sunset rubdown is a band. not a massage with a happy ending.

last night had all the makings of a shiteous night. months ago my friend, the a.s.s., demanded that i buy us tickets to see sunset rubdown at the black cat; literally months ago! in july i bought 5 tickets; one for me, four for him.

fast forward to friday when he tells me that he cant come to the show. now i have five tickets to see a band im 99% unfamiliar with. but, i love live music, and the a.s.s. has the best taste in music of almost anyone i know, so i still planned on going to the show, but now have to round up 4 other people to take the tickets off my hands so im not that girl standing awkwardly on the side by herself. i hate that girl.

thankfully it came together with minimal fuss. m.h., an awesome girl i dont see nearly enough of, was already planning to go so she took a ticket off my hands, and a friend of the a.s.s.'s, b.n. (one of the original 4 ticket holders), came with his friends r.n. leaving me with one ticket to sell at the door, which took about 2 minutes. apparently looking pathetic and telling people you got screwed over by a friend pulls at peoples heart-strings. yey for sympathetic people!

m.h. and i were feeling the need for some liquid libation, so we saddled up to the bar while we waited for the boys (seriously, why are boys always late? you dont have to put on makeup, or coordinate shoes and purses. b.n. shaves his head, so i dont think he was doing his hair...). a friend of m.h.'s ordered my drink for me; normally at places like this you get handed a drink in a rocks glass thats so weak it couldnt get a mormon drunk, but apparently the right person ordered our drinks because i was handed a pint glass of gin. thats not even a double, thats like a quadruple.

we made our way upstairs and proceeded to have a fantastic time. not only does the a.s.s. have great taste in music, but, he has great taste in friends. i adore b.n. and have decided that co-opting him as a friend is at the top of my list of things to do. right after taking over the world. and, the band was fantastic. my entire knowledge of the band was that it started as a solo project for spencer krug from wolf parade (another a.s.s. introduction who ive become mildly obsessed with), that became a band complete with an accordion and a xylophone. they far surpassed my expectations; i had a fantastic time and left with their new album. yey for randomly fun, drunken nights.

boomerang

it has been my experience that given enough time, people - men in particular - usually come back. mind you, this has nothing to do with me. its far more masturbatory than that. its like when you bring someone to the airport and you watch them walk away, they always turn back; maybe its to see you one last time, or maybe its to make sure your watching them as they exit your life.

okay, well thats overly dramatic but, you get the point.

to the person who texted me at 2 a.m.: actually, yes, i had forgotten about you because thats what happens when time passes. i stared blankly at the phone number before thinking to myself "who is so self involved that they would think its appropriate to try and contact me at this hour?" and then bingo! i knew it was you. im sorry that you didnt leave the watermark on my life that you thought you did, but, we both know that your contacting me now (after 10 months) has nothing to do with me and everything to do with your ego.

who knew threatening to kick a puppy would be so controversial

i am being blackmailed by d.n. to amend my puppy kicking stance in regards to my need for coffee. while i will not retract the statement, i will say that i would not kick THIS puppy for coffee.

ive always been on team kinley (a.k.a. the evil cat), but, fenway (above) and i spent some quality time together this weekend after d.n. hurt her back and needed me to walk the pup. and, ive just noticed that she and i have similarly wonky eyes which endears her to me that much more.

in case you're wondering what im being blackmailed with, d.n. was with me when i bought the magic lipstick, and bought the same one. she claims she would only tell me its name if i would retract my statement. hopefully this is a doable compromise. if not, there's a fake veil and a penis cup with your name on it this weekend. blackmail is a two way street, my friend.

at least i remembered to put on pants

lately, ive been very forgetful and disorganized (even for me). today, i forgot my wallet at home which i thankfully discovered before i tried to buy anything.

however, i would kick a puppy for some coffee.

lights out

as previously mentioned, there was a tragic lipstick lossage this weekend when i was en route to a show saturday night at dc9. actually its the second of two things i lost this weekend (assuming we arent including a little bit of my dignity which would make it three). the former item i left at someone's house in a move that's bound to be interpreted as the i-want-to-see-you-again-leave-behind when really, im just a moron (not that i dont want to see him again, but i wouldnt [intentionally] resort to something so seventh grade).

