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Tuesday, July 25, 2006

behold: the annual annals of douchery

so, i went downstairs to the market in my building to grab some fuel (read: skittles) to get me through the rest of this day, and the woman behind the counter asked me if i am going on vacation this summer, and i told her yes, i am going to a wedding. she seemed particularly taken aback by this, and i realized she misunderstood and thought i was getting married, and while i agree im not the marrying type, i thought it was a little rude of her to act THAT surprised.

however, nothing, can ruin my good mood because today the hill released their "50 most beautiful people on capitol hill" list which year after year proves that a) beautiful is as misunderstood a word as hot is, b) the chicks in d.c. are waaaaay more attractive than the men, and c) that much like playboy, they dont expect you to read the articles.

my personal favorites include this blurry and out of focus gem:

which ranks only one spot higher than him:

why on god's green earth anyone would pose like that is beyond me.

now, i was going to leave the women out of this, except to say that this is exactly what i would assume a republican staffer, possible madison woman, and future stepford wife would look like:


(something in her eyes scares the bejeezus out of me, and reminds me of mary cherry at the same time).

but then i read about beth, who loves her bible study group almost as much as she loves the president, and while the made me throw up a little in my mouth, it was this paragraph that utterly confounded me:

"Being young and active doesn't always go well with being a Hill staffer. Being stuck in a chair behind a desk all day can take its toll. That's why Beth, 22-year-old staff assistant, doesn't even have a chair at her desk. Instead, she has a bright-blue inflatable exercise ball. She says it's a good way to build up your abs and other muscles in your torso and it saves space, since the ball can just roll under your desk when you're not using it."


what in the hell? she doesnt have a chair? are you kidding me with this shit? admittedly, she has a hot body (im assuming she doesnt pear up below the waist), but good god woman. you dont need to declare your love of working out at gold's gym (do you have some bizarro endorsement deal?) and mention that you use an exercise ball instead of a chair. if i walked in to a congressman's office and saw a staffer sitting on a bright blue inflatable ball, im not sure what i would do. after i kicked it out from under her, that is.

not to mention i find it a little hard to believe she's 22. and no one wears dorthy hamill hair anymore.

other bons mots:

Edward

"The 24-year-old was born in California but raised in Wilmington, Del. He has worked in the office since February as a staff assistant and frequents Old Glory Bar-B-Que in Georgetown on the weekends. His favorite place to visit post-party is Jumbo Slice pizza in Adams Morgan before heading home to Arlington, Va., where he lives in a house full of guys."

wow. how unique. thats not at all like every other douche bag in d.c. does he also wear khakis and polo shirts?

Jayne

"Maine residents might not be happy about one fact concerning this homegrown beauty. She doesn't eat lobster. In fact, she eats barely any seafood. "Sometimes sushi," McCullough says. She prefers Mexican, presumably the kinds of dishes with beans, beef or chicken."

what? what the shit kind of writing is this?!? i want to believe that the author of this text is in on the joke and realizes how asinine this assignment is, but i dont think thats the case, just my own wishful thinking.

House Majority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio)

"Sartorial beauty is one trait Boehner embodies unabashedly, sporting tailored suits in earth and metallic tones that remain pristine even during early-morning votes."

someone used her thesaurus today. that is the ugliest sentence ever written.

Oswaldo:

"The 24-year-old Sigma Chi brother is single and lives in Georgetown with two other dudes, one of whom, Austen Jensen, also made the list."

24, presumably out of college for 2-3 years, and still listing his fraternity in his bio. you sir are an asshat.

and can the hill not find writers capable of describing 20 something males as anything other than "dudes"?

if it seems im only making fun of the republicans, im not. the hill was biased this year.

23 Comments:

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That girls eyes are giving me nightmares, and I'm not even asleep. That dude's pose is hellacious. If I tried to sit on an exercise ball at work I'd roll right off. And I'm glad you got Skittles. They're my favorite.

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