van nasty

Thursday, May 10, 2007

boys against girls

it seems that a few boys from the past have unionized, and on tuesday executed a coordinated attack of douchery and idiocity (yea, i made up a word. what?). it was unfortunate for many reasons not the least of which was a significant depletion of the available "men on reserve" stockpile. its the mormon in me; we like to stockpile a years supply. and lets face it, when the world ends and we're forced to live off of the canned peaches and homemade pickles, we're gonna also need some recreational activities to keep from going insane.

velveeta has in his head that i am some sort of vagina delivery service that makes house calls 24 hours a day. or more appropriately, who gets him off mentally so his girlfriend can get him off physically. i cannot stress strongly enough how very, very (very very very) wrong this assumption is. velveeta and i havent seen each other since october, and it was perhaps the first completely amicable and mutual faze-out, break-up in history. he started getting serious with someone just as things between dewey decimal and i were getting good which allowed for us both to quietly walk away with no awkward scene or conversation. i can safely say the relationship died a completely pain free and natural death. until tuesday that is, when he fell under the impression it could be revived as some sort of online flirtation/possible booty call. he resurrected it only so it could die a painful, sloppy death guaranteed to generate absolutely no goodwill whatsoever. how do you end something with a guy so submissive that you cant express to him what a selfish assface he is, without him getting aroused? it isnt easy folks. eventually diplomacy failed me entirely and i was forced to put the relationship out of its misery after a long and intense battle of wills (or rather my will v. his persistence). ultimately his passport to van nasty was revoked and his name added to the list of enemy combatants.

you would think that was the end, but due to fat fingers and a small keyboard, it wasnt. i sent my friend a message saying the cheeseman and i had had a fight and officially declared it asshole day. unfortunately, she lives next to him in my phone and i sent the message to him. thats right. i sent him a text message calling him velveeta. i tried to explain it away but, you know what, fuck it, maybe now he'll get the message.

from what i can tell, dewey decimal abstained from joining the union. he's never struck me as a "joiner" though my guess is he just didnt want to pay the dues. although who knows. maybe there is another, future attack planned and they're just trying to keep me on my toes.

that said, things are looking much better lately. my three year old niece has apparently named her in utero brother-to-be "cocky;" "fairytopia" if its a girl (naturally). not to mention diet coke plus was on sale at cvs for $.77 - is it my birthday and i forgot? or van nasty appreciation day? i dont know but its a sad state of affairs when an entire person can be replaced by the thirst quenching refreshment of a zero-calorie, vitamin fortified 20 oz bottle of caramel colored goodness.

p.s. sorry if that whole knocked up thing was a secret sis. but lets face, people are gonna start noticing eventually.

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Blogger art the loser said...

you're genius. and i say that without sarcasm.

10:51 AM  
Blogger van nasty said...

thanks... i think...

1:02 PM  

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van nasty

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Location: van nasty, washington, dc

i have better taste in music than you and more makeup than a drag queen.

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