van nasty

Monday, December 22, 2008

winter wonderland

yes, mr. bigglesworth, it is freaking freezing outside. i know that because, like you, i had to walk outside to get into the office today. we therefore need not discuss (over and over again) that yes, it is cold outside. it is winter in d.c.; cold weather is neither unexpected nor a mystery. and on that note, when you only wear leggings with a short jacket and say things like, "i wish i wore warmer clothes" you open yourself up to my response of, "you mean like PANTS?" you are running around outside wearing what amounts to longjohns but thinner. and, if i can see not only your pantyline but the print on your thong, you might want to rethink what you consider "professional" and "office approrpiate" wear.


Sunday, August 31, 2008

i had no idea i lived in the hotel california

you can check out from the sundeck any time you want, but you can never leave (under any circumstances).


seriously, youre real name is "win"?

to the incredibly long-winded and pretentious douchbag who just wasted 10 minutes of my time: is me telling you how many cars would fit in 500 sq ft, really helpful? are you looking for an apartment or taking the logic portion of the SAT? and, how specific would you like me to be? are the cars vertical or horizontal? are they vw bugs, or cadillacs?

and really, youre surprised our leasing office is closed at 6pm on the sunday of a holiday weekend? or that we wont extend our hours for you because you work? everyone works; some of us everyday.

p.s. you didnt need to make special mention of the fact that your going back to "the city;" it was a given that you were from nyc.

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Sunday, August 17, 2008

interesting that youre concerned about MY communication skills

Dear Haley,
Here is your horoscope for Sunday, August 17:

"Your communication style isn't serving you all that well today, so just try to keep it shirt and simple -- people will thank you later! Misunderstandings are too common and too hazardous right now. "

but youre right: keeping my shirt on will prevent hazardous misunderstandings, and people do usually thank me for it...


Saturday, August 16, 2008

i had to look up the word "shomit" for this post.

anyone will be your friend when its 2 a.m. on a friday and youre buying shots at the bar; it takes a-whole-nother type of person to pack you in her car and drive you 30 minutes out of her way while your head is in a bag, and your threatening to shomit in her car.* not to mention the friends who rode shotgun, just because listening to someone dry heave is such a fun experience. thanks ladies, and thanks baltimore (whose response to my threats of vomiting was "eh. my car has seen worse.")

* let the record show this was not actually a drinking related illness, but rather some sort of mutant flesh-eating-stomach-virus-dehydration-bacteria brought on by bellydancing.


Friday, June 27, 2008

dear douchbags

to the guys walking on k and 15th debating where they fall on the "douchbag-o-meter," i can safely say, that merely having that conversation ratchets you up a few notches. you, sir, are no three. i would guess you are at least a seven; given your meticulously groomed stubble, im going to guess its more like an eight or nine.



Monday, June 16, 2008

strangely, our company manual says nothing about keeping porn at the office

which should i be more embarrassed by:

a) i am a woman who keeps porn in her desk at her office, or

b) i am a woman who was thanked by a client with a three dvd porno featuring the person who gifted me with it?

from now on, i plan to thank people by presenting them with videotapes of me having sex.


Sunday, June 15, 2008


as i sat, hunched in my bathroom (willing myself not to vomit while scrubbing away the several and varied hand-stamps from the night before), i realized this is the fourth day in a row i had woken up hungover. or, in this case, still drunk.

and, it was only saturday, meaning i had spent 3/5 of a normal person's work week hungover (i spent 4/7 of my work week hungover).

things that have contributed to my recent binge drinking:

1) my smurfday (which i remember calling it over and over and over again tuesday at dc 9). that we havent been kicked out of there yet is nothing short of a miracle. the staff there are saints.
2) sparks.
3) my friend liz who i have nicknamed baltimore, because like the city, she is charm personified. ahem. a dainty duo we are not.
4) cupcakes; im not sure how its their fault, but im positive they are a contributing factor.
5) sparks. (in case youre wondering: anything that looks [and is] that unnatural going in, is just as unnatural going out).
6) champs: really, what better way to kick off a night of shots, sparks and cupcakes than with two bottles of champagne?
7) sparks: seriously people, why does such a fun and happy drunk leave you with such a disgustingly nasty hangover. WHY!?!

and finally i would like to take this opportunity to complain about bar hand-stamps; i appreciate that they dont contribute to the debauchery, but, is there any reason they have to be so big and so difficult to get off? why must they be a music venue's version of the scarlet letter? yes, i went out on school night, and yes, if you must know, i drank too much and probably got home somewhere north of 2 a.m.

in the morning when i go to work, i will do everything i can to combat the smoky hair, the bloodshot eyes and the ravenous look of a zombie desperate for brains; why must you and your smudgy, public stamp of shame give me away?


portion control: YOURE DOING IT WRONG!

dear weightwatchers:

tonight for dinner i ate your smart ones chicken and cheese quesadilla; it was delicious. in fact, it was a little too delicious.

based on the picture i did not have high hopes; i assume you employ people whose job it is to make your food look better in the advertisement than it will on my plate. if this is the best those valiant professionals can do, well, let's just say: it leaves a lot to be desired. (if your wondering why i purchased it, allow me to explain in one word: sale).
however, it turns out, i was wrong, and the quesadilla was a handful of crisp, melty, cheesy goodness. so much so that i ate both. however, upon further inspection i realized i wasnt supposed to (okay, i kind of knew that and i was cheating).
i understand that you are the weight loss professionals, but, allow me to share with you something i have learned: fat people arent good at portion control. if we were, we wouldnt be fat. and, since we're fat, assume we're also single. if youre going to sell two servings of quesadilla, maybe you should, i dont know, individually wrap them instead of wrapping them together in one non-resealable pack? just. a. thought.


van nasty

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Location: van nasty, washington, dc

i have better taste in music than you and more makeup than a drag queen.

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