van nasty

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

random thoughts by van nasty

4) if your cocktail waitress, who has shown virtually no interest in you for the first hour of your visit, starts to get really friendly and attentive, begin to question exactly how much your table has been drinking. if she brings you out a box of chocolates when she brings you your bill, dont bother opening it. tell your friends you need to run to the ATM and casually walk out the door. keep walking. dont worry about the rest of your party; they'll figure out you arent coming back soon enough. suckers! (the advanced version of this maneuver calls for you to steal the box of chocolates before leaving. this is not for amateurs.)

3) the world is conspiring to keep me and my beloved pretzels apart. ive been having an inexplicable and insatiable craving for pretzels for days now, but the market in my building has been out. no big deal i thought, i'll just walk to rite aid. only the rite aid is sold out of pretzels too. so i walk to the street vendor on the corner, only he isnt set up today. clearly the situation is dire with no relief in sight. is it possible the entire metro area supply of pretzels has been consumed!?!

2) as you may have noticed, a recurring theme of this blog is my hatred of people who do not know how to use an escalator. and while i may mentally bitch slap some people, i also realize that missing a train isnt something to get bent out of shape over, and that often times the people clogging the "walking lane" on the left are the elderly or people with small children. i may very well burn in hell, but it wont be for yelling at a 90 year old man to stand on the right. yesterday morning as i got on the escalator i boarded immediately after a woman with one of those horrible side-by-side two child strollers who took up the entire width of the escalator. looking at this woman, you could tell she was frustrated, hot and miserable. i smiled at her, and went on reading my book.

on the scale of d.c. escalators, van ness is not a particularly long one, but based on people's reactions, you would have thought their life depended on descending the escalator in 20 seconds or less. one man actually squeezed (squooze?) himself around her, nearly sending her two children flying down the escalator. another woman behind me chided her by (loudly) yelling that she should have taken the elevator, to which the woman calmly replied that the elevator was broken and she was doing the best she could. not content to drop it at that, the rude woman behind me, who must be a heart surgeon on her way to save a life, got all huffy and defensive. aw hell to the nah. i blocked your ass in on the second escalator just for spite. where do you get off telling grown women how to live their life?!?

1) i am clearly living in an episode of the twilight zone because from where im sitting, its about 110 degrees, and its all i can do to bother putting clothes on before i go outside to sweat off all my make-up, have my hair turn into a chia-pet afro, and arrive at work red faced and with my clothes glued to my body. but everywhere i look i see women wearing long sleeved sweaters with button up shirts under them. i joke you not, i saw a guy yesterday wearing a turtleneck. is it actually winter, and im the one who's weather inappropriate? i dont get it.


Blogger Bedazzler said...

This remined me I must blog my list of things that get banned when I rule the world.

2:05 AM  
Blogger Claire said...

I love your escalator emotions. When I was in London there was this Tube escalator that I swear was half a mile long. One day it was broken and we about died walking up.

Strange, but I've been having a pretzel addiction lately, too. R asked me where the bag of pretzels went that we just bought and my answer: I ate it. Hope you can find some soon!

8:39 AM  

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van nasty

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Location: van nasty, washington, dc

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