van nasty

Saturday, June 24, 2006

the joys of flickr

looks like someone finally found the "pot-o-gold" at the end of the rainbow...

picture ganked from cityrag

Sunday, June 18, 2006

in honor of fathers day

enjoy my tribute to hot dads. i wouldnt mind being spanked by any of them. unfortunately, blogger is being difficult so you will have to imagine photos of lenny kravitz, ben harper and paul bettnay (who i know many will say is an abuse of the word "hot" but what can i say. its my sexy blog and i can do what i want!)

ryan phillip. honestly, ryan doesnt really do it for me. the slightly-to-the-side trucker hat is too ashton kutcher circa 2004 to do it for me. however, i love tattoos. and i love few things more in life than sleeves. and while i know that one is fake, it still earned you a spot on the list.

naveen andrews. youre skanky. and, frankly, i like that in my men.

johnny depp. youre so hot, im willing to overlook the fact that youre an adult man who goes by "johnny."

heath ledger. i thought it was over for us after 10 things i hate about you, but then you came back in brokeback mountain looking hotter than ever. well played.

d'angelo. my lady and brown sugar already won you my love. but, "untitled (how does it feel?)" better not have been a rhetorical question.

hugh jackman. or as i call him "huge assman" - i swear my lust for you has nothing to do with my inexplicable desire for wolverine. alright fine. it has a little something to do with that.

brad pitt. i know many of you will dispute this picture, but i have to say, brad has never done it for me more than he did in fight club. i wanted to lick him... oh my god, i need a moment alone.

dave grohl. you are a significant contributor to my obsession with the black cat. and yes, there are better pictures of your face out there, but this picture isnt about your face. its about your tattoos.

david beckham. i think that pose says it all.

dear joaquin. i know youre not a dad, but since i plan on having you father several of my children, here's to you!

Saturday, June 17, 2006

who exactly is this joke on?

in what sort of cosmic joke were men given two major organs necessitating a significant blood flow, but only enough blood to function one of them at a time (or, in most of their cases, ever). and when exactly did their brains become vestigial organs?

last night while standing outside trying to meet my friends, a stranger tried to make conversation with me. when i shot him down, he told me to hold out my hand. when i further declined, he took my hand, held it out, and proceeded to rub his crotch against my hand. on the street. outside of a crowded bar. in georgetown. newsflash genius, we are not dogs and sniffing my hindquarters is not considered a polite greeting. and, grinding against an irritate woman who has just initiated her 8th mancott is not the best idea. im sorry if you miss having gonads, though im guessing you were never planning to have children, just spend a lot of time practicing. well, not with me. not ever, but, especially not last night.

to the group of six men who tried to hold my hand and take me to bars with them: you were so nice when you first approached me. im not sure at what point you decided insulting and degrading comments were a more effective approach, but thank you for again confirming my need to enforce a mancott.

finally, van ness south guy: the fight you started on the metro with the soccer fans was weird and unnecessary. and for the record, us pleasantly chatting at 3am plus exiting the metro at the same stop, does not add up to our going home together. and do. not. ever. take my ipod. out of my hands. again. not unless you want to be like the eunuch who now wanders georgetown.

mancott explained

mancott: to engage in a concerted refusal to have dealings with men (including boys, guys, and anyone of the XY persuasion) to express disapproval or to force acceptance of certain conditions.

dealings: dates; interactions of a romantic nature

conditions: respect

i am the norma rae of mancotts. i call on them so often that even the reverend al sharpton is beginning to question their efficacy. however, i have found them to be quite successful (depending of course on your definition of success). im not claiming that men have circulated a petition demanding an immediate end to the mancott, but, i certainly think they've taken note. if nothing else, the signs and picketing have made an impression.

this month's mancott is brought to you by a series of unfortunate events involving man concentrate, previously, affectionately know as a.s., and now referred to as a.s.s. have you ever sat in a room, and suddenly realized that your presence is utterly superfluous? that if you had left an hour before, no one would have been the wiser? how often do those moments involve the boys we like? mancotts are about no more excuses, and no more bullshit.

proving that washington is indeed hollywood for ugly people

as previously stated, i am stunned that taylor hicks has been named by people magazine as the "hottest" bachelor. admittedly, i didnt watch the show, so maybe there's something im missing, but short of being suddenly blinded, i dont think i could ever agree that he's hot. quirky, sure. endearing, maybe. charming, alright. hot? no. a thousand times, no!

