bear + trampoline = awesome

i know this is old, but it still makes me laugh. and then feel bad. and then watch it again, and laugh some more, and the circle of shame continues.

a rare, non-bitter countdown

5) summer in d.c.: despite the tourists, the interns, and the return of suits worn with flip-flops, i still love summer in d.c. i love movie on the mall mondays and fort reno thursdays. tonight is fort reno's annual night of a 1000 cakes; i have no idea what the holy hell that means, but it sounds very promising. for those not in d.c., fort reno is an annual summer event featuring local d.c. bands performing for free outdoors at, you guessed it!, fort reno. i'll admit im not as excited as i have been in years past when ive seen ted leo, dismemberment plan or ian mackaye, but, its hard to beat free music, good friends, 1000 cakes, and the possibility that the fort reno lady is going to wig out again on the microphone.

4) half-day friday: friday's in august my office closes at 12pm, and since i dont ever get in until the crack of 10:30, its not even technically a half-day, its more like making a cameo at the val party on my way to lunch and shopping in georgetown.

3) summer vacation: not only am i going to portland for a friends wedding and on to seattle to visit one of my besties, but, two of my college girls, and best friends in the world, are coming to town in august. a.m. will be here for work for a month with her husband before moving to iraq for a year, and big red will be here for a few days en route to a wedding. side note - last night i was telling a friend about one of my favorite big red moments. it the first week of my junior year in college and my mom had come to new orleans with me to help me get settled and unpacked; my roommates have already set up the answering machine which is furiously blinking to let me know we have a message which plays out roughly like this "this message is for van nasty. im calling from custom made dildos in regards to your recent online purchase. unfortunately, we dont offer the black stallion vibrator in as large a size as youre requesting. we could make it, but, we'd have to use a horse as the mold and its gonna cost extra." i am frozen in time and space horrified that my mom has heard this message, and unsure how she's going to respond. not missing a beat, my mom looks up at me and says "big red?" to which i answer, "yep, big red" and thats all that was ever said about the about the horse cock voicemail.

2) boys: despite my love of all things crude, inappropriate and graphic, i am at heart a girls girl. i do not drink beer, or watch sports. i love make-up, shopping and all things pink. i am not someone who tends to have straight, male friends and those that i do, are usually my friends boyfriends or husbands. however, lately ive been hanging out with a few boys who never fail to surprise me. last night boozing with my friend and his roommate, i teased him that my girlfriend who's in nola for work is going to come through where he failed me, and bring me some pralines (which are in my opinion god's most perfect food), and his response was "what the feck are you talking about? i had a box shipped to my house for you for your birthday, i just keep forgetting to give them to you." admittedly, i have low expectations, but, i find this charming, and completely endearing.

1) smart bargains: online shopping is my reason for being. last june i was accepted into the peace corps, and because i'd been planning to move to africa, i never bothered to invest in big girl things like dishes, plates, towels, sheets or a tv (the one i have was the same 10" t.v. i got when i turned 13). i made do with what i had, but now that africa doesnt look like its going to happen, ive been feeling the need to nest. it all started when my coffee maker died and i had to get a new one - rather than buy a p.o.s. at target for $15 i decided to splurge on a good coffee maker and look at it as an investment. this snowballed into an online shopping spree on macys of unprecedented proportions (awesome sales due to their liquidation of hechts merchandise). even though the prices are good, i decided to do some comparison shopping which led me to smart bargains, where i bought the same cuisinart grind and brew coffee maker for $70 less than macys; all in all, i bought new towels, sheets, calphalon pots and pans (because apparently ingesting teflon isnt good for you), a non-down comforter and non-feather, feather bed (the ones i have now are down and shed so much that its like living with a family of molting ducks), and of course, the coffee maker. and the first three seasons of absolutely fabulous on dvd just because. not only was all of this cheap, but the shipping was free (for all 70 lbs of it), and should be here tomorrow even though i just ordered it on tuesday!

he's cute too, if that helps

i am not what anyone would call a sporty gal, however, i have friends who are, or in this case, friends whose brothers are. a.h.'s baby bro plays lacrosse for the baltimore bayhawks (yeah i didnt know they had a national league either), so go take your hot asses over here and vote for greg for rookie of the year. although if one or two of you want to throw a vote john keysor's way, that would be okay too. im afraid he may be a friendless, orphan with no family, and only his lacrosse stick (that's what its called right?) to keep him warm at night.

this is my new diet

in other news, the sky is blue and grass is green!

lance bass is gay. i know i for one am shocked.

today's bitch session brought to you by old people and tourists

5) grocery store self-scanning checkouts: this is a privilege people, not a right. if you're older than methuselah and confounded by the moving stairways we call escalators, then perhaps the self scanning checkout isnt for you. if it takes you eight minutes (i counted) to check out two items, and you had to call the manager three times, then this definitely isnt for you. also, to the woman who paid entirely in pennies, i salute your moxie. however, you picked the completely wrong time to display it; sorry i had to let the air out of your tires but i think you know you deserved it.