overall the weekend was great. i got to reconnect with several friends (by email, phone and in person) who i havent spoken with in ages. a good friend of mine recently moved back to d.c. with her husband and i got to spend friday night with them celebrating his 30th birthday. their new house is a proper home with funky art, nice furniture, a landscaped backyard, matching dishes and fantastic appliances, which is the antithesis of my life right now. my favorite moment was when l.l. dropped the birthday pie (still in its protective costco wrapping) on the floor, and we picked it up and decided to save the plates and bowls and eat the ice cream out of the container and the pie out of the tin, double dipping frequently and with reckless abandon. i loved that moment not because it was particularly zany but because it confirmed that even when your friends get married, have kids, buy homes and cars, and get jobs with important titles, secretaries and offices with a view, they're still the same people you knew who lived in group houses where someone was always crashing on the couch (usually in some state of undress), cooked with hot plates, killed their goldfish, and crashed parties with you where you ended up getting home with a bottle of everclear in your purse that you dont remember stealing. and who love you despite your tendency to write long, redunkulous run-on sentences.

things and situations may change, but your friends dont have to.

saturday i saw the hard tomorrows and two if by sea play dc9. the show was great though i think i would have enjoyed it more had i not been falling down tired. unfortunately, due to my work sched, i missed half the hard tomorrows set and the bar was so crowded i had to watch the first five minutes from the stairwell. bad for me, good for them.

im not complaining. im whining. there's a difference

lately, i feel like ive become a spectator in my own life; as though things are going so fast that instead of experiencing them, im simply observing them in the passenger seat as they pass me by. i cant say its because my life is so fascinating (because its not) or that its because im doing important things (because unfortunately, im not); im just your basic over-committed people pleaser with too little time and an inability to say no. i have no idea how people with actual responsibilities (like, say, children) get things done when i can barely manage to take care of me and keep a.h.'s plant alive at the same time (p.s. it seems to have some sort of weed growing in the pot with it, either that or its managed to give birth!).

fortunately, most of the things that are keeping me busy are fun things - weddings, dance classes, concerts, bachelorette parties, performances - so again, its not like im complaining, but it will be nice to have the time and option to sit around and do nothing.

concert casualty

it was obvious from the beginning that you were miles out of my league. you're used to a different type of woman; someone more glamorous and sophisticated whereas im just a girl who takes pleasure in the simple things. but, there was a chemistry between us that neither of us could deny. i was emboldened by your intensity and every time i saw you i felt a surge of energy that made me a little more daring and a lot more confident. with you by my side, i could never predict where a night was going to lead. it was as though you gave me permission to be a different version of myself, like a watercolor that became an oil painting. i suppose nothing that passionate can last forever, but, it didnt have to end like this. youre gone because of my carelessness, and for that, i cant forgive myself. i hope the next girl treats you better. i hope she respects and honors the responsibility of owning the perfect chanel red lipstick, and treats you accordingly.

on the bright side, at least i have an excuse to go to sephora.

peta is NOT going to like this

another wtf article, courtesy of j.h.

Wanna cut in line? Eat a live cockroach

GURNEE, Illinois (AP) -- Why wait in line when you can just eat a cockroach?

That's the question Six Flags Great America is asking thrill seekers during a Halloween-themed FrightFest. The amusement park is daring customers to eat a live Madagascar hissing cockroach in exchange for unlimited line-jumping privileges.

The promotion, which has Lake County Health Department officials shaking their heads, starts October 7.

Anyone who chows down the entire 2- to 3-inch horned cockroach gets a pass for four people to cut to the front of ride lines through October 29.

Park officials insist it's safe to eat the crunchy critters, but health officials are cautioning participants.

Consuming live roaches might increase risks of gastrointestinal illness and allergies, according to Bill Mays, Lake County Health Department's community health director.

Cockroach eaters will have to sign waivers and still pay admission fees, said Six Flags spokesman James Taylor.

hang on, sad little tomato

this mornings "weekend pass" section of the express is mocking me. its tough-lovin' me like a my mom when she used to yell at me to change into something more respectful because no daughter of hers is going out in public wearing a belly shirt and fake tramp stamp like a refugee from a guns and roses video, then would hug me close and tell me she's just doing it because she loves me and wants me to be safe.

the tough part was the cover with a picture of pink martini, who are playing the lisner tonight, without me in the audience because i didnt manage to get tickets in time, even though ive known about this show for months. note to self - never put a friend in charge of getting tickets for you when you could do it your damned self.

the love part was discovering that marva wright (of marva wright and the bmws) is living right here in the metro area, post katrina, and is performing tonight through sunday at blues alley. i havent seen marva since i went home to nola for jazz fest a few years ago, but she is always amazing; you dont know nuthin about the blues till you hear it preached by miss marva.

p.s. most. links. ever.

metro girl

dear fellow metro rider:

you looked both professional and cute in your black outfit - which is almost impossible - and for that i give you four snaps up in z formation.

however, the flip flops have to go. you are no longer in college, it is no longer summer, and you arent leaving your apartment hungover on a saturday morning for a bean and cheese burrito miracle cure; you are going to work where no one wants to see your toes. lets be a little more subtle; wear some sexy heels with some toe cleavage to keep them guessing.