then, i stumbled onto this from the wonkette rating the "white house hotties." apparently, the wonkette and people are sipping from the same kool-aid, and using the same definition of "hot."

to illustrate, these are the top four "hotties" right now:





while im sure these are all great, nice guys, who didnt ask to have their pictures plastered up under the word hot, and at least one of them can pull of a reasonable "urban cowboy" look, i think this is a blatant abuse of the word "hot."


is it just me, or is chestica simpson channeling rene russo in her new maxim cover? except, y'know, not as hot, and with a hideously-bad-wig-from-her-own-collection.

shits and giggles

i contend that we can draw a direct line from lil kim to the girl in the gold who looks like fantasia.

please note that while this may be a direct line, that doesnt mean there arent a few offshoots that lead to the strip joint.

5 things about me at this very moment

5) im at work, and somehow managed to sit in someone's gum, and am now stuck to my chair afraid that when i finally do get up, im going to rip a hole in the seat of my pants.

4) i just got a new phone, and while cleaning the text messages out of my old phone i saw this, sent by me to r.b. : "not the sexaholics, no. but, the old will die naturally!" in what context could a message like this possibly make sense?

3) im thinking of getting contrasting tattoos on the tops of both my feet. im not usually partial to words or lyrics as tattoos, but, im thinking of getting lines from two theodore roethke poems. "when she moved, she moved more ways than one. the shapes a bright container can contain." on the left, and "she'd lived so long on gin, bobbie pins, half-smoked cigars, dead beer" on the right.

2) right now, im eating xocolatl: dark chocolate with chilies and nibs accompanied by my drug of choice: diet coke.

1) today's theme song is "bag lady" by erykah badu. in other words, mancott on.

im on to your m.o., and will be dressing appropriately

i was going to play a game of guess the asshole with this, but since its splashed all over both myspace and the wonkette, i think that might be a bit too easy.

it seems that a certain republican stategist, and frequent commentator on both CNN and MSNBC, likes his ladies young and busty.

while its not exactly news worthy that a guy likes big breasted women, it is interesting that a guy who is quoted as saying gay marriage "and American moral fabric are more FIVE TIMES more important than the War on Terror" would proposition a pair of lesbians in town for gay pride, offering them $1000 each for sex, and to pay for their hotel at the mayflower.

even that is hypocrisy as usual among politicians in d.c., but this story is special. this story is personal. it turns out that mr. burkman actually went out on a couple of dates with a friend of mine after approaching her on the street with his card and telling her how gorgeous she is. and according to her he is freaky deaky. but thats not all, on a separate occasion, he hit on another friend who was familiar with the story from friend #1. apparently, he walked by friend #2 while she was in a kinkos, doubled back, and presented her with a card, telling her how gorgeous she is. drunken texting later took place among our friends to see exactly how freaky deaky mr. family values is and even van nasty wouldnt dare post that filth!

in conclusion, i would just like to say:

a) you are a prominent and recognized figure in d.c. if you are going to be stupid enough to proposition women on the street, dont give them any tangible evidence.

b) are you the guy on craigslist who's always looking for "busty" women because if you are, ive been meaning to tell you, you'll have better luck with a less creepy word.

c) its clear (both from the wonkette story and from your taste in my friends) that you like boobie-licious women. why have we not met? sure your a lecher, but if youre as cute as you are in that picture, i can over look that. at least for one night.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

the weekend rundown

saturday night, my friend rose threw a huge going away party before she leaves d.c., which was convenient for me, seeing as it was my birthday eve, and many of my friends would already be together at a fabulous party, with three excellent djs, great food, and drink specials. all the benefits of a party with none of the hassle of having to plan!

typically, saturdays are easy going for me. i work until 11pm so im rarely in the mood to go out afterwards. my friend a.t. and i decide that we're going to cameo the party for an hour or so, and then head home, like the responsible adults we're supposed to be. but, one thing lead to another (or, in our case, one drink lead to another) and we were out a bit later than planned.

