when heathens travel

last friday i flew to birmingham for my first trip to the 'bam and the 'ham. i spent the entire two hour flight convinced i was going to die. as ive gotten older, ive become less and less comfortable flying; not only is it unnatural to be suspended 35,000 feet above ground, but, it seems unnecessary to have to sit so close to a complete stranger that i can smell what she ate for lunch. thankfully, i did not die. however my aisle-mate was kind enough to point out that in her experience the pilots who fly the route "arent very good. and these small planes make you feel everything. and they arent good in weather [of which, we were in the middle of having]."

big red picked me up in the 'ham for my first ever in airport, waiting by the gate pick-up. it was all very exciting. the only thing that would have made it better was if dave grohl were picking me up, but, big red is a close second.

between my trip to austin and my trip to alabama, ive eaten more bbq than i thought i would consume in my entire life. apparently there is a huge southern rivalry about what qualifies as bbq. according to a friend from memphis, what they serve in austin is "grilled beef" and sure its good, but it aint bbq. after having experienced the heaven that is dreamland bbq, im inclined to agree.

our bellies full to the point of sickness, big red and i continued to the griffin house show at workplay. not only was the show great, but griffin house is quite a muffin.


after our trip to dreamland, i never thought i would need to eat again. thankfully i was wrong, and we had the best breakfast imaginable though i resisted trying the "yeasty" buckwheat pancakes (im not sure how, sounds so appetizing, doesnt it)?





i was in bama for an engagement party in gurley about an hour and half from the 'ham and the real fun was the drive up. its hard to say what was more fun: 1) figuring out that my cell phone will read me my text messages and the subsequent sending of perverted messages to my cell phone for our enjoyment ("i wa-nt to kees your sweeeet creamy teets"), or 2) the ave maria grotto. the grotto has given my life meaning; it is literally a monument - a shrine - to crap. the grotto calls itself "jerusalem in miniature" and is four acres of miniature reproductions of religious sites. nothing prepared me for the joy that the grotto has brought into my life.



i still havent found the words to talk about the grotto so instead im going to let these pictures speak for themselves. without them, you may think i was too harsh.

if there is a god, i think the fact that big red and i werent struck down after taking this picture, proves he has a sense of humor. though had we managed to get the birth control pills into baby jesus' manger, im sure all bets would have been off.

the actual engagement party was also mind blowing. we arrived at the house where we five men were hired to direct parking, and where golf carts drove you to the door. while we were in the limo driving to the party one of the party guests asked what was manufactured in gurley; i resisted my natural urge to say "blonds." though i did chortle when my friend said she was taking bible study.

the party was literally awesome. i guess if you grow up in a house that looks like southfork ranch, you wouldnt think much of this place, but it looked more like versailles than versailles does. and, out of 250 people, there were only two brunettes, and *gasp* we were also both democrats.

unfortunately, i had to leave early on sunday to get back to dc for work. whereas on the flight to birmingham i was afraid i was going to die, on my way back from huntsville i decided crash landing would actually be preferable to listening to the men seated behind me continue to debate abortion and praise dubya bush as the smartest man alive.

overheard at the engagement party:

"my favorite evangelist is from your town!"

forty and fabulous question mark

ive never before worried that i might not get married, because honestly, its never been on my to-do list. i cant remember as i child daydreaming about my wedding or naming my children... okay, its possible that i named my children. my daughters were going to be named diamond and cybill-shepherd - what can i say, i really liked moonlighting - and i assume they would have grown up to own a lot of clear-heeled platform shoes, if you get my drift. my sons were hunter and forest - yes, this is pre-forest gump, and no i didnt see the irony in those two names.

even now, i have no intention of ever getting married, though i do occasionally fantasize about the kick ass party i would throw myself, and all the gifts i would register for; you can register at sephora, right?!?

ive also never thought i was particularly age conscience. however, after being being talked into selling my eggs to afford wrinkle cream and moisturize that must be made from the babies of endangered animals, i realize, ive been lying to myself. while i dont think im lying to myself about my lack of interest in getting married, no one gets excited about the prospect of becoming the family old maid. i was informed today that a) my 19 year old cousin is getting married, and that b) in the new "aunt sara."

aunt sara is the only person in the history of (mormon) history to never marry, and currently sits on the throne as "oldest unmarried woman in my family." aunt sara comes from hardy stock and has a liver thats never been used, so my guess is she still has a few good years left in her, but, at 97, its unlikely she'll get married at this stage of life, and its doubtful that she'll live forever. apparently, when i wasnt looking, my family took a vote and elected me as the next aunt sara. or more accurately, as the next oldest, unmarried woman, i have simply evolved into her maid in waiting.

i have yet to come to a decision about children and whether i want them; while i very much enjoy the practice, im happy to maintain my amateur status and am not sure i actually want to go "pro." im sure this will catch up to me in 2 years and 3 months when i turn 30, a night i imagine will be a "tour de force of recrimination and self-loathing, highlighted by fanciful stilt-walkers and (belly)dancers wearing hand-sewn headdresses."

i have to keep reminding myself that my family is mormon, and that getting married at 18 is what they do; and that while they spend their money on braces and go to pta meetings, i will be buying expensive shoes and makeup i dont need, and traveling to austin for sxsw and new orleans for jazz fest.

my main concern is my old age. hopefully by then i'll be wealthy enough to afford to pay some hot young thing to change my diapers and wipe my incontinent ass; if not, my niece better start saving and be prepared to take care of the new "aunt sara."