while your outfit told me you were trying to bring sexy back (which i applaud you for), getting your flip flop stuck in the escalator and falling up the stairs rarely accomplishes that goal. in the future i suggest wearing something a little more sturdy, and less made-of-styrofoam.

good luck, and excellent regrouping. i swear, except for me, and the guy in the passing lane next to you, no one saw.

xoxo
van nasty

im not lovin' it

dear fellow patron:

i know that sometimes menus can be complex and overwhelming, and that it can take a while to decide what you want; or that the way something appears on the menu isnt exactly how you want it, making a special order necessary. but, this is mcdonalds. and you're ordering off the dollar breakfast menu.

first you maniacally paced the length of the counter in the middle of ordering like a an adult adhd suffer in the midst of a coke binge, then after paying you asked to change your order. but not only did you change your order, you practically interrogated the guy behind the counter about what was in it, how it was made, and if they would be able to get your special order correct. again, let me point out to you: this is mcdonalds and you are ordering off the dollar menu. this is hardly a financial investment, so, if its not good, well, you can still afford to go to cosi for lunch. and, if youre that concerned about whats in your food and how its prepared, maybe you shouldnt be ordering a steak and egg mcgriddle. just a thought. im not sure if you've heard, but, word on the street is mcdonalds isnt so healthy.

and, finally, you are at mcdonalds! the beauty of mcdonalds is that their product is pretty much the same where ever you go. so if you like the steak and egg mcgriddle where you're from (which the unbuttoned to the chest shirt, gold necklace and spiky hair tell me is probably new jersey), you'll like them here in d.c. as well.

xoxo
van nasty

p.s. i was in getting my new addiction - sweet tea. christ, i loves me some sweet tea.

scenes from the metro

this morning on the metro i saw a woman wearing: red high heels with socks, horizontally stripped black and white leggings, a jersey t-shirt with a lime green "juicy" velour hoodie over it, and over the hoodie, a gauzy, linen-y, electric blue hippy jam band dress of the phish variety (usually sold between the glass bongs and the vegan grilled cheese sandwich stand). she was traveling with a man who wouldnt look at her, or come within 10 feet of her.

i had to laugh to my self because i have so been that girl before. youre traveling, and you dont know what the weather will be so you bring your juicy sweatsuit because its cozy and easy to travel in; who cares that no one has worn them since 2003? and you bring your fuck-me-red-high-heels in case you end up meeting someone at the hotel bar for a night of smokey, drunken debauchery that ends with you on your back wearing only your red heels (except you knew you wouldnt really go to the bar by yourself, and instead you watched reruns of law and order every night before falling asleep reading "us weekly" at 10pm... but, just knowing you had your heels with you made you feel a little more daring). and the dress: sometimes a woman likes to climb into a comfortable, easy-to-move-in dress, especially when she is touring the mall in her best teva sandals and matching fanny pack. and really, who cares if it looks like youre wearing a burlap sack? your comfortable, and being comfortable is sexy!

but, of course, you didnt wear any of those things. and your friend (and traveling companion) had told you would wouldnt because red heels arent practical; and that youre an adult woman and therefore shouldnt leave the house in sweats like a freshman co-ed going to her 9 a.m. stats class after an all night kegger at the SAE house; or, that its fall, and phish stopped touring, and jerry garcia really is dead, so you can pack the linen empire waist dress away with your hackey sack, patchouli, and juggling sticks. so, just to prove a point, you wear them all together, just so you can say you wore them, and that they were necessary, and you were so glad that you had them with you.

either that or shes german.

the leggings, however, there's no excuse for (unless you want your legs to look like tree trunks.)

true love

i bet there's a disco ball in the shower stalls

dear google-searcher:

im so glad you found my blog, but, more importantly, did you also find "shirtless gyms washington, dc?" if so, please, share the wealth!

xoxo

van nasty

"highway run. into the midnight sun."

as previously mentioned, i have a rental car for the day, which proves if nothing else, there are still trusting and naive people in the world.

for those who dont know me personally, between the ages of 16 - 24, i had four cars. three of them were acura integras. one of them i crashed in a spectacular accident which involved me skidding upside-down across four lanes of highway directly in front of several big rigs, and landing in the woods, suspended above the highway by my seat-belt, forcing me to climb out of the passenger window. my sun roof had been open at the time, and i was wearing more of the road and woods than i was clothes (i lost my glasses, one shoe, had twigs in my hair, dirt blacking out my teeth and filling my ears, and i tore my shirt and pants to bloody shreds. which was a shame because its really hard to find a good black tee shirt - y'know, one thats stretchy where it needs to be, and never fades or pills. but i digress..). one of the things that saved me (if not my life, than certainly my face) was a huge book of c.d's that had been sitting on the passenger seat. when i flipped upside down, the book wedged itself between the windshield and the steering column so that when the glass splintered and broke, it kept it in place protecting my face and eyes. when the trucks behind me pulled over, they said they had expected to need the jaws of life to get me out of my car, and the last thing they thought they would see was me, standing along side my totaled, accordioned car, comfortably numb, and completely in shock.