sunday my mom, sister and niece took me to lunch followed by a trip to the zoo. it was my nieces first visit and while she was very excited, i dont think she fully grasped the concept. everything we saw was the zoo. my apartment building was enthusiastically greeted by a two and half year old screaming "the zoo! the zoo!" likewise at the restaurant, the coffee shop we passed, the gas station, and on, and on, and on. until we actually got to the zoo, and she declared with absolute assuredness "this is NOT the zoo!!!" and even then, her favorite part wasnt the baby panda, or the elephant, or the giraffe, or the blob like thing that looked like a turd with ears. no. it was the birds. and i dont mean the pink flamingos or the peacocks; im talking about the pigeons and the little brown birds you see on streets everywhere all across america. nice to know we could have taken her to the backyard, pointed out some birds, told her she was at the zoo, and she would have been just as happy.

to my friends: thank you so much for spending my birthday with me. it was an awesome way to start a new year and it meant so much to me that you were all there.

to my family: i had such a fun time at our girls only lunch. i think we should do them more often!

to the woman at the bar: im sorry i bumped into you. i genuinely know how annoying that can be. and while i appreciate your "reminding me" that you were behind me, i would like to remind you that youre standing at a crowded bar and that you dont have your force field activated which means, unfortunately, people are going to touch you. its a casualty of going out.

to the random hot dude who bought me a shot: where were you later that night when the wild turkey kicked in, and i need someone to hold my hair?!

to my niece: yes, my eyes are brown, however, they work better without your finger jammed in them. and thank you for resisting the urge to rip out my nose ring; i know its shiny and weird and very tempting, but, isnt auntie so much nicer when she isnt curled up in the fetal position, crying, swearing and trying to contain the blood?

to my father: 27 years in a row you have forgotten my birthday. its nice that we can have this little tradition; after all there are so few things in life you can count on. thankfully im old enough that it no longer hurts my feelings; i just expect to be monetarily compensated for your forgetfulness. and this year, when i call to remind you that you forgot, please dont say the same thing as last year: "oh. look at that. you arent even on the calendar!"


why i woke up this morning curled around the toilet: a time line

a.t. : hey! so, im feeling kinda low-key. i think im going to take it easy tonight.
me : agreed. i dont know that im going to feel like staying out too long.
a.t. : exactly. we'll wait till at least 12:01 then maybe call it a night.

a.t. : we need a drink. you know, just to be social. but, something light. beer maybe?
me : beer would be okay, although... they are having shot specials. it would be wrong not to try them, right? i mean, the drinks name is pink pussy. how can you not order that?!?
a.t. : well, one wouldnt hurt. and we'll get beer to wash it down. then we'll have something in our hands so no pressure.

random guy number 1 : looks like you need another drink. what can i get you?
a.t. : well, im drinking beer right now.
r.r.#1 : okay, but what would you LIKE to be drinking?
a.t. : grey goose and tonic.
r.r.#1 : um, isnt that like $10?
a.t. : fine. make it a rail. and one for my friend, its her birthday.

me : okay, i know it makes me a dork, but i totally want to do a midnight toast. im thinking more shots? i mean they are on special!
a.t. : totally, and there's one we havent tried.

me to bartender : four shots of kamakazi and whatever that yummy orange drink is.

me to bartender again : exactly what is that orange drink i ordered? oh, mango martini? you dont say... those are my favorite.

l.w. : countdown! 5... 4... 3... 2... 1!
m.c: cheers!
me : yuuuUUUuuum. smooth.

mell: hey, you need a drink! beer?
me: hmmm... my hands are feeling a bit epty. hah. i meant empty *hiccup*.

t.p. : you remember that you dont drink beer right?
me : *hiccup*
t.p. : be right back with a gin and tonic, but drink that beer while you wait. no sense in letting it go to waste.
in the mean time, while t.p. is at the bar:
random (deliciously hot) guy #2: i hear its your birthday. how old are you?
me : 27.
r(dh)g#2 : im only 22...
me: thats still old enough to buy me a drink!
r(dh)g#2 : how about a shot instead.
me : brilliant! your choice.
r(dh)g#2 : how about wild turkey?!? but, i guess you probably cant handle that...
me : puhleeze. in new orleans *hiccup* we do wild turkey FAMILY shots, which is four shots, back *hiccup* to back!

and.... thats all i remember.

a week in quotes

"your chickpeas taste like christmas." -- r.b.