4) tourists on the metro escalators: the biggest gripe about tourists and the metro is that apparently where ever it is that they originate from doesnt have escalators, or cars, and they are therefore completely ignorant about the etiquette of the passing lane. while i agree that this is annoying, what i hate even more is my rather sizeable ass being the background in the slideshow you plan to present back in minnesota, a place where apparently scrunchies and pleated acid washed denim shorts are the height of fashion. at 8 in the morning, before ive had my coffee, or fully woken up, that last thing i want is to cameo your pictures of the escalator. for those of you who dont live in d.c. you may think that tourists taking pictures of the escalator would be a rare thing, but trust me, it isnt. and no, i dont get it either.

3) while we're on the subject of tourists, let me say this: i think rather than institute a curfew for minors in d.c. - which no one is going to abide by anyway - we should instate a curfew for tourists, and whatever the opposite of a curfew is. by d.c. law you cannot leave your hotel to board the metro earlier than 9:30 a.m., and you are banned from the metro between 5:30 - 7pm, and must be back in your hotel by 10 pm. i think this would solve a lot of problems; for example, i would no longer be tempted to assault someone wearing a fanny pack, traveling with 13 children all wearing matching shirts and holding hands, who walk as if they arent trying to get anywhere in particular, and abruptly stop at the end of an escalator ending up at the bottom of a banana republic and ann taylor dog pile (seriously - why are escalators so confounding?).

2) now that ive mentioned it, let me reiterate how stupid i think the d.c. curfew is, and how incredibly ineffective i think its going to be. d.c. is in a crime "state of emergency" and is currently weighing in at 15 homicides for the month of july. what they arent telling you, is that the homicides are actually down three percent from last year, and have been declining every year for at least the past ten years (there were 397 homicides in d.c. in 1996, 242 homicides in 2000, and 196 in 2005). i dont mean to imply that 15 murders is insignificant but by its own admission, the curfew is partly to discourage kids from participating in violent crimes. if a kid is willing to commit a felony and murder, rob and or sexually assault someone, i dont think a curfew is going to make them think twice. im assuming the purpose of this 10pm - 6am curfew is to give the cops more authority to hassle minors, which i dont agree is the best use of police time. the week ending july 15, there were nearly 1100 adults arrested compared to 83 minors - maybe the minors arent where we should be focusing. i think this all goes back to the murder in georgetown - which again, was particularly gruesome, and horrific - where a minor was involved. and not to be cynical, but considering the overall homicide is down 3 percent (representing, as it happens, three murders) from this time last year, i think ultimately, its about scaring the tourists.

1) and on a completely unrelated note, justin timberlake’s awful new song has somehow seared its self into my brain, and even though its a horrible song, and i know its a horrible song, its catchy. like the clap. or paris hilton's herpes.

behold: the annual annals of douchery

so, i went downstairs to the market in my building to grab some fuel (read: skittles) to get me through the rest of this day, and the woman behind the counter asked me if i am going on vacation this summer, and i told her yes, i am going to a wedding. she seemed particularly taken aback by this, and i realized she misunderstood and thought i was getting married, and while i agree im not the marrying type, i thought it was a little rude of her to act THAT surprised.

however, nothing, can ruin my good mood because today the hill released their "50 most beautiful people on capitol hill" list which year after year proves that a) beautiful is as misunderstood a word as hot is, b) the chicks in d.c. are waaaaay more attractive than the men, and c) that much like playboy, they dont expect you to read the articles.

my personal favorites include this blurry and out of focus gem:

which ranks only one spot higher than him:

why on god's green earth anyone would pose like that is beyond me.

now, i was going to leave the women out of this, except to say that this is exactly what i would assume a republican staffer, possible madison woman, and future stepford wife would look like:

(something in her eyes scares the bejeezus out of me, and reminds me of mary cherry at the same time).

but then i read about beth, who loves her bible study group almost as much as she loves the president, and while the made me throw up a little in my mouth, it was this paragraph that utterly confounded me:

