what's making me feel old today

happy birthday traci lords. i dont know how its possible, but, apparently you turned forty today. which means i was about seven when the whole lolita porn-star scandal broke, which, is hard to believe considering how vividly i remember it.

mother's day fun

the set up: an email trail between my sister and her friends about making mothers day plans. really, this email trail speaks for it's self.

my gay-husband calls me a delicate flower in reference to my inability to behave in a lady-like way; seriously people, im not even involved in this email chain, but i think it speaks volumns about my childhood. all i'll have to do is print it out and bring it to my (fictional) therapist and she will be like, "um, why are you wasting money on me, when clearly we know the root of all your many, many, MANY problems right here?"

friend #1: OK, I'm already 4 emails behind on this, so in order ....
1) YES. Sounds like great fun!
2) YES. The change to Saturday is even better for less crowded conditions.
3) I don't plan a hangover, but if it should happen, will you come take care of me?
4) WATCH OUT WINOS, HERE WE COME!

friend #2: Goody! It's a date. I guess it's safe to tell you guys now that m.j., her sister nasty, and their mom will be there as well. (mom-in-law, I know how you feel about m.j. but you can't back out now)

friend #2's mother-in-law: I get to meet m.j’s Mom? Oh this is going to be WAY more fun than I thought.

friend #2: okay, but she's a paraplegic mongoloid so please - DO NOT make fun of her!


sister (a.k.a. m.j.): Just because she's only a torso, doesn't make her a mongoloid. Youre just jealous because she gets to ride in a wagon pulled by dogs.

friend #2: Well, you're right - being just a torso does NOT make her a mongoloid...it's her GIGANTIC head that makes her a mongoloid. And yes, I am jealous because I have to walk around in these 3 inch heels all day and she gets to sit and ride AND she probably has a handicapped sticker in her car so she doesn't have to ROLL far. Puulease! Try walking more than 30 paces in my sandals - when she starts crawling, then we'll talk.

sister: She can't even crawl dumb ass- she's a torso!!!! she has to roll, or flop around like a fish.

friend #2's m-i-l: OMG this is going to be more fun than I thought. What does she do better, flop or roll? I wouldn’t want to embarrass her.

friend #2 (to her mom-in-law): well, at least you'll know that someone there will be eye-level with you!

m.j. (to friend #2's mom-in-law): I dont' know, when she really concentrates on standing on her left butt cheek- she may be taller.....

friend #2's m-i-l: Hey, hey, hey……be nice! Back to your Mom, so if standing on her left butt cheek makes her taller than she also has a weight problem? And can we ask her to try and stand on her left butt cheek after a couple drinks?

m.j.: Hell yeah!!!! What's the fun in having a torso for a Mom if she won't do tricks. It's kind of like having your own pet seal.... but I warn you- don't ask for the right cheek..... just trust me on this.

my mom: WELL, I hope your not disappointed when I tell you that the DR. told me to stay off my left butt cheek. AND, I have learned to do the soldier crawl!!!!!

"sightings" (that i myself didnt actually see)

kate moss at the black cat, friday may 2nd to see her maybe-finance jamie hince from the kills. i was at the show, but didnt see cokate myself. my friends, however, did.

doors for dummies

dear guest:

do not be confused by my magically see-thru door; it is made of a futuristic material known as "glass," but holds no magical powers, nor was it forged by wizards.

as you will learn, attempts to enter through the front door are successful only when accompanied by pulling the door open; merely ringing the doorbell will not cause the door to open. again, allow me to reinforce that my door works exactly like yours: it has no supernatural powers and opens only when force is exerted upon it. unless, of course, you have profound telekinetic powers, in which case you are free to skip manual attempts to open the door and go directly to dematerializing and passing through the door into the lobby, where you may sign my guest book.

i appreciate your time and attention to this matter,

xoxo
v/n

i never watched the show, so i have no witty titular reference (expect for slipping the word "titular" into a posting about anna nicole smith)

a chinese-food-delivery-man just told me i look like the actress, nico, who died of an o.d. i spent several confused minutes thinking he thought i looked like the depressing, scary german chick from the velvet underground, before it dawned on me that he meant anna nicole smith.

i hope he means this anna nicole:

and not, y'know, this one:

ugh. whatever. this shit ALWAYS happens when i wear my trimspa necklace.