as the resident will likely not be in My Apartment, and, My Apartment is best appreciated in the dark.


The population of My Apartment has a daily ritual of complaining, cursing and redirecting blame, which occurs at various times during the course of a day but most frequently in the morning, prior to coffee, but after sleeping through the snooze button upwards of ten times. Meals are usually taken outside of My Apartment. Do not be deterred by an unwillingness to talk about emotions, or habits of repressiveness. These are traits that have been passed down through generations of WASPS who are My Apartments ancestral people.


Polio and hepatitis have been completely eradicated from My Apartment, due in large part to intervention from the My Apartment Department of Health and Human Services. However, My Apartment does caution travelers about the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases; while abstinence is the only 100% effective preventative, it is strenuously not endorsed by the My Apartment dictatorship. However, the My Apartment free clinic does provide condoms and antibiotics (see "Medical Services").


My Apartment is approaching its 10 year anniversary of quasi-independence, and “independent-like” status. This will be celebrated at the annual Birthday Meltdown (see “Festivals”), which according to Jonathan Stern, a visitor to My Apartment “is a tour de force of recrimination and self-loathing, highlighted by fanciful stilt-walkers and dancers wearing hand-sewn headdresses.”


Solo female travelers are not welcomed in My Apartment, nor are females traveling with male guides, unless the guide is physically attractive, with significant stamina and is willing to leave said female at the border. Solo male travelers, however, are welcome and encouraged.


The population of My Apartment while aggressive and often combative, is mostly considered to be neither dangerous nor violent. However, the inhabitant is annoyed greatly by people who say “anyways” even though the word is “anyway” and such instances can sometimes put travelers safety at risk.


There was once a cockfight in My Apartment, though it was unplanned and will likely never happen again (see "Law Enforcement").


The cockroaches are domesticated and no longer qualify as “wild.”



Post a Comment

<< Home

van nasty

My Photo
Location: van nasty, washington, dc

i have better taste in music than you and more makeup than a drag queen.

come and talk to me