that, was my almost-last car. my penultimate car. my last car (same year, make and model; different color) was stolen out of the parking lot at my apartment building in silver spring. for once, a car "accident" that was not my fault.

i am therefore shocked that there are any companies brave enough to rent me cars (or friends trusting enough to let me drive theirs!). i would expect, and understand, having a huge waving red flag on my license. actually, its been long enough that i have a completely clean driving record, which is really only because i havent had a car in three years. frightening, isnt it?

anyway the point of this rather meandering post was to say that i am old, which i realized when all the hip hop songs on the radio sounded exactly the same (although that could just be because they're all produced by pharell or timbaland), and i found myself singing along with journey's "faithfully" very enthusiastically. and my plans for the car tonight? a trip to the 24 hour harris teeter. it doesnt get any more suburban than that.

"sex, drugs, and tim gunn"

today was my niece's third birthday party. it would be impossible for me to overstate how much i love this little girl. i love her so much that i rented a car, got my lazy ass up at 6:30 on a sunday morning, and drove to virginia to spend the morning with her and the rest of my family.

my niece is possibly the girliest person alive. at three years old she already has a shoe fetish, loves all things pink and barbie, owns multiple cheerleader outfits, and runs around the house in baby high heels. the tomboy backlash stage is inevitable, and unavoidable, but, in the meantime, i did what i never thought i would do: i bought a barbie. being a responsible aunt, i bought one without too many small pieces, and one that sent a positive message, blaaah blaaah blaaah.

someone, however, was asleep at the wheel, and bought this for their granddaughter:

what the shit is this?

i wasnt there when they opened it on her actual birthday a few days ago, but apparently my sisters response was: "look! grandma bought you whore barbie!" and, being three and a perfect mimic, my niece runs to her dad screaming "daddy! daddy! look! i got WHORE barbie!" thankfully, this moment was captured on film; i look forward to the youtube, so we can all enjoy it together. in the meantime, let me say this: this picture does not do the sluttiness of this barbie justice. underneath that belt they are passing as a "skirt," she is wearing a thong. seriously, a white thong. this barbie looks like a 17 year old myspace slut spilled a cup of bad ideas on her.

until i get some answers, im blaming you robert. and so is kayne. look at how disgusted he is with you!

what would michael kors say about this?

"you're a mess just standing there! she's a beauty queen not a disco ball!"

p.s. nick called. he thinks that shit is "wickety wack." i dont know what that means either, but, it didnt sound like a compliment.

chucky, come to life

i can safely say, that after seeing this image, i will not be sleeping tonight.

and for those of you wondering what kind of lame ass social life i have that i am blogging at 10:45 on a saturday night, let me assure you, im at work. so, its actually worse than you thought.

"A large woman, she was eventually able to get the slight Haffey into a chokehold"

a friend of mine, k.m., sent me an article from cnn that ive been meaning to post about a nurse, in portland, who strangled an intruder to death with her bare hands.

i'll allow you a moment to process that.

(i wonder if she's a midwife, because hands that are strong enough to strangle an adult man are the kind of hands i want ripping a baby out of my body. ahem.)

anyway, today, as i was surfing msn i saw an article about a nurse who strangled to death a man hired by her estranged husband to kill her. my first thought was "what the hell kind of nursing schools are these women going to" followed quickly by "... and the plot thickens."

there are so many things i love about these articles. if i were to list them numerically, they would go something like this:

1) to put my nancy drew skills to work, i found it odd that the original article didnt mention her marital status because as we all know, thats something news outlets love to point out (along with age and weight, both of which made the first article). i keep expecting to see an article congratulating a 3rd grade spelling bee winner that reads like this "madison, aged 8, 52 lbs and single, won this months mercy elementary school spelling bee by correctly spelling the word hepaticocholangiocholecystenterostomies. congratulations!"

so, when i saw this little gem, which pointed out that our heroine was in the process of getting a nasty divorce, things made a bit more sense.

2) our antagonist found his potential hit man at an adult video store where they worked together. its nice to know that sticky fingers videos is now a full service store. although i guess if you were a custodian at a porn store, hit man is a step up.

