forty and fabulous question mark

ive never before worried that i might not get married, because honestly, its never been on my to-do list. i cant remember as i child daydreaming about my wedding or naming my children... okay, its possible that i named my children. my daughters were going to be named diamond and cybill-shepherd - what can i say, i really liked moonlighting - and i assume they would have grown up to own a lot of clear-heeled platform shoes, if you get my drift. my sons were hunter and forest - yes, this is pre-forest gump, and no i didnt see the irony in those two names.

even now, i have no intention of ever getting married, though i do occasionally fantasize about the kick ass party i would throw myself, and all the gifts i would register for; you can register at sephora, right?!?

ive also never thought i was particularly age conscience. however, after being being talked into selling my eggs to afford wrinkle cream and moisturize that must be made from the babies of endangered animals, i realize, ive been lying to myself. while i dont think im lying to myself about my lack of interest in getting married, no one gets excited about the prospect of becoming the family old maid. i was informed today that a) my 19 year old cousin is getting married, and that b) in the new "aunt sara."

aunt sara is the only person in the history of (mormon) history to never marry, and currently sits on the throne as "oldest unmarried woman in my family." aunt sara comes from hardy stock and has a liver thats never been used, so my guess is she still has a few good years left in her, but, at 97, its unlikely she'll get married at this stage of life, and its doubtful that she'll live forever. apparently, when i wasnt looking, my family took a vote and elected me as the next aunt sara. or more accurately, as the next oldest, unmarried woman, i have simply evolved into her maid in waiting.

i have yet to come to a decision about children and whether i want them; while i very much enjoy the practice, im happy to maintain my amateur status and am not sure i actually want to go "pro." im sure this will catch up to me in 2 years and 3 months when i turn 30, a night i imagine will be a "tour de force of recrimination and self-loathing, highlighted by fanciful stilt-walkers and (belly)dancers wearing hand-sewn headdresses."

i have to keep reminding myself that my family is mormon, and that getting married at 18 is what they do; and that while they spend their money on braces and go to pta meetings, i will be buying expensive shoes and makeup i dont need, and traveling to austin for sxsw and new orleans for jazz fest.

my main concern is my old age. hopefully by then i'll be wealthy enough to afford to pay some hot young thing to change my diapers and wipe my incontinent ass; if not, my niece better start saving and be prepared to take care of the new "aunt sara."