the gospel of sin

dear man-on-the-street,

i apologize for not learning you name! normally, i dont accept pamphlets from strangers on the street, but you seemed so adamant and so concerned. secretly, i hoped you were going to tell me it was free scoop day at ben and jerrys, but, that wasnt the case. no, sweet, quiet man in the dockers and the blue button down, you wanted to share with me that im going to hell.

i appreciate that unlike the guys in northeast who dress like militants, you didnt stand with a microphone and proclaim me to be the "white devil" because frankly, that always makes waiting for the bus a little uncomfortable for me, but i cant say that your message was any more reassuring. according to you, not only am i going to burn in hell, but there's not a damn thing i can do about it. thankfully i can take comfort in knowing that "most people who have ever lived will be there." you dont happen to know if meredith pruitt will be there do you? because i totally lent her my lite-brite when we eight and she never returned it. even when i called her and talked to her mom!!! if thats not a hell worthy offense, than frankly i dont know what is.

although, according to your happy ministry, simply being born is crime enough. your pamphlet says, in no uncertain terms, that there is nothing i can do to seek salvation, and that god has already chosen those select few he is going to save. in fact, even seeking salvation is a sin, and being baptized or attending church is only going to incur god's wrath.

i must say, i find you far more convincing than those jews for jesus people who approached me the other day. other than making very clear, that yes!, i will be burning in hell! (which is honestly something i came to terms with years ago), your religion makes no obvious demands of me. i dont need to be baptized, which is great because i have a fear of wearing white garments in a pool of water in front of everyone i known. and, i dont have to go to church, which is awesome because the one time i was forced to go as a child and i found out that church was the equivalent of three episodes of sesame street, i lost my enthusiasm. and, i dont even have to do good deeds. nope. why bother? in the event that i am being saved, god has already chosen, and since god is omniscience, i can assume that he both knew i would be a sinner, and that he was cool with that! but as you pointed out, im most likely going to hell along with the rest of the world so i'll just consider all my sins as frequent flier miles towards an all inclusive trip to hades!

xoxo

van nasty