"Being young and active doesn't always go well with being a Hill staffer. Being stuck in a chair behind a desk all day can take its toll. That's why Beth, 22-year-old staff assistant, doesn't even have a chair at her desk. Instead, she has a bright-blue inflatable exercise ball. She says it's a good way to build up your abs and other muscles in your torso and it saves space, since the ball can just roll under your desk when you're not using it."

what in the hell? she doesnt have a chair? are you kidding me with this shit? admittedly, she has a hot body (im assuming she doesnt pear up below the waist), but good god woman. you dont need to declare your love of working out at gold's gym (do you have some bizarro endorsement deal?) and mention that you use an exercise ball instead of a chair. if i walked in to a congressman's office and saw a staffer sitting on a bright blue inflatable ball, im not sure what i would do. after i kicked it out from under her, that is.

not to mention i find it a little hard to believe she's 22. and no one wears dorthy hamill hair anymore.

other bons mots:

Edward

"The 24-year-old was born in California but raised in Wilmington, Del. He has worked in the office since February as a staff assistant and frequents Old Glory Bar-B-Que in Georgetown on the weekends. His favorite place to visit post-party is Jumbo Slice pizza in Adams Morgan before heading home to Arlington, Va., where he lives in a house full of guys."

wow. how unique. thats not at all like every other douche bag in d.c. does he also wear khakis and polo shirts?

Jayne

"Maine residents might not be happy about one fact concerning this homegrown beauty. She doesn't eat lobster. In fact, she eats barely any seafood. "Sometimes sushi," McCullough says. She prefers Mexican, presumably the kinds of dishes with beans, beef or chicken."

what? what the shit kind of writing is this?!? i want to believe that the author of this text is in on the joke and realizes how asinine this assignment is, but i dont think thats the case, just my own wishful thinking.

House Majority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio)

"Sartorial beauty is one trait Boehner embodies unabashedly, sporting tailored suits in earth and metallic tones that remain pristine even during early-morning votes."

someone used her thesaurus today. that is the ugliest sentence ever written.

Oswaldo:

"The 24-year-old Sigma Chi brother is single and lives in Georgetown with two other dudes, one of whom, Austen Jensen, also made the list."

24, presumably out of college for 2-3 years, and still listing his fraternity in his bio. you sir are an asshat.

and can the hill not find writers capable of describing 20 something males as anything other than "dudes"?

if it seems im only making fun of the republicans, im not. the hill was biased this year.

i love rich, crazy people

to be a rock star, you have to have a rock star name. but coming up with a rock star name can be difficult. often times it requires being named by someone else; someone famous (i.e. busta rhymes, fats domino). why go through that kind of trouble when you can pay the general public $25,000 to come up with a name for you? thats right, bitches, this dude is going to pay you $25K to come up with a better name than aaron schwarz. and, its pretty clear that im destined to win, and i quote:

"Below is a little more about me. Maybe you'll get some name ideas based on the facts of my life (or maybe you'll get some ideas by watching Tootie from the Facts of Life)."

this allusion will only make sense to about two people, but, for some reason some friends started calling me tootie for awhile, and though thankfully it didnt stick, it does re-emerge once in a while. i think this was a message from his lips to my ears. unfortunately, im not so great at this game, which is the reason im neither a rock star nor an author - aside from an obvious lack of talent that is. i have a few good band names (rebellious jezebels [taken off a protesters sign at the march for womens lives], and defeated by burrito), but im all tapped out on this one. and if any of you can do better, i expect you to split the winnings.

for the record, gene (as a virtual panty-thrower, i hate to disagree), the greatest rock name is sid vicious, not fats domino.

feel better about yourself saturday

i think its only a matter of time before tara reid morphs completely into brigitte nielson, except tara reid couldnt find a 26 year old boyfriend now let alone when she's 44.

for the racist on the go?

things i dont understand

5. orlando bloom. why? i do not understand the appeal that is orlando bloom. why would i want a man who is more feminine than i am, probably wears more makeup, and has embraced the greasy, weasely pirate look both on and off the screen?

4. girls who wear short shorts, tank tops, and scarves. seriously, scarves in the multiple. i see them all over d.c. its hot bitches! its like 92 degrees. if you are hot enough to wear shorts you have to nair to wear, you do not need a scarf. i promise.

please note that our models scarf is actually longer than her shorts. hopefully, i do not need to explain why this is wrong.

3. while we're on the topic of inappropriate clothing choices, let me share my disdain for skirts that double as belts. i'll admit that this is probably tinged with a bit of jealousy, but seriously, the super short skirts with the ruffles are old navy circa 2003. let it go. when youre ahead of me on the metro and you decide to walk up the very long and steep escalator, i do not need a view that lets me know how good a waxer you have.

