bear + trampoline = awesome
i know this is old, but it still makes me laugh. and then feel bad. and then watch it again, and laugh some more, and the circle of shame continues.
5) summer in d.c.: despite the tourists, the interns, and the return of suits worn with flip-flops, i still love summer in d.c. i love movie on the mall mondays and fort reno thursdays. tonight is fort reno's annual night of a 1000 cakes; i have no idea what the holy hell that means, but it sounds very promising. for those not in d.c., fort reno is an annual summer event featuring local d.c. bands performing for free outdoors at, you guessed it!, fort reno. i'll admit im not as excited as i have been in years past when ive seen ted leo, dismemberment plan or ian mackaye, but, its hard to beat free music, good friends, 1000 cakes, and the possibility that the fort reno lady is going to wig out again on the microphone.
i am not what anyone would call a sporty gal, however, i have friends who are, or in this case, friends whose brothers are. a.h.'s baby bro plays lacrosse for the baltimore bayhawks (yeah i didnt know they had a national league either), so go take your hot asses over here and vote for greg for rookie of the year. although if one or two of you want to throw a vote john keysor's way, that would be okay too. im afraid he may be a friendless, orphan with no family, and only his lacrosse stick (that's what its called right?) to keep him warm at night.
5) grocery store self-scanning checkouts: this is a privilege people, not a right. if you're older than methuselah and confounded by the moving stairways we call escalators, then perhaps the self scanning checkout isnt for you. if it takes you eight minutes (i counted) to check out two items, and you had to call the manager three times, then this definitely isnt for you. also, to the woman who paid entirely in pennies, i salute your moxie. however, you picked the completely wrong time to display it; sorry i had to let the air out of your tires but i think you know you deserved it.
so, i went downstairs to the market in my building to grab some fuel (read: skittles) to get me through the rest of this day, and the woman behind the counter asked me if i am going on vacation this summer, and i told her yes, i am going to a wedding. she seemed particularly taken aback by this, and i realized she misunderstood and thought i was getting married, and while i agree im not the marrying type, i thought it was a little rude of her to act THAT surprised.
which ranks only one spot higher than him:
why on god's green earth anyone would pose like that is beyond me.
now, i was going to leave the women out of this, except to say that this is exactly what i would assume a republican staffer, possible madison woman, and future stepford wife would look like:
(something in her eyes scares the bejeezus out of me, and reminds me of mary cherry at the same time).
but then i read about beth, who loves her bible study group almost as much as she loves the president, and while the made me throw up a little in my mouth, it was this paragraph that utterly confounded me:
"Being young and active doesn't always go well with being a Hill staffer. Being stuck in a chair behind a desk all day can take its toll. That's why Beth, 22-year-old staff assistant, doesn't even have a chair at her desk. Instead, she has a bright-blue inflatable exercise ball. She says it's a good way to build up your abs and other muscles in your torso and it saves space, since the ball can just roll under your desk when you're not using it."
what in the hell? she doesnt have a chair? are you kidding me with this shit? admittedly, she has a hot body (im assuming she doesnt pear up below the waist), but good god woman. you dont need to declare your love of working out at gold's gym (do you have some bizarro endorsement deal?) and mention that you use an exercise ball instead of a chair. if i walked in to a congressman's office and saw a staffer sitting on a bright blue inflatable ball, im not sure what i would do. after i kicked it out from under her, that is.
not to mention i find it a little hard to believe she's 22. and no one wears dorthy hamill hair anymore.
other bons mots:
"The 24-year-old was born in California but raised in Wilmington, Del. He has worked in the office since February as a staff assistant and frequents Old Glory Bar-B-Que in Georgetown on the weekends. His favorite place to visit post-party is Jumbo Slice pizza in Adams Morgan before heading home to Arlington, Va., where he lives in a house full of guys."
wow. how unique. thats not at all like every other douche bag in d.c. does he also wear khakis and polo shirts?
"Maine residents might not be happy about one fact concerning this homegrown beauty. She doesn't eat lobster. In fact, she eats barely any seafood. "Sometimes sushi," McCullough says. She prefers Mexican, presumably the kinds of dishes with beans, beef or chicken."
what? what the shit kind of writing is this?!? i want to believe that the author of this text is in on the joke and realizes how asinine this assignment is, but i dont think thats the case, just my own wishful thinking.
House Majority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio)
"Sartorial beauty is one trait Boehner embodies unabashedly, sporting tailored suits in earth and metallic tones that remain pristine even during early-morning votes."
someone used her thesaurus today. that is the ugliest sentence ever written.
"The 24-year-old Sigma Chi brother is single and lives in Georgetown with two other dudes, one of whom, Austen Jensen, also made the list."
