what you can do to prevent drunk dialing

dear verizon:

in college i had a nasty habit of sending drunken, late-night emails. i know this doesnt seem like your problem, but trust me, im going somewhere with this. the problem with drunken emails is that they perpetuate drunken, hazy, non-sequiturs which never really go away, so much as they go into hiding until you decide to run for public office. thankfully, i dont have a home computer anymore, so drunk emailing is no longer a problem. impulse control, however, still is.

this, dear verizonwireless, is where you come in. i propose you offer a number blocking service. i know from your helpful faq that you dont currently provide this service, which is fine, because what im suggesting is actually a little different. rather than blocking incoming calls, i would like to be able to block outgoing calls to select numbers during peak hours, which in this context would be defined as "happy hour" hours (6-9 p.m.) and "booty call" hours (1:00 a.m. - 4 a.m.). these numbers would include, but not be limited to: ex-boyfriends, ex-friends, current frenemies, crushes, boys-who-string-you-along-by-saying-one-thing-doing-another-and-never-answering-their-phones-when-you-call, and boys-who-dumped-you-for-other-girls-but-who-come-sniffing-around-again-when-their-girlfriends-are-out-of-town.

because i cant always rely on my own judgment (as evidence i submit my ownership of a baby blue sequined mini-skirt and not one but two pairs of birkenstocks), or the successful intervention of my friends, i turn to you verizonwireless.com in my hour of need to provide the kind of clear headed rational thinking i can rarely count on from myself. in the absence of a number block, i would suggest the use of an operator/grief counselor during those hours who is able to provide professional intervention. it would be this person's job to place the call for you after conducting an interview and approving of your reason for calling, because maybe, just maybe, 3:30 on a saturday morning isnt the best time to have a conversation about your relationship, or why he's a buttfaced miscreant for having dumped you.

it goes without saying that a similar ban would be placed on all outgoing text messages sent between the same hours.

thank you for your consideration,

van nasty