2.

1. rachel ray. how is it possible that this woman has 82,000 t.v. shows and absolutely no talent. ive never wanted to punch someone in the vagina more than i do rachel ray. not to mention, she looks like the joker. i keep expecting her to ask me if ive "danced with the devil in the pale moon light."

"Is it slang for 'awkward silence?' "

when the daily show did a segment on a restaurant called the pink taco, i didnt want to believe such a place actually existed. but, it does. and is it any shock that this is the guy that owns it?

or that he apparently is dating lindsay lohan?

or that he sounds like this during an interview?

Daily Show 6.27.2006 Clip


he has a point though - i mean if the pink taco was a vagina themed restaurant, this would be the image on the menu:

the young and the botoxed

thats unfortunate that the new superman couldnt make it to the press conference in mexico; thank goodness they'd thought ahead and had that wax statue made.

wait, you mean that really is him? hmmmm. i can see why he's an actor. he's just so expressive.

i have no idea what is being said in this last picture, but i want to believe it went something like this:

journalist: "brandon: what do you think are the legal and constitutional ramifications of recently defeated presidential candidate lópez obrador's claim that he will challenge the election results in the supreme court despite the fact that only the special elections court has jurisdiction over elections in mexico?"

brandon:

do you think the desire to wear bodysuits is contagious?

when i first saw these pictures i thought it was shannon doherty. i mean, she hasnt perfected the i'll-cut-a-bitch-while-wearing-the-tie-that-brandon-wore-during-the-student-council-election-and-one-of-my-dads-suit-vests-look, but she does have the wonky, asymmetrical eye thing down. and she's workin' the brenda bangs. not bad for a woman 15 years brenda's senior. good work, bebe, or lilith as you will always be known to me.

for reference, here's a photo of shannon. i know that in this picture they dont particularly look alike (i really feel as though lilith was trying for brenda the early years when men's wear and pleated acid washed jeans that went above your belly button were the height of fashion not brenda the later years, or brenda as prue), but i love how the woman in this picture is trying desperately to free herself from shannon's grip.

for the ladies and gay men: would you hit it?

my first inclination when i saw this picture was to throw up a little in my mouth, but then the more i saw, the more i realized maybe my initial reaction had been a little harsh. i know i should be ashamed by this, but i feel like if you threw a paper bag over his head and took off his spanky pants and urban cowboy attire, he'd be do-able.

p.s. the number 1 most popular google search for van nasty is spanky pants. given that there is a clear demand for the spanky plants, i will work it into as many posts as i possibly can.

another reason to hover

when a.m. moved back to d.c. she lived in rosslyn, just blocks from where i work. about once a week we would meet at "our place," a.k.a. starbucks, and walk across the bridge to mie n yu, where the setting is lush, the drinks divine and the music ethereal. but, that wasnt the real appeal - at least not for me. i loved it because it was the one place i consistently had to fight the guys off with a stick. does that sounds shallow? 'cause im okay with that. my friends are all total hotties; every last one of them. and when we go out, they get a lot of attention, and deservedly so. but for some reason, when a.m. and i would go to mie n yu, the staff eschewed her tall, gorgeous, leggy blondness in favor of my short, brown squatness. frankly, i was prepared to bring a tent and never leave. there was the male bellydancing bartender who gave me all my drinks for free and tried to get me to meet him after his shift was over; there was the waiter at a.m.'s going away dinner who repeatedly, and not very subtle, complimented me on the pearl necklace i was wearing; and the other waiter, who offered to escort me to the bathroom every time i left the table. however, after finding out that mie n yu has been listed in details magazine as one of the best bars in the country for . . . ahem . . . an afternoon delight . . . it puts the offer to escort me to the bathroom in a whole new light.

i find this nomination particularly bizarre because the bathrooms at mie n yu are co-ed and staffed with an attendant. a.m. and i would literally wait until we were about to be singin' in the rain before we would leave the barstool and head down the stairs into the bathroom, which is really just a large lobby with 8 doors and troughs to wash your hands in. we always commented on how it was a little too open and suggestive for us. apparently, we are the only people in the country who feel that way.

monogamy is for the worms

" 'The only completely, fatalistically monogamous animal we've been able to identify is a tapeworm found in the intestines of fish,' Lipton tells WebMD. That's because the male and female worms fuse together at the abdomen and never separate afterward."

im not sure what would disturb me more:

a) being a tapeworm living in the intestines of a fish, or,
b) spending the rest of my life with the same worm.