3) and our hit man - would you hire a hit man who had previously served time for assault, burglary, robbery and conspiracy to commit aggravated murder? theoretically, i would like to be able to get away with murdering my spouse, so, if ever there was a time not to cut corners, its when youre hiring a man to kill your wife. by the way, what exactly makes it "aggravated?" where is my legal department?

4) and finally, i heart that our heroine is unavailable to comment on her attempted murder, because girlfriend "was out of town attending a nursing conference and did not immediately return a phone call seeking comment." talk about being blasé. the only better answer would have been that she was getting her nails did.

now that these are no longer "new" or "relevant"

allow me to share with you reasons 1 -3 why i hate babies with hair:

suri is a little reminiscent of babies who compete in pageants wearing wiglets a la living dolls ("im a little nervous! its her first time competing with hair!" the baby, mind you, was nine months) or when olivia on designing women was in a pageant and suzanne bought her a baby toupee.

its not natural for children to look like this:

although if the most freakish thing about her is an over-abundance of hair, then she's more normal than we all thought.

um, ive been looking at that middle picture for a while now -- where the hell is suri's belly button? im officially creeped out.

cotton balls were my back-up

it has previously been established that i heart the wonkette, so it goes without saying that this makes me shit my pants excited. good thing im stocked up on coffee filters.

to add suspense, this is coming in in bits and pieces

i was not always without cable. there was a time when i lived a life of luxury that included a walk in closet, cable tv, and a dishwasher. sadly, those times are gone. but, it was during those golden years when a little thing called project runway started, and despite my deep and unrelenting hatred of all things "reality t.v." i fell deeply, madly, truly, in love.

and though i now follow the show solely through tim's take and fourfour (all praise, rich!), today is the day many of us have been waiting for: project runway at fashion week.

michael:










uli:









**update**
for now, these are apparenlty all the pictures youre getting. either my computer is feeling a little overworked and needs a break, or its biased toward michael, and with the exception of giving you a taste of uli's collection, its not allowing any other designers on van nasty.

that said, i like what ive seen of the collections. mind you, i know shit about fashion, buy clothes from target, and am basing this on a few pictures from wireimage (thanks for the steal bitches).

i think, as always, michael's is outstanding. its fun, contemporary and young. i think these designs are as relevant to miami as they are to the hamptons. his collection reminds me of not-your-mothers-resort wear. however, there wasnt a lot of mature, adult im-a-business-woman wear. and i dont go to the hamptons, or miami.

i also liked what i saw of uli's and loved most a tan dress that looked like buttery leather. i want to roll around naked on that dress. most of all, i liked the outfits that didnt look like typical uli caftans - or paris hilton party dresses.

laura's collection, is, as you would expect, the opposite of everyone elses. adult, mature, sophisticated and simplistic despite its use of feathers. while its not at all my style, i think i pull for laura because she doesnt have design experience, nor is she currently in the field. and she is possibly my favorite pregnant lady ever, to wit: "i dont think anybody's really ready for their sixth child, but, five, six, seven, it doesnt make that big of a difference. i'll just throw it on the pile with the others." greatest. quote. ever.

while i like jeffrey's collection, i think i liked it the least. im guessing, for no reason in particular, that his is the decoy. though there were a few stand-outs (like his ode-to-uli-dress which is lovely) there were also a few misses, including a dress that looks like a very short muu-muu (it could just be the picture). i like his youthful, punk rock take on fashion, but i think it has a limited appeal, and, it seemed a little heatherette for me (but again, im just talking out of my ass here).

actually, dammit, the more i think about it, the more i like jeffrey's and less i like laura's and uli's. awwww no, hell no. damn. im gonna have to simmer on this.

i will post more pictures if my computer will have it.

drinking: good for your bottom line

note to self: never pass up a happy hour.

addendum to note to self: start drinking "socially" instead of alone in my apartment while listening to johnny cash.

thanks, j.h. for giving us all a reason to booze it up on a dreary friday.

Alcohol use helps boost income: study
People who consume alcohol earn significantly more at their jobs than non-drinkers, according to a US study that highlighted "social capital" gained from drinking.

The study published in the Journal of Labor Research Thursday concluded that drinkers earn 10 to 14 percent more than teetotalers, and that men who drink socially bring home an additional seven percent in pay.

"Social drinking builds social capital," said Edward Stringham, an economics professor at San Jose State University and co-author of the study with fellow researcher Bethany Peters.

"Social drinkers are out networking, building relationships, and adding contacts to their BlackBerries that result in bigger paychecks."

The authors acknowledged their study, funded by the Reason Foundation, a libertarian think tank, contradicted research released in 2000 by the Harvard School of Public Health.

"We created our hypothesis through casual observation and examination of scholarly accounts," the authors said.

