how to cheat on your girlfriend

dear velveeta:

it was good to hear from you. im glad that youre doing well and have finally moved in to your own place. you mentioned having a girlfriend, and while i hope that things are going well between you, it doesnt sound like they are. you seem to be a little confused about how relationships work; allow me to explain: all social interactions are dictated by rules of etiquette. some actions and relationships, however, are intended to remain private, meaning your mother probably never taught you the proper place to hide the panties you stole from one night stands, or that emily post has never issued a ruling on how to properly broach the topic of initiating a physical relationship with an ex while in the middle of an emotional relationship with someone else.

so, allow van nasty to spell it out for you: only one of us is in a relationship. as that person, the responsibility is on you to make sure that your girlfriend doesnt find out that you have been propositioning me. i do not have the power to erase your text messages or emails; assuming you dont want to get caught, you alone can keep your house in order.

frankly, you are not worth inviting that type of drama, not to mention horrible karma, into my life. since i have no desire to come back in my next life as a dung beetle, i suggest you not contact me again. on the off chance i do want to see you, i can wait till youre single, which, based on the fact that youre emailing me, and your girlfriend knows it (and snoops through your emails), is probably a matter of weeks if not days.

xoxo
v/n