do you think she was hyperventilating and misunderstood how to breathe into the bag?!?

if anyone could manage to suffocate herself like this, jess could.

she disappears when she turns sideways?

there's a joke here somewhere...

did we learn nothing when she stepped on the needle?

yes, we did: that britney spears is not someone you want to emulate.

what does it say about me that my first thought is to add vodka to this?

has anyone else had coca cola "blak"? am i that behind the times? im a sucker for anything new, and anything coke and i bought it having no idea what it was, except a "carbonated fusion beverage." i was expecting some fruity shit, a la dr. pepper berries and cream; i will tell you what i wasnt expecting: coke and coffee blended together. as previously mentioned (see "model diet") these are possibly my two favorite things. i am stunned that i have never thought of this before! seriously, if asked to choose between good sex and good coffee, i would have to write up a pro/con list. and, it isnt nearly as disgusting as it sounds. i cant explain why, but it tastes vaguely like cream soda, or, a colorado bulldog depending on if youre going virgin or alcoholic. my only suggestion is that they make one cigarette flavored so that i can get all three of my favorite vices in one.

apparently this summer they are releasing godiva blended coffee/coke drinks. its wrong that this excites me, isnt it?

all hail: the king and queen of my van nasty kingdom

lets be honest, american celebrities are pretty boring. sure, nicole richie rocks what may or may not be an ana pride bracelet, but, does she carry her coke around in a faberge egg? and while we have a few celebrities that i suspect probably dont or cant read (anna nicole im looking at you), do we have any who are published authors who go on record as "never having read a book" (and no, fantasia doesnt count. why? because i said so!). so, for our king and queen i had to turn to the brits who undoubtedly knew that the english would eventually rule america again.

THE KING:
those of you who have been reading this blog since the beginning (which for anyone keeping track [hi mom] would be six days ago), have probably begun to supsect that i prefer my men a little on the dirty side (see "kevin federline"). however that alone does not explain my love of pete doherty. i love him for being famous even though no one anywhere has ever actually heard baby shambles or could name one of their songs, though in all fairness, im assuming this is because pete is never out of jail long enough for them to perform. look at him - the simultaneously pale and jaundice skin, the meth mouth, the appearance of having no familiarity whatsoever with soap. this is a man who looks like he just walked out of an opium den, and this is AFTER being released from prison for drug possession for what, by my count, is the 234th time this year.

p.s. god i wish he were related to shannen doherty. only in my wet dreams.



THE QUEEN:
jordan is a role model for talent-less woman everywhere. much like paris hilton, jordan has managed to become famous for doing nothing, however, unlike that lazy paris, she earned hers the hard way armed with nothing but a willingness to exploit her blind child and become a human weeble.