"Drinkers typically tend to be more social than abstainers."

The researchers said their empirical survey backed up the theory, and said the most likely explanation is that drinkers have a wider range of social contacts that help provide better job and business opportunities.

"Drinkers may be able to socialize more with clients and co-workers, giving drinkers an advantage in important relationships," the researchers said.

"Drinking may also provide individuals with opportunities to learn people, business, and social skills."

They also said these conclusions provide arguments against policies aimed at curbing alcohol use on university campuses and public venues.

"Not only do anti-alcohol policies reduce drinkers' fun, but they may also decrease earnings," the study said.

"One of the unintended consequences of alcohol restrictions is that they push drinking into private settings. This occurred during the Alcohol Prohibition of 1920-1933 and is happening on college campuses today. By preventing people from drinking in public, anti-alcohol policies eliminate one of the most important aspects of drinking: increased social capital."

The researchers found some differences in the economic effects of drinking among men and women. They concluded that men who drink earn 10 percent more than abstainers and women drinkers earn 14 percent more than non-drinkers.

However, unlike men, who get a seven percent income boost from drinking in bars, women who frequent bars at least once per month do not show higher earnings than women drinkers who do not visit bars.

"Perhaps women increase social capital apart from drinking in bars," the researchers said in an effort to explain the gender gap.

things you dont really need to know

have you ever run out of toilet paper and paper towels at the same time? i have. and my coffee filters and i are now much more intimately acquainted.

do you see me on tv? im waving!

im not sure whats going on, but across the street from my office are about 15 state trooper cars, in addition to several arlington county cop cars. they have virtually closed a major intersection and the area is swarming with news teams, including a helicopter has been circling for about 20 minutes. the police have rifles out, and are circling the area and i can still hear more coming.

inmates have more privacy

what is wrong with people? is there no sense of decency or shame left? if ever there was a space private enough, and an action intimate enough to forego a three minute cell phone conversation it would be relieving ones self in the bathroom, followed closely by a gynecological exam. i bet you talk through that too, dont you? "oh did you hear that? its nothing. just the doctor giving me my pelvic exam." for god sakes woman! you took a shit while continuing to have a cell phone conversation, in a public bathroom at your office. what could possibly be that important? you actually said to the person you're on the phone with: "can you hear that? im trying to take a shit."

and yes, i was making those farting noises with my mouth. i attempted to embarrass you, when clearly it was impossible.

rainy weather makes me melancholy

if things have seemed a bit quiet from this end, it's because they are actually rather insane. everything is in overdrive and i barely have time to flout company policy and illegally use my computer for my own personal, malicious email use, let alone blogging. i even had to give up my day-time porn viewing.

the next six weeks are going to be absolute hell. i think every day is planned between now and and november. and im not complaining because its almost exclusively fun stuff: four birthdays, a wedding, a bachelorette party weekend, our u street caravan and harem dc performances at rakkasah, a visit from my dad, my niece's third birthday party, and a couple of shows thrown in for good measure, but, it is all a little overwhelming.

my schedule has never been what most people would consider normal; i work two jobs, seven days a week, volunteer on saturday mornings, and have dance class four nights a week (although i only show up to about one out of four). but, with the exception of dance classes, i sit at a desk with a computer so its not like im manning the salt mines or anything. but lately, its been wearing me down and im hoping to make some big changes. actually if things had gone as planned, i would have been leaving today for west africa with the peace corps. but, instead im here. and if im going to be staying in d.c., i want to make my time here count, and feel like im working towards something instead of just treading water. i dont have anything new to report yet, but hopefully soon.

holy trifecta

this morning i had a breakfast meeting with a gay, southern, jewish man; a.k.a. my target demographic. its like sitting down at the nickel slots and winning a million dollars or discovering your three favorite foods - chocolate, pickles, and grits - combine to make a tasty and healthy meal.

now i dont have to give a quarter to the homeless man

this morning a tourist asked me for directions to the heritage foundation. i gave her the address for planned parenthood. i consider my good deed for the day done.

wait im confused...

" 'We're bringing in new energy, new ideas -- it hasn't been like this since Barry' in 1978, said Dee Hunter, an advisory neighborhood commissioner from the newly hip U Street corridor, where Fenty pitched a party tent for last night's victory celebration."