24, presumably out of college for 2-3 years, and still listing his fraternity in his bio. you sir are an asshat.
and can the hill not find writers capable of describing 20 something males as anything other than "dudes"?
if it seems im only making fun of the republicans, im not. the hill was biased this year.
to be a rock star, you have to have a rock star name. but coming up with a rock star name can be difficult. often times it requires being named by someone else; someone famous (i.e. busta rhymes, fats domino). why go through that kind of trouble when you can pay the general public $25,000 to come up with a name for you? thats right, bitches, this dude is going to pay you $25K to come up with a better name than aaron schwarz. and, its pretty clear that im destined to win, and i quote:
5. orlando bloom. why? i do not understand the appeal that is orlando bloom. why would i want a man who is more feminine than i am, probably wears more makeup, and has embraced the greasy, weasely pirate look both on and off the screen?
4. girls who wear short shorts, tank tops, and scarves. seriously, scarves in the multiple. i see them all over d.c. its hot bitches! its like 92 degrees. if you are hot enough to wear shorts you have to nair to wear, you do not need a scarf. i promise.
please note that our models scarf is actually longer than her shorts. hopefully, i do not need to explain why this is wrong.
3. while we're on the topic of inappropriate clothing choices, let me share my disdain for skirts that double as belts. i'll admit that this is probably tinged with a bit of jealousy, but seriously, the super short skirts with the ruffles are old navy circa 2003. let it go. when youre ahead of me on the metro and you decide to walk up the very long and steep escalator, i do not need a view that lets me know how good a waxer you have.
1. rachel ray. how is it possible that this woman has 82,000 t.v. shows and absolutely no talent. ive never wanted to punch someone in the vagina more than i do rachel ray. not to mention, she looks like the joker. i keep expecting her to ask me if ive "danced with the devil in the pale moon light."
when the daily show did a segment on a restaurant called the pink taco, i didnt want to believe such a place actually existed. but, it does. and is it any shock that this is the guy that owns it?
or that he apparently is dating lindsay lohan?
or that he sounds like this during an interview?
thats unfortunate that the new superman couldnt make it to the press conference in mexico; thank goodness they'd thought ahead and had that wax statue made.
wait, you mean that really is him? hmmmm. i can see why he's an actor. he's just so expressive.
i have no idea what is being said in this last picture, but i want to believe it went something like this:
journalist: "brandon: what do you think are the legal and constitutional ramifications of recently defeated presidential candidate lópez obrador's claim that he will challenge the election results in the supreme court despite the fact that only the special elections court has jurisdiction over elections in mexico?"
when i first saw these pictures i thought it was shannon doherty. i mean, she hasnt perfected the i'll-cut-a-bitch-while-wearing-the-tie-that-brandon-wore-during-the-student-council-election-and-one-of-my-dads-suit-vests-look, but she does have the wonky, asymmetrical eye thing down. and she's workin' the brenda bangs. not bad for a woman 15 years brenda's senior. good work, bebe, or lilith as you will always be known to me.
for reference, here's a photo of shannon. i know that in this picture they dont particularly look alike (i really feel as though lilith was trying for brenda the early years when men's wear and pleated acid washed jeans that went above your belly button were the height of fashion not brenda the later years, or brenda as prue), but i love how the woman in this picture is trying desperately to free herself from shannon's grip.
p.s. the number 1 most popular google search for van nasty is spanky pants. given that there is a clear demand for the spanky plants, i will work it into as many posts as i possibly can.
when a.m. moved back to d.c. she lived in rosslyn, just blocks from where i work. about once a week we would meet at "our place," a.k.a. starbucks, and walk across the bridge to mie n yu, where the setting is lush, the drinks divine and the music ethereal. but, that wasnt the real appeal - at least not for me. i loved it because it was the one place i consistently had to fight the guys off with a stick. does that sounds shallow? 'cause im okay with that. my friends are all total hotties; every last one of them. and when we go out, they get a lot of attention, and deservedly so. but for some reason, when a.m. and i would go to mie n yu, the staff eschewed her tall, gorgeous, leggy blondness in favor of my short, brown squatness. frankly, i was prepared to bring a tent and never leave. there was the male bellydancing bartender who gave me all my drinks for free and tried to get me to meet him after his shift was over; there was the waiter at a.m.'s going away dinner who repeatedly, and not very subtle, complimented me on the pearl necklace i was wearing; and the other waiter, who offered to escort me to the bathroom every time i left the table. however, after finding out that mie n yu has been listed in details magazine as one of the best bars in the country for . . . ahem . . . an afternoon delight . . . it puts the offer to escort me to the bathroom in a whole new light.
" 'The only completely, fatalistically monogamous animal we've been able to identify is a tapeworm found in the intestines of fish,' Lipton tells WebMD. That's because the male and female worms fuse together at the abdomen and never separate afterward."
i have better taste in music than you and more makeup than a drag queen.