today's bitch session brought to you by old people and tourists

5) grocery store self-scanning checkouts: this is a privilege people, not a right. if you're older than methuselah and confounded by the moving stairways we call escalators, then perhaps the self scanning checkout isnt for you. if it takes you eight minutes (i counted) to check out two items, and you had to call the manager three times, then this definitely isnt for you. also, to the woman who paid entirely in pennies, i salute your moxie. however, you picked the completely wrong time to display it; sorry i had to let the air out of your tires but i think you know you deserved it.

4) tourists on the metro escalators: the biggest gripe about tourists and the metro is that apparently where ever it is that they originate from doesnt have escalators, or cars, and they are therefore completely ignorant about the etiquette of the passing lane. while i agree that this is annoying, what i hate even more is my rather sizeable ass being the background in the slideshow you plan to present back in minnesota, a place where apparently scrunchies and pleated acid washed denim shorts are the height of fashion. at 8 in the morning, before ive had my coffee, or fully woken up, that last thing i want is to cameo your pictures of the escalator. for those of you who dont live in d.c. you may think that tourists taking pictures of the escalator would be a rare thing, but trust me, it isnt. and no, i dont get it either.

3) while we're on the subject of tourists, let me say this: i think rather than institute a curfew for minors in d.c. - which no one is going to abide by anyway - we should instate a curfew for tourists, and whatever the opposite of a curfew is. by d.c. law you cannot leave your hotel to board the metro earlier than 9:30 a.m., and you are banned from the metro between 5:30 - 7pm, and must be back in your hotel by 10 pm. i think this would solve a lot of problems; for example, i would no longer be tempted to assault someone wearing a fanny pack, traveling with 13 children all wearing matching shirts and holding hands, who walk as if they arent trying to get anywhere in particular, and abruptly stop at the end of an escalator ending up at the bottom of a banana republic and ann taylor dog pile (seriously - why are escalators so confounding?).

2) now that ive mentioned it, let me reiterate how stupid i think the d.c. curfew is, and how incredibly ineffective i think its going to be. d.c. is in a crime "state of emergency" and is currently weighing in at 15 homicides for the month of july. what they arent telling you, is that the homicides are actually down three percent from last year, and have been declining every year for at least the past ten years (there were 397 homicides in d.c. in 1996, 242 homicides in 2000, and 196 in 2005). i dont mean to imply that 15 murders is insignificant but by its own admission, the curfew is partly to discourage kids from participating in violent crimes. if a kid is willing to commit a felony and murder, rob and or sexually assault someone, i dont think a curfew is going to make them think twice. im assuming the purpose of this 10pm - 6am curfew is to give the cops more authority to hassle minors, which i dont agree is the best use of police time. the week ending july 15, there were nearly 1100 adults arrested compared to 83 minors - maybe the minors arent where we should be focusing. i think this all goes back to the murder in georgetown - which again, was particularly gruesome, and horrific - where a minor was involved. and not to be cynical, but considering the overall homicide is down 3 percent (representing, as it happens, three murders) from this time last year, i think ultimately, its about scaring the tourists.

1) and on a completely unrelated note, justin timberlake’s awful new song has somehow seared its self into my brain, and even though its a horrible song, and i know its a horrible song, its catchy. like the clap. or paris hilton's herpes.