... is this woman excited that he evokes mayor marion "the-bitch-set-me-up" barry? and not to be a defeatist, but technically, this is only a primary (although until i read the election results, i had no idea there was a republican candidate for mayor).

a case of the mondays

my office is not a normal place. it just. isnt. the women who work here are the human personification of the "hang in there" cat posters seven year old girls and creepy middle-aged women who collect cats and porcelain figurines from ebay, hang on their walls.

take today for example: the receptionist is wearing a floor length bright blue skirt, red ascot "tie" and black blazer. apparently, her patriotic attire is intentional to "celebrate" 9-11 all week long. by "celebrate" i hope she meant commemorate.

i walked into the kitchen to refill my water bottle and sitting out on the counter are a tray of crackers, an open tin of sardines, and an open tin of smoked oysters. i was the only one in the kitchen. where did these things come from? why are they out? whose lunch (at 10:30 a.m.) consists of oysters and sardines? now i cant eat my lunch until the kitchen airs out. once again, im being held hostage in my cube. and even my cube isnt safe; i have to wear earplugs to block out the cooing sounds of them speaking baby talk and calling each other "little girl,"and "boo-boo."

odds and ends

did you know i had to google the phrase "odds and ends" to confirm that the expression was indeed "odds and ends" and not "odds and ins"? i also used to think people said "make front of" instead of "make fun of." a public education at work, ladies and gentleman.

did you know that jenny lewis of jenny lewis and the watson twins, and rilo kiley, was also hannah nefler (the red headed daughter of shelley long and craig t. nelson) from troop beverly hills? a classic. thanks c.l. for the info.

did you know that to play the role of the underage "gardner" on desperate housewives one needn't be straight. or attractive. nope. turns out, all he needs is to have eyebrows that have never been tamed by a waxer.

evidence:

rodrigo guirao -the argentine jesse metcalfe

is cute overload a little bit pervy today, or am i?

weatherman v. cockroach, revisited

***update***

i posted this friday and it was immediately taken down. all hail youtube so this may live forever.

hugh grants fingers smell like...

i really want to guess miss piggy, but i dont know why.

thank you dlisted for not suing me when i steal your pics! i heart you michael k.

i despise you, and your little boss too

dear receptionist:

in addition to having the personality of rainbow brite, you also seem to be confused about where you are the three hours a day you deign to show up. this is your office not your house therefore responding to a doorbell with "cooooooome innnnnnn!" doesnt really do the job. apparently, unlike your front door, its locked, so youre actually going to have to get up, and answer it. further proof that you have no idea where you are: you weigh yourself in the kitchen on a scale you brought in for that purpose. i dont know where you've worked before that this was appropriate (weight watchers maybe?) but, its not considered okay here.

xoxo

van nasty

snowflake's good deed backfires

dear homeless man:

when someone buys you an egg mcmuffin breakfast, the appropriate response is "thank you" or, at least a grunt of acknowledgement. "bitch, there aint no jelly in here" doesnt really convey your appreciation of a free breakfast. next time you can treat, and i'll show you how it works.

however, if youre going to continue to push your luck, may i suggest these more pleasing rebuttals?

a) "bitch, where's my beer?" because while im not a beer drinker myself, i can appreciate how nicely it round out a meal of salt and grease, or

b) "bitch, where's my hashbrown?" because next to the french fry, it is mcdonald's most perfect food, and, honestly, i was remiss in not buying you one. and for that im sincerely sorry. i couldn't, however, give less of a shit about your jelly.

sorry.

xoxo
van nasty

if a girl gets to work early, but there is no one there to witness it, does it really matter?

dont you hate it when you have to work for things that used to come so easy to you? for example, normally, i dont get up till 8:30 or 9 a.m. and saunter into work sometime between 10 and 10:30. however today, i woke up at 5:30 and couldnt go back to sleep. i actually had to go to the gym AND watch two episodes of veronica mars on dvd just to cruise in at my normal time. i mean, i would have been early to work! whats the point of that? especially when at 10:30 im still the (almost) first person in?

eh. i've had bigger things crawling on my leg.

i love how this dude queens out on air.



thanks crunk for pointing this out.

"she was crowd surfing and the tide went out"

ive spent the day at work watching golden girls and absolutely fabulous on you tube. i think its safe to say that a) i no longer care, and b) i am indeed a gay man.

tartan bloomers: making wife beaters look good

what in the name of all that is holy is that? i always thought her acting was a little... constipated, but is she actually wearing some sort of tartan printed adult diaper?

and he thought i was jaded before

apparently men can never be counted on. even. when. you. PAY. THEM! this morning was supposed to be my first session with my trainer. actually, two weeks ago was supposed to be my first session, but, someone was really "busy" and having a "killer" week, so, we rescheduled for this morning. except when i got to the gym at 7 a.m. in the pouring rain, i was a little lonely because he. didnt. show. up! he called in sick every day for the past week which would have been useful information monday night. i wonder if gigolos are this unreliable?!

