van nasty

Sunday, November 12, 2006

syracuse: still cold

so the reason there were no updates last weekend (now that im internet-less during the week and my updates are limited to scamming free internet off my part-time job) is that i was in syracuse, freezing my girl bits off in d.n. and s.b.'s wedding.

i had forgotten how very, very cold upstate new york can be in the winter, but was promptly reminded as i went from the from 60-70 degree d.c. weather to snow in a matter of 45 minutes. thankfully i had booze to keep me warm.

i know a lot of people are going to disagree with me on this, but, in my opinion, being a bridesmaid is the only way to go when you have to go to a wedding. not only do you actually get to spend quality time with the bride and groom (and groomsmen), but, you get pedicures and spa treatments; champagne limo rides; your hair done; cute shoes and earrings; and, when you are wearing your bridesmaid dress, you have a get out of jail free card to be (almost) as obnoxious as you want at the wedding reception. hell, you're not just some guest! you're a bridesmaid damn it. respect the dress, bitches! i imagine the only thing better than being a bridesmaid is being a groomsman. as far as i can tell, their only function in a wedding is to test the physical limits of a 30+ year old liver and to establish exactly how much one can drink without needing their stomach pumped, or getting so drunk they miss the actual wedding.

the wedding rehearsal friday was ... interesting at best. there were two ministers, neither of whom appear to have ever performed a wedding before, a two year old ring bearer whose attention span was actually shorter than the boston terrier who was accompanying the man of honor down the isle. having a man of honor instead of a maid of honor was probably the most normal thing about the damn wedding. following the rehearsal (which lasted about an hour longer than the wedding itself) was a dinner where i decided to taste each of the 8 wines served, twice (for good measure - i would hate to have judged any wine to hastily). the dinner was followed by several more hours of drinking with the groomsmen and punctuated by many requests to "show my boobs." apparently no matter how old they are on the outside, all men are in a state of arrested development that stopped around age 15.

while i only got a whopping three hours of sleep between friday and saturday (8 a.m. hair appointments are gods way of punishing lushes) the bride got even less. unfortunately, she got a bad case of food poisoning (along with two other people) and spent the night in a very compromising position, though not the one preferred by her fiancé, im sure. her make-up artist however was able to do a fantastic job, and im not just saying that because it was me. see for yourself (ignore the "get the eff outta my way" face and focus on the pretty, pretty makeup):

thankfully, the wedding went off without a hitch; the reception was a blast: the food was good, the alcohol flowed freely, and the band played 70's funk music. not to mention there were cupcakes and cookies with shots of milk. what more does a girl need?

i will however say, outdoor wedding photos in syracuse, new york in the snow while wearing strapless dresses maybe isnt the best idea. im just saying, not only were the dresses blue, but so were the girls. it was like a wedding party with 5 smurfs as bridesmaids.

congratulations to the bride and groom who are currently enjoying the beautiful beaches of thailand. dont worry, i have neither burned down your condo nor crashed your car. yet.

p.s. she may be married, but girlfriend still has a great rack.


Blogger Steezy said...

Totally agreed. Being a bridesmaid is the f-ing Often expensive, but worth it in attention and benefits received

11:03 PM  
Blogger ecileh said...

There was a cupcake cutting thing? I missed that. How did I miss that?

2:24 PM  

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van nasty

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Location: van nasty, washington, dc

i have better taste in music than you and more makeup than a drag queen.

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