the fifty hottest revisited

ive said it before, and i'll say it again: d.c. is hollywood for ugly people. there is nothing shameful about that. its okay to say "im smart and thats sexy." the funniest thing about the hill's top 50 list is that it so clearly displays d.c.'s vulnerable underbelly, proclaiming to the world: "we were losers in high school, and yeah, we belonged to model u.n., and student government, but look at us now!" it's a sad but true fact: no one cared then, just like no one cares now. and apparently to us insecure d.c. wonks, its not enough to be working in politics, drafting legislation and making the decisions that impact the country, and in some cases the world, you have to also have been a cheerleader!

as far as i know, the hill doesnt publish a commensurate a "fifty smartest" or "most influential" list on the hill. you have to shake your head and chuckle (and try not to vomit).

let's start with the highlight, the cop:

every year the hill list includes one u.s. capitol police officer. why? because they need at least one person on the list who fits within the traditionally defined parameters of the word "hot."

the cheerleader: the cheerleader states that its her job is to "preserve and enhance benefits and quality-of-life programs for members of the Navy, Marine Corps and Coast Guard," thats code for "i can suck a golf ball through a hose," right?

speaking of, lets move on to the token asian: the word "suck" is used twice in her bio. why doesnt the hill just come right out and say what they're so obviously thinking: me sucky sucky, me love you long time!

the-entitled-child-of-well-connected-parents: "i know everyone in this town!" wow. why not just wear a shirt that says "i used to be a madison girl; now i belong to late-night-shots. i love smith point, and hate adams morgan (ethiopians scare me!)."

the-twenty-two-year-old-flip-flop-wearing-staffer: gwen stefani and fergie are supposed to be your guilty pleasure; if thats the music you confess to listening to, i fear for your ipod. i bet you listen to c&c music factory and ace of base, dont you?

the-staffer-who-left-her-car-running-in-the-garage-overnight: are you also the reason hairdryers have warning labels instructing you not to use them in the shower?

the cheerleader-gymnast-beauty-pageant-winner: its a good thing you kept your head girl; ruptured tendons heal, but a scar is forever.

honestly, when the writing is this awkward its almost not even worth mocking. its like picking on the boy who wore a cape and monocle to class in high school and sat home on saturday playing dungeons and dragons.

you have to feel bad for the hill writing staff because clearly it doesnt pay well; as best i can figure, they are all forced to free lance writing copy for lava life commercials ("the fit, full lipped aquarius...is just as comfortable in a dive bar drinking beer as he is enjoying a super-expensive bottle of champagne. one of his favorite dates, in fact, was a day of rock climbing, followed by a ballet presentation at the kennedy center and dessert at morton’s.").