god bless the t.s.a. part deux

"My question was this: are the security checks really any more effective? To find out, I decided to re-enact the classic scene from the 1974 movie This is Spinal Tap, where bassist Derek Smalls puts a foil-lined cucumber down his pants, which is picked up by the security wand. Only I decided to go one better, by putting a buzzing vibrator down my pants."

if you think smuggling a mascara, or chapstick onto the plane is ballsy, you are wrong. this is ballsy. and not just that he did it, but that he would risk going to jail to do it. there is nothing i would want on my criminal record less than this. although, something about him seems familiar...

on a somehow-but-not-clearly-defined "related note," i bought a card several months ago, with no one specific in mind, with the image of a man and woman having dinner together at a restaurant, and reads:

woman: "honey, im not wearing any underwear."
man: "i know. i put on your last clean pair this morning."

it has become increasingly obvious to me that the only person i could send this to, is me.

why wine tastings are bad...

because there is always the possibility that you will get so drunk at the tasting, that you will forget that you ordered a case of crappy wine until fedex delivers it to your apartment. i imagine the shipping alone on that order was the cost of my freshman year in college. the other problem with tasting is that you start out so diligent and good. you arent going to order anything, just sample! but then, 10 "samples" later, your self-restraint is out the window, and you will buy just about anything. unfortunately, by that point, your sense of taste and smell have also evaporated so there's no telling what you actually buy, but there's a good chance it will be pink, and taste like the inside of a tin can. awesome.

random chatter, blah, blah, blah

im house-sitting for my friend in chinatown this weekend while she is at her "jack and jill" wedding shower. before you get all offended on my behalf ("you're good enough to house-sit for her, but NOT good enough to be invited to the shower?!?") let me say, im actually the worlds shittay-ist bridesmaid who cant make it to syracuse for the shower, so, instead im taking care of their kitty while they're away. of course, their cat, like any good cat, couldnt care less if i were there or not. but, she's finally broken me in (i know what temperature she likes her water, what her preferred wet/dry cat food ratio is, where she likes to sleep [alternately on my head or chest] and, how frequently she likes her litter cleaned) so even though she doesnt need me, she lets me crash with her anyway. which is nice of her, cause her pad is way nicer than mine. they have cable, a dishwasher AND a washer dryer. i swear, if i dont pinch myself, i think im dreaming.

last night i was supposed to go to the los amigos invisibles show, but instead, i slept on the couch and ate five guys. does life get any better? although this morning, at the dance studio, my friend j.b. took one look at me and goes "grrrl. you are a HOT mess. what did YOU do last night?" "ummmm... for once didnt drink and got a reasonable nights sleep?" which evidently isnt a good look for me.

as for the holiday weekend, i have absolutely no plans. my friend is having her birthday this weekend and is moving to iraq on monday, so, ive been told to block off sunday and monday for her, but have yet to hear anything from her. she and her husband are just getting back from their honeymoon and he leaves a day before her, so i probably wont here from her till sunday night or monday. which i guess means i have no plans this weekend? strangely, im perfectly content with that. its amazing the difference cable can make in your life. it makes everyday a mini-holiday.

things that make you go yum

this makes me much, much happier than it should. outside of sparkys or mayorga, d.c. is lacking in good coffee options. and i think, if nothing else, this blog has established my love of good coffee. yes, its a chain but, their "shaken" iced coffee is so good, i will go entirely out of my way, bypassing starbucks, cosi and even juan valdez, for it. it tastes nutty and rich, and dare i say, chocolatey. le sigh.

drag kings unite

he started out life as a woman, right?!? i mean, thats the only explanation i can think of.

thank you wireimage for making me boot my breakfast

not only do i not know who this is, i dont know what this is. any guesses?

the man fug

lets start by saying i have never seen or heard of this person before, but apparently, his name is "avery storm." seriously. if, and i pray its not, that is his parent-given name, did he really have any choice BUT to start dressing like this? and in that case can i blame him for fulfilling his evil, manpris wearing destiny? according to the fug girls (where i stole this picture):

"Are men wearing DENIM MANPRIS now? Because that is NOT GOOD NEWS."


i would amend this sentence to read: are men who are not kevin federline, gay or european, wearing denim manpris now?

because youre worth it!

are we all be in agreement that the only justification for this shiteous headwrap is that mark anthony somehow managed to knock jlo up? it was only a few weeks ago that she was seen sporting some nasty grey roots, and now this? seriously. i agree with dlisted: just tell us your knocked up and stop dressing like little edie.

similarly, im going to assume that recent rumors that nicky hilton is preggers are false, and that girlfriend is simply suffering from the bloat; either that or she is going to belong to the britney spears school of motherhood. that being said, i like the color. it makes her look much less like tara reid, which can only be a good thing.