"your family thinks you're a ghetto fab gay man. which you sort of are... so that's good. they get you." -- d.n.

"hey snowflake: i got your seat right here." -- man on the x2 bus

"white pants guy: gay or european?" -- a.t. and i to pretty much everyone we met on saturday

"okay, so, the fact that you haven't responded to my last few emails leads me to suspect that you are either: a). very busy b). pissy with me c). desperate to respond but are trapped under something large. was' up, yo?" -- gvw

"and even though i know i'm in the super-duper minority, i still voted against our proposed state amendment to ban same-sex marriages. because, as we all know, homos are the biggest threat we face in the world today." -- r.g.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

telephone: what were they thinking?

mjh: ohmigod natalie! what are you wearing to this thing tonight? its been soooo long since ive been on the red carpet, i cant even remember what people wear; is pleather still in style? sabrina the teenaged witch looked fierce in pleather! and im pretty sure i can still pull it off, even though i havent, y'know, lost the baby weight or anything ... and have begun growing a third chin (which i think is actually kinda good. it sort of distracts from the wonkiness of my eyes, dont you think? no? well then the choker does right? because i paid full price for this thing at claires and i want to make sure i get my money's worth!).

mc: well, the last red carpet event i went to was in for the very special episode of facts of life where i lost my virginity - god, that was a tough role. i mean, they knew i was a method actress, and there was no way to prepare for that! i didnt even get my first kiss, y'know with someone who wasnt contractually obligated, for another five years.

mjh: man. that was a good episode! did you like win an oscar or something? because you were pretty convincing.

mc: i know! and to think, they wanted to give that to blair. i mean, when i made that speech about liking being a magic marker instead of a skinny pencil, those were real tears! i didnt need a dash of tabasco like that hack blair.

as for my outfit, im going bold. making a statement, you know? anyone can look sophisticated and pulled together, but it takes a big girl to pull off a big print. but, it needs something ... im afraid that the purple/orange/teal/white combo is just too subtle. hmmm, leggings? no, that wont work. its too damned long; i guess i could cut it... ohmigod i totally have it! your so going to die when you see me! think pink and feathery.

mjh: awesome. i'll cheers to that. so, here's what im thinking: skin tight, pleather red dress that bunches awkwardly at my middle, and pulls tight across my thighs. and, of course, just to confuse people, its totally floor length! its very julia roberts in pretty woman if she hadnt been made over, and had instead worn her hooker formal wear to the opera. then, to top it off, im going to do absolutely nothing with my hair. the stringy look is in - its very unwashed chic! god, we are so going to be the hotness! see you tonight!

its my birthday (almost) so leave a comment

birthdays are like new years - every year i wake up full of resolution thinking this year will be different. i tell myself: this is going to be the year i get a new, fabulous job. this is going to be the year i get in shape (a shape other than round, that is). this is the year i stop working 7 days a week. this is the year i stop waking up drunk in the bathroom of a bar i dont remember going to. that sort of thing.

i sort of love my birthday more than its okay to at my age. its so nice to see all my friends together in one place at the same time, buying me drinks and doing exactly what i want, no matter if they want to or not. its so sad that it only comes around once a year. my sister and i tried to implement the celebration of our half-birthdays, but, sadly, no one bought into it.

yesterday i took the day off to do absolutely nothing, which im never very good at. it always sounds like more fun than it is. i ended up getting my eyebrows threaded, and spent the birthday gift certificate from my dad from last year (i got the islands cd and a book on easter island - thanks pops!).

my friends and i were meeting for happy hour at 6:30, but naturally i had to pre-game, so i met some friends for dinner, then we moseyed over to drinks. the gals and the gays were out in force with a few straight men thrown in to keep it interesting. after happy hour we went to see a show at the black cat which was a hot mess. a band i lurve, !!!, was playing; ive seen them before, have their album, and am mildly obsessed... however... the show was atrocious in an i-can-only-sit-back-and-laugh-to-keep-from-crying kind of way. and not only were they bad, but, they were 90 minutes late. to their own show. at least they were merciful and only played 6 songs. but, in the end, a good time was had by all, and im looking forward to additional celebrations tonight!

van nasty

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Location: van nasty, washington, dc

i have better taste in music than you and more makeup than a drag queen.

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