dear douchbags

to the guys walking on k and 15th debating where they fall on the "douchbag-o-meter," i can safely say, that merely having that conversation ratchets you up a few notches. you, sir, are no three. i would guess you are at least a seven; given your meticulously groomed stubble, im going to guess its more like an eight or nine.

xoxo
v/n

strangely, our company manual says nothing about keeping porn at the office

which should i be more embarrassed by:

a) i am a woman who keeps porn in her desk at her office, or

b) i am a woman who was thanked by a client with a three dvd porno featuring the person who gifted me with it?

from now on, i plan to thank people by presenting them with videotapes of me having sex.

smurfday

as i sat, hunched in my bathroom (willing myself not to vomit while scrubbing away the several and varied hand-stamps from the night before), i realized this is the fourth day in a row i had woken up hungover. or, in this case, still drunk.

and, it was only saturday, meaning i had spent 3/5 of a normal person's work week hungover (i spent 4/7 of my work week hungover).

things that have contributed to my recent binge drinking:

1) my smurfday (which i remember calling it over and over and over again tuesday at dc 9). that we havent been kicked out of there yet is nothing short of a miracle. the staff there are saints.
2) sparks.
3) my friend liz who i have nicknamed baltimore, because like the city, she is charm personified. ahem. a dainty duo we are not.
4) cupcakes; im not sure how its their fault, but im positive they are a contributing factor.
5) sparks. (in case youre wondering: anything that looks [and is] that unnatural going in, is just as unnatural going out).
6) champs: really, what better way to kick off a night of shots, sparks and cupcakes than with two bottles of champagne?
7) sparks: seriously people, why does such a fun and happy drunk leave you with such a disgustingly nasty hangover. WHY!?!

and finally i would like to take this opportunity to complain about bar hand-stamps; i appreciate that they dont contribute to the debauchery, but, is there any reason they have to be so big and so difficult to get off? why must they be a music venue's version of the scarlet letter? yes, i went out on school night, and yes, if you must know, i drank too much and probably got home somewhere north of 2 a.m.

in the morning when i go to work, i will do everything i can to combat the smoky hair, the bloodshot eyes and the ravenous look of a zombie desperate for brains; why must you and your smudgy, public stamp of shame give me away?

portion control: YOURE DOING IT WRONG!

dear weightwatchers:

tonight for dinner i ate your smart ones chicken and cheese quesadilla; it was delicious. in fact, it was a little too delicious.

based on the picture i did not have high hopes; i assume you employ people whose job it is to make your food look better in the advertisement than it will on my plate. if this is the best those valiant professionals can do, well, let's just say: it leaves a lot to be desired. (if your wondering why i purchased it, allow me to explain in one word: sale).

however, it turns out, i was wrong, and the quesadilla was a handful of crisp, melty, cheesy goodness. so much so that i ate both. however, upon further inspection i realized i wasnt supposed to (okay, i kind of knew that and i was cheating).

i understand that you are the weight loss professionals, but, allow me to share with you something i have learned: fat people arent good at portion control. if we were, we wouldnt be fat. and, since we're fat, assume we're also single. if youre going to sell two servings of quesadilla, maybe you should, i dont know, individually wrap them instead of wrapping them together in one non-resealable pack? just. a. thought.

xoxo

nasty